Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ups and Downs

Getting back to work put me back in a routine... and back into the interaction with other people.  It's good.  I'm smiling a lot and laughing... I think it helps that I was a smiler and laugher in the first place, so it comes naturally.  Although, I think it may be working against me now also.  I almost feel like I'm acting now... but not consciencely.  Last week was hard at work, but it was still new.  This week I'm back in the routine and actually felt like maybe I was finally getting to the "new normal" that I keep reading about.  There's actually times where I feel okay... and I wonder if those times that other mom's talk about would come to me.  Where they just feel down and start crying for no reason.

Well, those times have.  The last two days... I feel like I'm usually okay in the morning at work.  I think up until maybe two or three o'clock.  Once that time comes around, I feel a sudden sadness.  It's hard to explain, but an emptiness and heaviness within myself.  I felt like this last night and came home and cried a bit to Eric.  But today it it even harder.  I had been feeling that dreading feeling in me again... feeling that heaviness and emptiness that I'm missing something... which just leads to a deeper sadness.  But I was still going through the day and still working.  I was at my lead, Scarlett's, desk talking to her and she made a small joke, but I was already on the verge of crying at that point.  It wasn't the joke that made me cry at all. I really wasn't... but all of a sudden, tears just formed and wouldn't stop again.  I felt terrible.  I know she did too and I felt bad about that.  I just felt so overwhelmingly sad.  She told me that if I needed anything, to ask her and asked me what she could do to make things better or something like that.  I think I replied, or at least I know I thought it, something like, "You can't make things better... no one can."

No one can make things better.  Isn't that crazy?  There are so few things, if any, in life that are not able to be fixed.  I remember when I was 17 and broke up with my first boyfriend and thought the world would end... I thought I'd never get over it.  Little did I know what pain really was.  Losing your baby... your child... your hopes and dreams... your heart.  That is something you can never get over.  That is something you can never stop thinking about.  And yeah, you can get back to that "new normal" of living without your child, but the pain will never go away.  It may hide, but it's sure to reappear sometime.

I actually thought that maybe I'd be one of the mom's that this pain didn't creep up upon and come back... I was wrong.  I was actually going to cancel the appointment with the counselor on Monday... but I'm keeping it now.

I miss Cameron.  I miss my baby so much.  I want to hold him again... I wanna look at him again.  I came home crying... Eric was here already and I walked in and went straight to Cameron's table and plaque of his prints and touched them.  I then walked to Eric and he hugged me and I just cried.  I couldn't stop... just cried in his arm with my purse still on my shoulder and started almost that wailing crying again that I had soon after his death.  I WANT MY BABY!  I WANT HIM BACK!  I MISS MY CAMERON!  This isn't fair.  Not fair at all....

How can I be so fine a few days and then have days like this of utter despair?

I asked Eric last night... is this really how my life is going to be for the rest of my life?  Am I always going to have bad days?  Am I never going to be completely happy?

I mean, really, how can I ever be completely happy when I'm no longer whole?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Back to the Daily Grind...

I have just completed my first week back at work, and it was a whirlwind.  It was harder than I thought at first, but as the weekend went on, it got easier and easier.  I was hoping that everyone knew about what happened so I didn't get those awkward comments or have to explain everything, and most everyone did.  What I didn't expect was all the "I'm Sorry" stares and people talking gently to me.  As much as I wanted them to acknowledge what happened, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.  I wanted people to be sorry the event happened, but ask about Cameron and be happy I got to see my baby.

Well, here it goes... Monday, I walked in and felt nervous and scared, but I thought I'd be okay.  I thought I'd go to my desk and maybe get a hug or two and that's it.  I didn't expect to be overcome with emotions as soon as I got to my desk.  I got there and saw my co-worker, Keimesha, and just broke down.  I don't know what happened, but I felt so odd and felt like I wanted to run out of there.  It was weird being back at work and being in that environment... and coming back not pregnant anymore and without a baby to take care of.  It should have been one or the other.  Well, Keimesha seemed like she understood and smiled and told me it was okay and just kept talking, which was perfect.  As people trinkled in, everyone said they were happy to have me back and things like that.  But every single person I talked to, I couldn't help but cry.  It was inevitable to talk about it, and if they didn't, I felt like I had to bring it up, because how could you not?  Plus, I still had a baby... I needed to acknowledge him.

