Disaster Sensitivity

This past Friday at work I had a training for disaster sensitivity, basically training us how to be sensitive to others that have been involved with a disaster since I work with claims.  I didn't think much about it... I didn't know what to expect.  But it bought back so many feelings and memories of when I lost Cameron...

So weird how things that would have never touched me like that, now bring up so many memories.  And no one understands.  Although I'm sure you angel mommies out there do.  But I'm sure none of my co-workers would have even thought about it...

So, when we first got in there they had a scenario that made us pretend that we were part of the Bastrop fires in September of 2011.  The trainer started saying how she was sure we all remembered it since it so close to home and showed a slideshow of pictures.  I don't remember any of it.  I was preoccupied in September of 2011.  September 1, 2011 I delivered my baby boy, Cameron.  I was living through my own disaster, not to worry about others in a disaster too.  I was in a fog.  A gloomy fog that didn't seem to ever lift.  In fact, it seemed to get worse and worse... I was dead inside.  I couldn't watch TV.  I couldn't listen to music.  I couldn't read.  I couldn't get up.  I couldn't stop crying.  

This whole training was emotionally draining for me.  I was tempted to go home after it.  It was hard to sit through and hard to keep hearing about September.  Hard to hear and train others to deal with someone in a tragedy.  Though I think many of my co-workers do need that training...

They had us answer a question when we introduced ourselves... we had to pick one of four questions.  I chose to answer what I have learned in the past about people who experience a disaster... I answered it based on personal experience.  I said that people react in different ways and not to judge someone by how they are handling it.  They are scared and angry and just want help since they did not choose this to happen to them.  I hope they heard me and understood.  I feel very judged at work.  I feel like many people think I should be over the loss of my son.  I will NEVER get over it.  And I don't want to, nor do I feel the need to.  

I can't believe that it's almost a year since I lost Cameron.  It feels like last week.  It doesn't seem like the time has passed. The pain has gotten better... but then again, I'm still not myself.  I still feel empty, but I think I'm always going to.  Even when I have another baby, their brother is always going to be missing.  Our family will never be whole.  I saw this quote online, but unsure where it's from, but I thought it summed up things so well:

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,

but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

I Miss Him...

I miss my son.

So much.

I woke up today feeling worse than I have in a while... wanting to relive everything.  I feel bad other days, but today, I feel that emptiness feeling again like I felt those first several weeks... that emptiness that is so raw. 

When I came back from the hospital after delivering Cameron, I started writing a ton on a legal notepad.  I wanted to remember everything.  I wrote everything I could remember from August 29, that Monday, to September 1st... when I held him.  I haven't looked at that notepad since.  I finally pulled it out this morning and read it.  I wanted to relive holding him... to relive delivering him... to relive seeing him for the first and last time.

I loved reading it and remembered how all it felt then.  Oh, how I miss him... oh, how I wish things could change.  Oh, how I wish I had my baby here with me. 

I also started a separate notepad of what was happening in the days after I came home.  I know that one is more depressing and has a lot of the anger I felt toward people those first few days or weeks... I'm not going to read that one yet.  I just wanted to remember my angel today.... remember how I felt with him.  How everything happened so fast... remember how everything transpired so quickly.

It is just terrible knowing that I have to go through the rest of my life without my son by my side.  Or maybe he is here with me, but I can't take care of him and can't hold him.  It's just not the same... I can't share the joys other mom's can with their kids. 

I miss you so much, Cameron.

Today is just a bad day.

Ten Months

It has been 10 months since I delivered Cameron.  So, he would have been 10 months now... gosh, how different my life would have been.  Instead of just Eric and I, there'd be a third to our family... a bouncing baby boy.  What would he be like?  Would he have been a cry baby?  Or a quiet one?  Would he have slept all night?  Would he have been serious or a laughing baby?  So many questions that will never have answers.  Until, of course, I meet him in heaven. 

I thought I started feeling better recently.  Thinking less of the tragedy itself, but more of everything in a positive light.  I wasn't feel so sad, except of course for the dreaded Monday's for me.  But then I started having difficulties at work... I feel that many people feel I should be over it by now, so I'm not going along their grieving guidelines.  And I don't even talk about Cameron at work... I know how I am judged there, so I do not bring anything up anymore.  But because I am absent sometimes, I know I am judged because they feel I should "get over" the loss of Cameron.  I want to ask them if they would put a timeline on the loss of their own child?  If that were to happen, can they ever imagine getting over it?  I doubt they'd say yes. 

And I am so glad they do not have to go through this.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  Never.  I hate seeing new blogs being started by new angel mommy's.  It's the worst club to be a part of.

