Haitus

Since I started working on my masters degree, I haven't updated this blog as much as I planned to.  I think it also helps that I am in a different place in my life now. 

I don't cry when I talk about Cameron.  My eyes may get watery a bit, but no tears.  I am now okay with this.  I used to feel guilty, but working on this degree has channeled my sadness into my work.  I started in Social Work for the purpose of dealing with grieving parents.  I still would love to deal with them, but I also know if that doesn't happen, I am going to help so many people with my MSW.  And every single person that I help will be because of Cameron. 

Right now I am doing my internship at the food bank and I'm challenging myself to make it a program that is more supportive of those looking for jobs since I am assigned to the workforce division.  Cameron is always in the forefront of my mind.  He's my baby.  I actually meant another intern there who met her first social worker when she had her baby who was born still.  How amazing how these babies in heaven are still making their marks in other peoples lives and it's a trinkling down effect....

So, my point of this is just to say that I probably will not be updating this as much.  I still will, but it'll be like the last several months of once a month or so.

I'll still leave it up because I don't know who will come across it.  When I first out that Cameron wasn't going to make it and the doctor gave me options on what to do, I went online and that is when I came across the blog community made by grieving mothers... and it helped me decide what to do and helped me with the process afterwards.  I wish I could find those initial blogs I found that helped me make my decision.

So, just a note... heading to my next class soon. 

Barbara Bush on Today recalling her daughter

Barbara Bush recalls daughter’s death: ’I saw her spirit go’

I needed to share this video.  It touched me so much.  I know Cameron will be the first person I see when I leave this earth and I can't wait to hug and hold him.  

So Many Things...

I started a new job as a data entry person.  It's absolutely perfect for me.  It's part-time and I get to make my own hours... plus, it's easy.  Working on this master's degree is taking its toll on me.  I really had no idea is was going to be this much work... physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I think I had mentioned it in my last blog, but I wasn't feeling as sad as I used to.  But then last week in my Human Behavior class we were talking about babies that were born addicted to crack or any type of drugs, really.  Throughout the discussion, I was having to hold back tears.  Luckily, a break was immediately following that and I went outside and called my friend Adriana crying.

It's so frustrating to me... and I don't understand it.  I'm still not at 100% believer in God, but I am trying to be.  I feel that is the only way I can see my Cameron.  But I have so many questions.  If God was real, why would he put someone through all this pain?  Why would he allow mothers that do drugs and drink throughout the pregnancy to have their LIVE baby at the end?  And why not me??  I didn't do stuff like that... I would have been a great mom... I miss my Cameron so much.

Then on the way to work today, I saw a funeral procession and that got me thinking of Cameron again.  Wondering who was in that casket.  Wondering if it was someones child.  Wondering how the family was feeling that was in the limo following the hearse.  Normal people don't think like this!

I even had a dream about two nights ago that some lady was pregnant and I touched her stomach and had a vision (in my dream) that she was having twins.  She got very excited, but then I told her that they weren't going to live and something was exploding in her.  I kept saying that over and over... that something was bursting.  But I saw the twin babies in a sonogram in my dream clearly...

At my new job, the owner brings her daughter there... she's probably about one years old.  Just about what Cameron would have been... I hear her laughing and smiling and walking around.  And always wonder if that's how Cameron would have been.  It's hard for me to look at her.  I'm trying.  I know I need to get over this fear of mine... this anxiousness about being around little kids.  I want to and I need to.

I always wonder what Cameron would have looked like now.  What his smile would look like.  What his laugh would have sounded like... how his legs would have looked like?  Would they be chubby?  Would he be fast to learn walking?  What would his first word would have been?

It's just a constant thing... over and over...

But there's one quote I saw that summed everything up:

Grieving the loss of a child is a process,
It begins the day your child passes
And ends the day the parent joins them.

~B.J.Karrer  

I'm a Mrs.!

I am married!  Cameron's parents are married!

I hope Cameron was with us and saw his parents take their vows toward each other. 

Eric and I got married on October 20th, this past Saturday.  At the beginning of the ceremony, we lit a memorial candle for those that have passed, and made a special prayer for our son, Cameron. 

I even kept on Cameron's necklace with his ashes throughout the wedding. 

Oh, my baby Cameron... you have changed my life so much.  Your dad is one of the best men I have ever met.  And the sweetest to me.  You've changed my career path... I am now working on my Masters in Social Work for you.  And now I am married to your dad! 

The wedding was beautiful.  For the most part.  There was drama at the end at the sort of "after party" in Eric and my suite.  We had people come up to continue celebrating with us, but the drama did not ruin our wedding, though people are still talking about it. 