Tuesday I went in knowing it was going to be a little easier... everyone had already gotten over the inital sorry's and whatnot... but there was one co-worker that was just coming back.  She is this older lady and when she saw my cat on the background paper, I mentioned she had also passed this weekend and she was like, "Wow!  That's like boom, boom!  You must be jinxed!"  And just started laughing. I didn't... I just kinda smiled and said yeah... even though I thought this was so rude and so inconsiderate!  I'm jinxed because I lost my precious baby... yeah, sure seems like it.  There was a point Tuesday where I just felt so much sadness... just overcome with sadness and just sat at my desk with tears running down my face... and starting and just thinking.  I bought over Cameron's plaster of foot and handprints today so others could see them and know that he was a real baby.  Everyone loved them... weird that this is really the only tangible evidence I have of him... and sad.

Wednesday, I thought I felt a big better about going.  But we had an Employee of the Quarter meeting at about 3:30 PM.  Keimesha was getting her five year award, so I was going to go just to see her get it.  She had been really supportive with my transition coming back, so I wanted to support her. Yet, almost as soon as the meeting starts, they start announcing the "New Arrivals" and giving congratulations to the new parents that had a baby this last quarter.  I tried to remain calm and just kinda looked around... but then started thinking that they couldn't acknowledge Cameron.  Why not?  He was as much a baby as those babies.  And ya know, maybe I wouldn't have wanted them to announce him, but they all get a little gift from the company, why couldn't Cameron get something?  I love getting presents for him because that just adds to the little memories he has.  If he had been healthy, he would have gotten a gift.  Why is he being treated like he didn't exist?  I kept thinking and thinking about this and then all of a sudden tears just started rolling down... I left quickly.

When I got back to my desk, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. My manager stopped by my desk and without her even knowing I was crying, put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if it was hard.  I turned around and just nodded.  She said she was across the room and as soon as they started doing the new arrivals, she thought of me and felt so terrible... she looked across the room at me and was watching me when I walked out.  She knew it had to be hard.  It was... I just cried and cried.  Why couldn't Cameron get his baby gift too?  Why couldn't anyone acknowledge that I had a baby?

Thursday the day was going okay... but it seemed every time I saw a new co-worker that I hadn't seen up to that point yet, I was overcome with nervousness and anxiety.  I didn't know how they'd react and I wanted to cry instantly.  What was wrong with me?!  Well, this morning I was in the break room making oatmeal when a co-worker I hadn't seen up to that point came to me and was like, "Hey!  How are you and the baby?"  Very cheerfully.  I was dreading this moment, and didn't know how to react.  I kinda fumbled and asked, "Oh... you haven't heard, right?"  And I proceeded to tell her what happened... while tears coming down my face.  I'm sure she felt terrible.  Later that afternoon, I had a meeting with a quality person and afterwards she was telling me about her sister that went through the same thing years ago.  When I told her that I was learning to find God and such after she kept saying how close to God she was, she replied with, "Well, you know never know... maybe this is God telling you watch out.  And this is what happens when you don't have faith."  I was in shock!  I didn't say anything and just smiled and that was it... but it upset me quite a bit.  I went back to my desk and confided in Keimesha, as I had been doing all week..

I woke up Friday with a renewed view and energy around me.  I felt okay for the first time since all this happened.  And I felt upbeat.  Was I doing okay?  I actually went through most of the day without crying.  Even when a co-worker Melissa read Cameron's memorial program and bookmark and started crying, I didn't.  I didn't even cry when I explained to her what happened.  Wow... I didn't cry.  Is this a new step?  I did cry a little bit toward the end of the day, but overall, everything felt okay...

Cameron's Bookmarks

So, I got through my first week.  And I'm glad I'm back in a routine.  But I still can't get over that this happened.  I miss my baby... I miss Cameron.  It's still unbelievable that this happened.  It's unbelievable that I gave birth to my baby already and held his lifeless body in my arms.  It wasn't supposed to be like this at all.