I've said it before, Monday's are very hard for me.  A lot of times it's like I'm reliving everything that happened... But the rest of the days seem to be a lot easier for me.  Except yesterday.  I came home from work and just felt terrible.  It's hard to explain, but I felt frustrated and sad and on the verge of crying.  I went to bed and laid down in the dark and just cried.  Eric went in there and held me.  I just felt terrible.  I'm assuming this is what depression is?  Gosh, even though I guess I have it, I still don't really know what it is or how to explain it.  I never thought it'd be me suffering from it. 

I woke up today with puffy eyes and still feeling bad... so, here I am, home.  I was hoping to feel better by noon to make it into work, but I don't see that happening right now. 

Fourth of July is tomorrow... it seems all the holiday's just kinda go on... it's not a big deal anymore.  I barely even notice them coming and going.  It's just another day all the time. 

On another note (a positive one!), I have submitted my application to get my Master's in Social Work.  Another way to honor my Cameron.  If anyone knows me, I normally don't advertise attempts of what I do until I actually get it.  I fear being rejected and then being embarrassed that I did not make it, but this time is different.  Even my attempt is my way of honoring Cameron.  I want to help other mother's out there... and help those unfortunate mom's and dad's that have no where else to turn too.  I know how that felt and that is something they do not need to worry about after losing their child.  So, hopefully in a couple of years, I'll be able to get into counseling to help these people.  I'll let you know once I get word back!

Aurelia Rose Inc.

Several months ago I was looking up videos of that song I Will Carry You by Selah and Youtube when I came across one that showed a mom and her baby.  A video she had made a dedication to her daughter Aurelia Rose.  It was beautiful.  At the end of the video, I realized that she actually started her own organization to make videos like this for grieving parents.  Wow.  What a great service to provide... something to honor our babies with one of the most beautiful songs ever... this song is constantly playing in my head throughout everyday. 

I went to the website http://www.aureliarose.org/ and filled out an application to have them create a video for me.  For Cameron.  I got a response back within a day... I was amazed at how fast they wrote me back and stated they would be happy to make a video for me!  I immediately started gathering the photos I had.  They only allow up to 40 pictures on a DVD, yet, I was having trouble coming up with 40.  Isn't that sad?  My own child, and I struggle to find just 40 pictures... I wish I had taken more at the hospital.  At least one of me holding him... kissing him.  One of my parents hold him... their only grandchild.  But I have none.  So instead, I started trying to take pictures of things that symbolized him.  Things that we have done for him since.  And it took several months, but I finally submitted them all a couple of weeks ago.

I was anxious to get the DVD back.  And once again, Katrina, the founder, was quick to respond to me and told me they were getting started on the DVD.  There are several options of songs to choose from and different formats for the pictures to be seen on, but I chose the scrapbook format alongside of I Will Carry You.  She kept me updated throughout the process and told me when they would be shipped out.  They also provided multiple copies of the DVD so I could give to mine and Eric's parents, and my Aunt Elva, who was there to share in the joy of the only moment we got to spend with Cameron.

I received the DVD's, but was so scared to watch them.  I didn't want to cry.  Just recently, I've started feeling better than I have since I lost Cameron.  I didn't want to go back to that dark place.  So, I held the DVD's, but did not watch them until last week.  And I was so moved and so surprised.  Aurelia Rose did a beautiful job!  And I wasn't sad!  I felt a sense of hopefulness... a sense of peace that I did not expect.  I was moved.... and happy.  I saw my baby on there... I saw how much love there is for him... and I felt peace. 

I love how grieving mother's do things like this for their children.  This is their way of keeping their child's memory alive... of doing something for their child since their child is not in our physical world to cherish.  I have been pondering about what I can do for Cameron... some mom's write names in sand, in the stars, on doves to send to other mothers.  Others make scrapbook tags, handkerchiefs, videos like this!  I've talked about it with Eric, but we're still at a loss of what our contribution can be.  I know for Cameron's birthday, September 1st, I do want to make memory boxes to donate to the hospital for other mom's that have to go through this terrible loss.  It's hard being in the hospital, in the maternity ward, delivering your nonliving child, when you know next door, that family is happy hearing their baby cry... and it was a different outcome for us.  So, I am so grateful for Threads of Love in San Antonio, Texas that provided me with Cameron's memory box.  I wasn't expecting it, but I love it so much.

Please consider donating to Aurelia Rose at their website.  And other angel mommies out there reading this, visit Aurelia Rose to honor your babies.  Such a beautiful way Katrina is remembering her daughter...