I want to thank my parents sooooo much for this wedding. They really tried to make it the wedding of my dreams and if I had calmed down and didn't rush, I would have actually enjoyed it more and took it all in!  But I was so rushing through the whole thing... I don't even think I looked at myself in the mirror!  lol

So, now I am a Mrs.  I'm keeping my last name though... and I'm happy to know that Cameron can see his parents unite in their love for each other.

Been Busy

It's been a while since I wrote, but I have so busy.  I started working on my Masters, which I love, working, and planning for my wedding coming up this weekend!

This Masters degree is really taking up way more time than I thought it would.  I had no idea it would take this much and these many projects.  Way more than law school ever took from me.  So, I have quit my job.  And I feel good about it.  I felt bullied in my department and felt I did a considerable amount of the work without recognition.  It was tiring and putting a huge toll on me that I did not need.

Luckily, my fiance encouraged me and supported my decision to quit.  I am so lucky to have him.  I know it's going to be a struggle for us, but it's also for the best. The more and more I get into this degree, the more I realize that I am in the right place.  This degree fits me so well, it almost frustrates me that I didn't know about social work before!  :)  And, it's all because of my Cameron. 

So, this weekend I am getting married!  We will be doing a memorial candle before the ceremony starts to symbolize those that passed in our lives... and especially for my baby Cameron.  Oh, Cameron... everyday I think of him.  Everyday I worry if I'm forgetting him, but I know I'm not.  I'm not as sad as I used to be... and this kinda scares it.  It scares me because I feel that if I'm not sad, it's a form of forgetting.  But I know it's not.  I can never forget my angel.  I miss him all the time.  I think of him all the time....all the time.  When there is work in class I don't want to do, I remember that I am doing this for Cameron.

So, this was just a quick hello since I haven't written here for a while.  Next time I write, I'll be a Mrs.!

. . .

I was, and still am, very indecisive and hesitant about writing this particular blog...

I don't know if this is too personal or something I should keep to myself, but I thought about it more and the more I thought about it, I felt it was important to share.  Especially because of who I write this blog for.  I write this blog for those angel mommies out there.  Those moms that lost their children too soon.  Those that have no one else to relate to in their "real life."

When I first lost Cameron I felt that no one around me understood.  And it was true, no one did.  Until I found an online community of blogs and postings and groups of mothers that felt the same way I did.  They had the same feelings I did... some that I couldn't put into words.  I wasn't alone.  Someone else had to go through the same feelings and understood.

Eric and I found out that we were pregnant last Sunday.  I was scared, but super excited.  Like, beyond excited.  I knew it wasn't a good time.  I know I just started school and we're in a one bedroom apartment now, and we're getting married October 20th.  But I didn't care anymore.  I wanted this baby so much.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Eric was too.  Through all the excitement though, I was scared.  How could I not be after Cameron?

I took about 12 tests... ha, yes, 12!!!  But reason being, half were coming out negative and the other half positive.  I know I was super early in my pregnancy.  I called my doctor first thing in the morning Monday and they sent me for a blood test to confirm.

It was confirmed!  I was pregnant!  Everyone at the office was super excited for me.  They too went through losing Cameron with me and saw my grief.

I immediately downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my phone to start tracking again... our baby was the size of a sesame seed!  I was already talking to him or her, and I had a good feeling about this pregnancy... a cautiously good feeling...  I went online and joined other pregnancy groups and was already looking at taking home outfits and baby picture props and outfits.  I couldn't wait.

I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew I was super early in my pregnancy and because of what happened last time... though with Cameron I was five and a half months pregnant when I delivered him.

Everything seemed to be panning out like it was supposed to.  I was confirmed pregnant, and coincidentally, the house across the street from my parents was for sale, which would be perfect since Eric and I are in school and would need babysitting.  I couldn't wait to hold and kiss this baby.

My doctor had wanted me to take additional blood tests every other day that week, I guess just to confirm the blood levels.  Wednesday was my second one, which I took during lunch.  When I came back from lunch I noticed I was spotting... I started panicking.  I called my doctor's office crying and they told me to come in right away.

Eric picked me up from work and we went to the doctor.  The whole time, everyone around me was telling me that bleeding was sometimes normal during early pregnancy.  I read it online too... gosh, I hoped this was the case.  Please be the case.

The doctor checked me out and even did a sonogram, but because I was so early on, he couldn't see anything.  He stated everything looked normal and good... and he even had a good feeling about this!  He stated my spotting was nothing and some women bleed throughout their whole pregnancy, and I was hardly bleeding.  Not to worry about it.

Whew.... I was so happy and relieved afterwards.  I felt so much better.  Everything was okay!  This baby is going to be okay!  :)

Thursday came and the spotting seemed to be getting more and more... I tried not to worry because the doctor did warn me that I was going to bleed more and heavier.  But I don't know... I just knew something was wrong.  A big clot came, but didn't hurt and didn't stain anything... I didn't know if this was part of the heavy bleeding the doctor had told me about, but I was nervous.