I had a talk with my manager Irene at the end of the day Friday and although she has never gone through any of this, I think she said some of the most "right" things that anyone has told me so far.  Almost like she understood.  She acknowledged that he was my baby... he was mine.  That it didn't matter whether he had lived 15 years or just the 21 weeks I had with him, he was my baby... the pain would have felt the same.  She said people don't understand that as mom's, we bond with our babies in our womb... they're ours and we care for them.  And she actually predicted the oh so ever popular comment that all angel mommy's seem to get... you can have another child.  I was like, yes!  Everyone says that!  And she said she knew they would and she was surprised that other women would say that since they should know how it felt to have a child and that bond so instantly.  She knew that I could never replace him... he was my baby... my first born and will never be forgotten.  And I will not let him die for no reason.  I will make something out of this and keep his memory alive.

I love you, Cameron.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Seeing Through Windows...

I never used to dream, but started once my grandma passed away in 2004.  After Mamo passed away, I'd have such vivid dreams of her hugging me or holding my hand and I'd actually feel it in the dream and when I woke up.  It was amazing and comforting.  It never made me sad... I felt at peace in the dreams and loved that I was able to feel her hug me again since I missed her so much.

I have always been skeptical about things like this and about spirits coming to you... but after those dreams, I was more open to it.  They felt so incredibly real!   Maybe Mamo was really coming to me since she knew how much I missed her.  If anything, this would be the only way she'd be able to come to me.

My Grandpa, Aunt Elva, and Mamo

After this whole tragedy and feeling the need to hold my precious baby, I was so hoping to dream of Cameron... but I still haven't. The closest I've had was when I dreamt that Puffins was cuddling with his stuffed dinosaur. 

I've heard that dreams are the windows to the soul.  And now, even more than ever, I'm hoping that Cameron was talking to me in my dreams.  I don't know if this will sound crazy to others or what, but I'm grasping.

There were no complications throughout my pregnancy.  Everything seemed to be going right on track and I felt good about it.  I had one dream that I was breastfeeding a puppy with extremely sharp teeth, but I kept trying to breastfeed him because he was my baby.  I laughed about this and told others about it.  I had heard about those crazy dreams that pregnant women have.  Then about a week or two before this whole fiasco happened, I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby and he looked like a real baby, but I knew he wasn't.  I knew he was a puppy even though he looked like a baby.  And in that dream, I kept asking the doctors, 'Couldn't you tell from the ultrasound?  How could you not tell something was wrong or different?'  And then they explained to me that puppies and human babies sometimes look the same in ultrasounds and it's hard to tell.

Then, that particular dream didn't mean anything to me... I just thought it was part of those crazy dreams.  But once I found out on August 29 that something was wrong, that dream meant so much more to me.  Was my body telling me something was wrong and was it manifesting it in my dream?  Was Cameron trying to tell me something was wrong?  Did I subconsciously know something was wrong even though everything was going great throughout my pregnancy?

 Cameron, August 8, 2011... my mom noticed this 
picture looks like he has angel wings already...

August 29th was a Monday.  Tuesday night I told Eric I thought he left... I thought his heart stopped beating.  In the middle of the night, I woke up scared.  I told Eric that I felt like my baby was mad at me... I disappointed him... I couldn't protect him and save him and I felt like he was staring at me, mad.  I know this was probably just my mind, but I felt so terrible then... and so guilty.

The first night in the hospital, they gave me Ambien to go to sleep.  I kept having to go to the restroom and kept waking up Eric to help me.  Everything was extremely groggy that night because of the medication, but Eric said as I was walking to the restroom, I started mumbling things like, "Where is my baby?  Where is my puppy?  I want my puppy dog back... I want my baby."  Even through the dreams, I never thought of my baby as a puppy, but I guess my mind was already associating it...

The night I had Cameron, September 1st, I couldn't sleep at all.  Eric knocked out, but when I tried waking him up in the middle of the night, he woke up extremely startled and was looking all around the room.  He didn't tell me anything then until we went home, but he said he swore he saw Cameron standing next to him looking at me.  I felt he thought he saw something... he thinks it was a dream, but he said Cameron was smiling.  And the next day when we came home, I was closing my eyes and Eric was holding my hand and I swore I felt a tiny hand squeeze mine and quickly opened my eyes... but it was Eric's hand.  I couldn't help but wonder.... or maybe just wish... that maybe that was Cameron... I could hope.