My First Mother's Day

I thought I had posted this for Mothers day... but here it is, a month later:

My first mother's day was last weekend.  Nothing that I had expected it to be.

I HATE that this is how I will always remember my first Mother's Day.  HATE it.

I hate that I didn't have Cameron.  I hate that I didn't have a baby to smile and laugh with me.  I hate that I couldn't kiss Cameron.  I hate that I couldn't hold him again.  I hate that everyone seemed at work seemed to talk about their mother's day... and no one even thought of me.

Through out the week, my mom kept asking me what I was going to do.  I honestly did not think of Mother's day too much.  I saw ad's... I got e-mail ads... I heard my family talk about it.  But I think I pushed it so far out of my mind,  I didn't think of it much.  I had no opinion on it.  I didn't vocalize anything until my mom kept pushing me for what I wanted to do that day... thinking that they just wanted to know because she wanted to know for herself, of course.  I finally snapped back at my mom, "Ya know, this was supposed to be my first mother's day!"  She said back that she knew and that's why she was asking.  I didn't think that anyone else was recognizing me... except you angel mom's out there and Eric.  But I was wrong.

I woke up for Mother's day... not wanting it to come, but not really caring either.  And sort of scared.  Not sure how I would be that day.  I woke up and looked at Cameron's urn on my dresser.  Oh, baby, I wish you were here...

Then behind his urn was something new... I had to put my glasses on to make it more clear.  It was a teddy bear holding a baby teddy bear with a balloon saying Happy Mother's Day!  I smiled.  Eric put that there last night so I could wake up to it.  Happy Mother's Day... it was very sweet.

We headed over to my parents house with my mom's gift in hand.  Her and my dad seemed excited to give me mine.  Yes, they got me a Mother's day gift!  :)  And it was beautiful.  It was a silver ring with mine, Eric's, and Cameron's named engraved on it with our birthstones.  Isn't that the most precious thing?  My mom had an idea to have our names on it and then as I have my future babies, to get their names engraved on it too.  Unfortunately, the jeweler or whoever messed up and put Cameron FULL name on it... and he has a long name!  Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia.... yup!  So, no more room for anymore names!  But I will for sure have future babies still!  Cameron should have his own ring anyway.... just for being my first born and not being on earth with us.  He's an angel.

Even my other brother, Paul Conrad (who Cameron is named after also) got me something.  I was amazed how people recognized me as being a mom... even though I don't feel like it.  :)  And got texts from people, like my friend Adriana who said, "Thinking about you today... You are an amazing momma to Mr. Cammy.  Love ya Kon!"  :)  That just made me smile and I still look back at it.  Yes, I hope I am an amazing Momma to my Cameron!  I'm trying the best I can... as much as I can.

I was so tired the entire day.  More tired that I have ever been.  I just wanted to go to sleep.  Eric and I headed home about 4:30 and I went straight to bed.  And stayed in bed till the next morning.  I don't think I have ever done that.  I think maybe that was my body's protective measure... knowing that it was a hard day for me, even though I wasn't completely recognizing it... and taking care of it.  What better way to spend it than to sleep through it since I can't celebrate with my son.

BTW, I have added more tabs to the top of my page with blog art, poetry, and quotes that I've seen. 

March for Babies

I had meant to write about the march soon after, but things have been going on and I haven't had a chance to update my blog as often as I'd like.  The march was April 14th in San Antonio, Texas and it was wonderful.  I was so excited to be a part of this... I'm so excited to be a part of anything that will honor my Cameron.

Eric, my dad, and I showed up for the walk, early in the morning.  It was a gloomy day and the threat of rain was present throughout the morning.  It was surreal looking around at everything... I looked up at the stage and there were butterflies decorating it.  Butterflies... I used to hate butterflies.  I hated what they were made out of.  It was gross to me.  But now they have a completely different meaning to me.  A meaning of life... it doesn't really die, instead, it turns into something beautiful.  Just like my Cameron.  I kept looking at the stage, and it bought tears to my eyes.  The symbolism... the presence... the feeling that Cameron was looking down on us, knowing we were doing this for him.
 

List of babies gone too soon, helped by March of Dimes

They had a table set-up with a display of babies names that were now in heaven while under the care of March of Dimes.  Of course Cameron wasn't listed since he did not receive their services, but they had blank sheets available for people to write their child's name on it to display along with the others.  I wrote Cameron's name...  I was the first to write a name.  For a while, it was the only one that was handwritten.  It was sad, but I was kinda thankful about it.  Thankful there wasn't as many babies that were lost... thankful as many other parents didn't feel the grief that no parent should feel... As the day went on though, many more names started being listed and pinned up.  I hope all those babies knew that people were out there that loved them... people were out there to bring awareness to the loss of babies.  And remembering them and honoring them.