I called my doctor and felt like I was bugging them... I told the nurse who answered that it was me again and I know the doctor told me not to worry and I'm trying not to, but I am bleeding more... though he told me I would... but just wanted to see if they got the blood results back from the day before.  She told me they did and they were sitting on his desk, but it was a super busy morning so he hadn't had a chance to call.  But HE  would call me personally to tell me how they were.

Because the doctor was going to call me personally, I knew.... I just knew something was wrong.  Why would he call me personally?  I was nervous until that call... I was carrying my phone everywhere with me... finally about 1:10 PM, I went to the restroom, and that's when he called me.

I could tell instantly from his voice everything wasn't okay... he told me that he got the blood results back and it didn't look like good news.  He asked if I was bleeding more.  I said yes.  He said yes, my hcg levels came back at a FIVE.  A five!  That's super low... they dropped... a lot.  I was losing the baby... having a miscarriage.  I told him I knew... I had a feeling.  Then I started crying... what is wrong with me?  Why me?  What did I do?  Is this always going to happen?  Am I never going to have a live baby?

He reassured me that this was completely separate than what happened with Cameron.  Completely isolated incident.  Nothing to do with the other.  That a lot of women have miscarriages and most didn't even know they had them, especially this early in the pregnancy.  That I can still have another healthy baby... but he told me that last time and now look...

He told me to expect a lot of cramping in the next week or so... about five to seven days.  And I asked if I was just supposed to act normal... like just keep going to work and school while this is happening.  He said yes, sometimes, depending on the cramping... but because of all I've been through, he would write me a note if I wanted sometime off.  I hung up and cried.

I went to my supervisor at work and told her what happened.  I couldn't stop crying... it hurt so much.... another baby was gone.  Another hope and dream... I went home and cried.  And just laid in bed.  I couldn't do anything, again, to help my baby.  Was it because of stress?  I'm beyond stressed at my job... beyond... was it that, that made me lose this baby?  I kinda think it was... I don't know though... I know everyone will tell me it wasn't, but I think so and if so, it was my fault.  I couldn't protect he or she.

I had school that night too, but emailed my professor about what happened... hey, it's social work, they should understand.  And then I went to sleep.  My friend Melissa was calling me, I guess, but I didn't even hear my phone and even if I did, I don't know that I would have wanted to answer.  I was just wallowing in pain...

I called my friend Breanna and told her what happened... as I told her someone was knocking at my door.... it was Melissa.  She was worried about me since I wasn't answering my phone and even called Eric to find out if I was okay.  I am so thankful to find a friend like her... I have been very unhappy at my job... just so many issues and unfairness with the treatment of people in my particular unit , but I think that I may have been placed in this unit to meet her.   She bought me these flowers and a card:

It was so unexpected and so sweet.

I called in Friday... no way I could go to work.  And went for another blood test that day... still haven't gotten the results back from that one.

And today is Monday, and again, I'm home.  I don't understand how I can go on to work and school while in the process of losing my baby.  It doesn't seem right.

For the most part, I'm okay.  I'm sad, but I'm okay.  I just wish I knew what to expect.  I don't really know how long a miscarriage takes... or if I'm already done with it or if I should expect more... I don't know.  But I guess I'll find out.

This was supposed to be my rainbow baby.  I couldn't wait for my rainbow.  For those that aren't aware of what a rainbow baby is, it's the baby that is born after the loss of child through miscarriage or stillbirth... the rainbow after a storm.  I guess my storm isn't over, but I'll be waiting for my rainbow anxiously.

And Cameron now has company with him in heaven.  And I know he's taking care of his brother or sister.  I miss you my baby Cameron....

Happy Birthday, My Love

September 1st was Cameron's birthday.  I was anxious as the day was approaching.  Wondering if it would be just a regular day or if I would just completely breakdown.  The closer the day came, the more I realized how much harder it was becoming for me.  I was crying the days leading up to the 1st... and the actual first, I didn't do much at all.

I didn't want to be home.  Eric and I went to a bed and breakfast in town just so I didn't have to.  I felt maybe that would get me away... as we walked into our room, look at the bed sheets on our bed! 

Yes, I believe that was Cameron showing me he was with me still.

I have way more things to say that I don't know if I will yet... some things that have happened recently that I am dealing with right now.  I will write about it soon because I feel the need to share with other mom's that have gone through this.  I know reading about others experiences helped me the most... I will soon.

But right now, I just wanted to write a quick post saying that I miss Cameron.... I hope he's watching over us and I love you so much and wish you were here.  Happy birthday, my love! 

I'll be writing more this weekend... I think.