Well, that's kinda of been it, until recently.  My Aunt Elva had a dream last weekend that completely touched me.  I keep wanting to do things for baby Cameron... I can't take care of him and I want to so much.  I wanted to hold him and feed him and rock him and I couldn't... but I still had those needs.  I think that's why I needed to do the programs and bookmarks for him and am feeling good putting together his scrapbook... it's the only things I can do for him since he's not here.  Well, Elva had a dream that Cameron was in a bassinet in a room and we were all around bustling... trying to take care of him and get things ready for him.  But there was a huge mass over him... kind of like a bubble and she felt it was a man.  

She said she felt scared, but comforted at the same time.  But it grew in size and then shrunk to our size, but it was around Cameron.  Cameron was facing away from us, but she said he turned his head and he jet black hair.  She saw his face and his little mouth and she felt him tell her something along the lines of, 'You can't take care of me anymore.  I'm with my Father and he's taking care of me.  I'm okay.  You can't do anything for me.  I'm being taken care of."  

Wow.  Just wow.  She cried telling me this and I cried.  Could that be Cameron talking to her to comfort me?  Does he know how much I'm hurting for him?  I pray every night he doesn't... I don't want him to know how much I'm hurting... I want him to be happy and not worry.  But that dream gave me some sense of security that I hadn't had.  Maybe, through all things of logic, just maybe the dreams are a window to him... and that's the only way he can tell me he's okay.  I'd love to believe that.  Wouldn't you?


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pregnancy and Infact Loss Awareness Day...

This is a day I hoped I'd never be part of, but I am... this is my first and, unfortunately, one that will never change.

Someone posted this and I fell in love with it.  I thought it said it perfectly.  I'm so scared that people are going to forget that I had a son... I had a baby.  I don't want this to be forgotten, so this spoke so much to me.  They also had one for Grandparents and Uncles and such... I gave those to my brothers and parents so they can remember they too are uncles and they too are grandparents... even though we all lost our first baby in the family.

They had a Walk to Remember today at the Grotto... sort of a church with a courtyard to meditate and pray and light candles this morning.  But I wasn't able to go.  I went later on in the afternoon and lit a candle for Cameron... and Puffins, of course.  As soon as we walked in there was a statue of Jesus holding a little boy... I wasn't expecting that and just broke down.  I couldn't stop crying.  And loud crying too... it caught me off guard.  But it was something that spoke words to me and that I needed.  I think that was the first visualization of my baby being held by Jesus... and me realizing it was probably like that.

Eric and I prayed for Cameron and I found little golden charm of a baby... I'm thinking it was probably left over from this morning, but I love that I found one.  We then walked along the trail and saw another statue of Jesus sitting next to a woman crying and clutching her heart necklace... and Jesus was holding a tiny baby.  Oh, wow... this was me!!!  I had my necklace that I clutch all the time... and he had my baby.  MY baby.  Why does he have my baby?  Again, I just broke down again... I touched the baby and kept asking why... why, why, why?  Why did you take my baby?  It was weird... I looked at Jesus's face and eyes and it seemed like he was staring at me and for the first time, I kind of felt anger toward him... You did this.  You took my baby.  I'm sorry if this will offend people, but I felt like hitting the statue... hitting his head... I just felt so much anger all of a sudden.  Why did you take my baby?  He was mine!  I should be holding him... he shouldn't be just a memory.  And hardly a memory at that... I have so little of him and it's just not fair.  I know others say that God gives us babies and life and it's his to take away... saying like Cameron wasn't mine at all, but he was.  He was from me... He needed me and I needed him.  So, why?  I just kept looking at the statue and touching the baby's face and wondering why.  It was a beautiful statue though... and I am glad it was there.  I'm sure it will be a place for me to go back to for Cameron.