I joined the March of Dimes with my work group.  They all showed up wearing the work shirts... Eric and I stayed up the night before making our own.  I wanted to make sure I wore a shirt that represented Cameron... the reason for our walk.  I wanted people to see him... to recognize him.  To know that he is loved, and he is our son.

 Eric and I

The Start...

So, the march started and we walked.  My father and Eric came along... my mom has had a broken foot, so she wasn't able to make it.  I have to say, I was getting annoyed when we first got there by my dad.  I think I took this walk so seriously because there are so few things I can do for my baby... he's not here on earth for me to do things for him like other moms can... so when things like this come along, I want to give my all to honor him.  But when we got there, it didn't seem like my dad wanted to walk all that much.  He was trying to find the closest parking spots, complaining about walking around the lot, complaining about whatever... joking about how to cut through things to make the walk shorter.  And then it seemed to catch on to Eric... And they both started joking about it.  I hated it.  I hated that they were minimizing our remembrance of my son.  I know they didn't mean harm, but for the so few things that I can do for Cameron, I hate making jokes out of them.

 My dad and I with the shirts Eric and I created

Even as walking, I started getting tired.  My ankle started hurting from an old injury... but I kept talking to myself, telling myself, I'm doing this for you, Cameron.  My tiredness and injury is nothing compared to what Cameron had to go through.  Cameron never got to walk... but I'm doing it for him.  No pain that I feel is anything compared to what Cameron has lost... his life.

I think we all felt an accomplishment seeing the finish line.  As we were crossing the finish line, I saw a lady in front of me with a shirt representing her baby she had lost... it was only two weeks prior to that.  Wow, I thought.  I don't know if I could have done this two weeks after I lost Cameron.  It was still too raw... I was still in a wallow of my own depression.  I could barely move from my bed or couch.  There wasn't a day I didn't spend crying... I thought of how brave she must have been to be out here and how proud her baby must be of knowing how much his mom loved them.  That mom was putting all her grief aside to do this walk for her baby... and it was probably the most important thing to her at that moment.  Like it was to me.

So, Cameron, know that me and your daddy and grandpa were out there for you.  We are remembering you and loving you as best we could since we can't take care of you in person.  We love you and miss you more than anything.  I hope you saw us and hope you are feeling loved and happy.

BTW, there is still time to donate to my march.  You can visit http://www.marchforbabies.org/4cameron to make a donation.  Thank you

The Dreaded Mother's Day

Two days after mothers day last year, I found out I was pregnant.  I can't believe it's been a year since I knew about Cameron.  Since I knew about a baby growing within me.

Last Mother's day, Eric and I went out to dinner with my family.  I ordered stuffed chicken, which I normally love.  I found it disgusting... I couldn't eat it.  I tasted gross and all I ate was the risotto.  I gave the rest to my brother.  After I found out I was pregnant, chicken was one of the foods I could not stand.  I hated the taste of it and couldn't get myself to even think of eating it.  Odd how even before I suspected I was pregnant, my taste buds were already changing. 

While I was pregnant, I was planning for so many things.  Already planning for his first birthday party... already wondering how my first mothers day would turn out!  So, now that day is here... and it's not at all how I imagined.

I actually forgot about Mother's day and didn't think it would have much of an effect on me.  I kept getting those e-mail ad's and saw commercials, and I somewhat thought about it, but not too deeply.  I kinda put it in the back of my mind.  Until this last week.

I was at work and heard coworkers talking about what they were doing for mothers day.  Someone asked me what I was going to do for my mom.  I didn't say much... I kinda laughed half-heartedly about something, but I could tell I started feeling uncomfortable.  The more they kept talking, the more I felt myself getting more and more anxious.  I could feel one of those pesky anxiety attacks that I have come to know coming... all of a sudden, it came.  I got up and walked outside to get a breather.  But I still couldn't stop crying...

Am I a mom?  Yes.  I still am a mom, and I hope others recognize that.  I hope that just because I don't have my son here to celebrate with me, that people still remember I had him.  I went through the pain, the labor... he was in my womb.  I protected him as best as I could.   I held him and touched him... and I love him more than anything in this world.  I would give anything for him... and isn't that what a mom is? 

So, my first mothers day I am spending as a grieving mother.  So not how I imagined.  But I am Cameron's mom and proud.  And I hope he knows how great of a mom I would have been to him.  I know I would have been the best mom... just wish he could have experienced it. 

I love you, my Cammy.

And Happy Mother's day to all the grieving mom's out there.  I wish you a gentle day...