Monday, June 25, 2012

Aurelia Rose Inc.

Several months ago I was looking up videos of that song I Will Carry You by Selah and Youtube when I came across one that showed a mom and her baby.  A video she had made a dedication to her daughter Aurelia Rose.  It was beautiful.  At the end of the video, I realized that she actually started her own organization to make videos like this for grieving parents.  Wow.  What a great service to provide... something to honor our babies with one of the most beautiful songs ever... this song is constantly playing in my head throughout everyday. 

I went to the website and filled out an application to have them create a video for me.  For Cameron.  I got a response back within a day... I was amazed at how fast they wrote me back and stated they would be happy to make a video for me!  I immediately started gathering the photos I had.  They only allow up to 40 pictures on a DVD, yet, I was having trouble coming up with 40.  Isn't that sad?  My own child, and I struggle to find just 40 pictures... I wish I had taken more at the hospital.  At least one of me holding him... kissing him.  One of my parents hold him... their only grandchild.  But I have none.  So instead, I started trying to take pictures of things that symbolized him.  Things that we have done for him since.  And it took several months, but I finally submitted them all a couple of weeks ago.

I was anxious to get the DVD back.  And once again, Katrina, the founder, was quick to respond to me and told me they were getting started on the DVD.  There are several options of songs to choose from and different formats for the pictures to be seen on, but I chose the scrapbook format alongside of I Will Carry You.  She kept me updated throughout the process and told me when they would be shipped out.  They also provided multiple copies of the DVD so I could give to mine and Eric's parents, and my Aunt Elva, who was there to share in the joy of the only moment we got to spend with Cameron.

I received the DVD's, but was so scared to watch them.  I didn't want to cry.  Just recently, I've started feeling better than I have since I lost Cameron.  I didn't want to go back to that dark place.  So, I held the DVD's, but did not watch them until last week.  And I was so moved and so surprised.  Aurelia Rose did a beautiful job!  And I wasn't sad!  I felt a sense of hopefulness... a sense of peace that I did not expect.  I was moved.... and happy.  I saw my baby on there... I saw how much love there is for him... and I felt peace. 

I love how grieving mother's do things like this for their children.  This is their way of keeping their child's memory alive... of doing something for their child since their child is not in our physical world to cherish.  I have been pondering about what I can do for Cameron... some mom's write names in sand, in the stars, on doves to send to other mothers.  Others make scrapbook tags, handkerchiefs, videos like this!  I've talked about it with Eric, but we're still at a loss of what our contribution can be.  I know for Cameron's birthday, September 1st, I do want to make memory boxes to donate to the hospital for other mom's that have to go through this terrible loss.  It's hard being in the hospital, in the maternity ward, delivering your nonliving child, when you know next door, that family is happy hearing their baby cry... and it was a different outcome for us.  So, I am so grateful for Threads of Love in San Antonio, Texas that provided me with Cameron's memory box.  I wasn't expecting it, but I love it so much.

Please consider donating to Aurelia Rose at their website.  And other angel mommies out there reading this, visit Aurelia Rose to honor your babies.  Such a beautiful way Katrina is remembering her daughter...

Monday, June 11, 2012

My First Mother's Day

I thought I had posted this for Mothers day... but here it is, a month later:

My first mother's day was last weekend.  Nothing that I had expected it to be.

I HATE that this is how I will always remember my first Mother's Day.  HATE it.

I hate that I didn't have Cameron.  I hate that I didn't have a baby to smile and laugh with me.  I hate that I couldn't kiss Cameron.  I hate that I couldn't hold him again.  I hate that everyone seemed at work seemed to talk about their mother's day... and no one even thought of me.

Through out the week, my mom kept asking me what I was going to do.  I honestly did not think of Mother's day too much.  I saw ad's... I got e-mail ads... I heard my family talk about it.  But I think I pushed it so far out of my mind,  I didn't think of it much.  I had no opinion on it.  I didn't vocalize anything until my mom kept pushing me for what I wanted to do that day... thinking that they just wanted to know because she wanted to know for herself, of course.  I finally snapped back at my mom, "Ya know, this was supposed to be my first mother's day!"  She said back that she knew and that's why she was asking.  I didn't think that anyone else was recognizing me... except you angel mom's out there and Eric.  But I was wrong.

I woke up for Mother's day... not wanting it to come, but not really caring either.  And sort of scared.  Not sure how I would be that day.  I woke up and looked at Cameron's urn on my dresser.  Oh, baby, I wish you were here...

Then behind his urn was something new... I had to put my glasses on to make it more clear.  It was a teddy bear holding a baby teddy bear with a balloon saying Happy Mother's Day!  I smiled.  Eric put that there last night so I could wake up to it.  Happy Mother's Day... it was very sweet.

We headed over to my parents house with my mom's gift in hand.  Her and my dad seemed excited to give me mine.  Yes, they got me a Mother's day gift!  :)  And it was beautiful.  It was a silver ring with mine, Eric's, and Cameron's named engraved on it with our birthstones.  Isn't that the most precious thing?  My mom had an idea to have our names on it and then as I have my future babies, to get their names engraved on it too.  Unfortunately, the jeweler or whoever messed up and put Cameron FULL name on it... and he has a long name!  Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia.... yup!  So, no more room for anymore names!  But I will for sure have future babies still!  Cameron should have his own ring anyway.... just for being my first born and not being on earth with us.  He's an angel.

Even my other brother, Paul Conrad (who Cameron is named after also) got me something.  I was amazed how people recognized me as being a mom... even though I don't feel like it.  :)  And got texts from people, like my friend Adriana who said, "Thinking about you today... You are an amazing momma to Mr. Cammy.  Love ya Kon!"  :)  That just made me smile and I still look back at it.  Yes, I hope I am an amazing Momma to my Cameron!  I'm trying the best I can... as much as I can.

I was so tired the entire day.  More tired that I have ever been.  I just wanted to go to sleep.  Eric and I headed home about 4:30 and I went straight to bed.  And stayed in bed till the next morning.  I don't think I have ever done that.  I think maybe that was my body's protective measure... knowing that it was a hard day for me, even though I wasn't completely recognizing it... and taking care of it.  What better way to spend it than to sleep through it since I can't celebrate with my son.

BTW, I have added more tabs to the top of my page with blog art, poetry, and quotes that I've seen.