I spent a lot of today crying... and a lot of it was for Puffins.  It just seemed like everything was hitting me head on.  I kept thinking of the way Puffins would look at me.  She looked at me liked she loved me.  You could just tell by the looking on her face.  I thought about how we would go to sleep and she would jump on my chest and lay right on it.  How she'd roll her eyes at my mom.  And how she had such a distinctive meow when she needed to.  She was my princess and she knew it.  I'd always call out for her in the backyard when she wasn't home, and within five minutes, she was at the french doors waiting to be let in.  She was my baby... my earth angel.  And now she's with my baby Cameron.  

All day it was bothering me about how she may have passed... I couldn't get passed it.  I couldn't get over the fact that she may have suffered... I couldn't imagine my princess suffering.  I kept looking at pictures of her and I just couldn't see her having buzzards around her and to be disgraced like that.  I kept wondering, how can I get over this now?  How can I just forget this?  I want to!  But I couldn't.  The more and more I thought about it and talked about it with Eric, I think we came to a reasoning of what may have caused her death... and it's the only thing that makes sense to me... and even more, it gives me comfort. 

We think she knew she was passing and went to hide, like cats do, to go.  She went to her favorite space under the shed at the neighbors and probably passed Friday or Saturday... hopefully, in her sleep and painlessly.  Saturday night was the terrible storm that flooded a lot of yards and she was pushed out by the water.  And Sunday, the neighbor saw the buzzards and that night I had the dream.  It doesn't make sense that should would just be lying in the backyard in the open... the neighbor has no dogs and there's no reason for that.  Or that she didn't come home before the storm... she always made it home before, she knew when it was coming.  Once we came to this conclusion, it's given me some comfort.  And the dream of her with Cameron has made me feel good that she's there with my baby keeping him warm and telling him how much his mommy loves him.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Puffins Celeste

It was January 22, 1999 and I was at home and heard the doorbell ring.  I was 16 and at my parents home.  I opened to door to see my boyfriend at that time, Ryan, standing there.  He pulled something out of his pocket and there was a tiny black and white kitty sitting in the palm of his hand!  My own cat!  I fell in love with her instantly.  And I knew her name already... Puffins.  Celeste was added for her middle name because she was angelic to me and it meant heavenly.  She was my earth angel for the last 12 years.

I got her name out of a National Geographic magazine when I was in 7th grade.  I loved the name of that animal and always said when I got my own cat, I'd name it Puffins.  And there was my Puffins.  She was just wonderful.  She loved me and was always with me.  She'd sleep with her head on my shoulder and then run down the hall in the morning and jump into my arms.  I went away to college and my parents told me she cried for me every night.  But when I'd come home, it'd be like nothing had changed.  Even though I went away many times, she'd always be there, like usual, when I came back.  She never forgot our bond.  I never forgot her... I literally thought of her every single day.

I always said I wanted to be cremated when I died and wanted her ashes to be mixed with mine.  I had planned to cremate her too.  Recently I had been worried about her... I'm not sure why, but I had been.  I kept hoping that if she was going to pass, that she would do it at home, so I could hold her little body.  My mom always told me how cats run away to pass and I just didn't want her to do that.  She was about 12 years old now... but she seemed pretty healthy.

Yesterday Eric and I went and put flyers with her picture up around the neighborhood.  This afternoon I got a call from a neighbor about a block down saying they had been feeding a cat that looked like her for the last two days... there was hope!  We drove there, but it wasn't her.  So, I was in my parents backyard calling her while Eric was watering Cameron's tree when the backyard neighbor asked me what cat I was looking for.  I told him Puffins, my black and white cat.  

The old man walked toward the fence to me and looked sad... he said he was conflicted about telling me and saw her flyers hung up, but said that day after the storm, which was Saturday night, he saw a lot of buzzards in the yard next to his and he was sure they were around Puffins body...

I just stared at him... and asked him if the cat he saw was fluffy, because she wasn't.  I needed to make sure and he said no... he couldn't see her face, but after he saw the flyer, he was sure.  Only two black and white cats ever went to his yard and he's seen the other since the storm, but not her anymore... and she was the one on the flyer.  It made sense... Puffins went missing about Thursday or Friday... Saturday night was the storm... Sunday he saw the buzzards and had the dream she was with snuggling with Cameron's stuffed animal.  And she always jumped over the fence at that area... so that would be the place she would be found.

So my Puffins is gone... I hate that this happened now.  I just hate it.  After Cameron, I was finding my way to God.  I'm trying to.... I'm praying every night with Eric... we're reading the bible every night.  And we want to start going to church.  The only way I can get through losing Cameron was having faith that I could see him again on the other side.  But now Puffins is gone... all within a little more than a one month period.

People say that she's just a cat and some people can't understand... others may.  But for 12 years I thought of her as my baby.  I cared about her like one, I thought about her like one, and I worried about her like one.  Yeah, it's not on the scale like Cameron... but it's a different type of love.  And true love.  It's real and I can't understand why two of the most precious one's in my life are taken from me so close in time.  First my Cameron which no one should ever have to go through... the loss of a child is one that nothing can compare to.  But now Puffins... which I just cherished for so long.

I keep hoping that she didn't suffer.  But I wish I knew how she went.  Was it the storm?  Was she hurt?  Did she think about me and wonder why I wasn't there to save her?  Or was she sick and she went like mom always said.  I hope it's the last... I didn't want her to suffer.  I can't imagine her suffering...

I keep thinking that maybe she was taken from me to give to Cameron.  Maybe God wanted Cameron to be with her?  But why?  I needed her right now... I'm still hurting.  But maybe Puffins was taken to him to show Cameron how much I could love since I loved her so much.  Cameron never got to feel my love... I wasn't able to hold his live body or kiss him or fall asleep with him.  But I was with Puffins.  I miss my Cameron so much... soooo much.  I now think the dream I had Sunday where Puffins was with Cameron's dinosaur, sleeping with him, was maybe her giving me comfort... telling me she's with him.  At least I hope it is.  I can only hope there is a purpose for this... otherwise, why put me through so much pain in such a short time...

In Memory of Puffins Celeste Exon
December 25, 1998 - October 2011

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What Else?

It's been about five days since my beloved cat, Puffins Celeste, has gone missing.  What else can go wrong? 

I received Puffins as a gift when I was 16 and since then, she was my world.  I even put her name on my class ring in high school!  I took her for my senior pictures also and have just adored her.  She was my baby for the last 12 years.  On Friday I was told that she hadn't been home... I was worried, but not too worried.  She's done this before.  But then there were rainstorms and it's been cooler than usual... anything lower than 75 degrees and she thinks it's cold. That's when I got worried.

Eric and I went around the neighborhood calling her and looking for her. I was glad I didn't see her in the middle of the street or something... so at least I knew she wasn't run over or anything... but then again, I couldn't find her at all.  My mom was saying that she thinks she also lives at another house and maybe she was there.  All I can hope is that maybe that's still a possibility...

And then Monday night, I had a dream that Puffins was in the washroom on the table snuggling with Cameron's stuffed dinosaur.  I woke up thinking that maybe that was showing me that she was with Cameron in heaven.  And all I could think of was why???  Cameron was already taken from me too soon, so why take Puffins now?!  But maybe she's with Cameron... so Cameron can take care of her while they're waiting for me... I hope not.  I didn't want Cameron to go so quickly... and I didn't want Puffins to go now.  Not yet. 

Two weeks ago my parents went to Cabo and I stayed at their home.  Puffins was in bed with me the whole time and I got to cuddle with her and hear her purr like I used to.  I was so glad I got to do that with her recently since I hadn't in such a long time.  Eric even noticed and Puffins was just loving it.  When I woke up the next morning too, she was already waiting for me and jumped right on the bed.  Puffins, I hope you're okay... I'm praying for you all the time too that you'll return safely home.  I miss you... if not, I hope you didn't suffer... and I hope you're now with my baby, so both my babies are together and my Cameron has my most beloved cat of all.  Puffins can show Cameron how much love his mommy can give.

I'm not saying bye to her just yet... I still have hope and please send out good thoughts.  I didn't want my baby Cameron to be gone, he wasn't supposed to be.  So, please don't take Puffins right now... this year is just not going well...

BTW, I went to the doctor today and so far all the tests have come out negative... good and bad.  I want to know what caused my sons death, but then again, if everything is negative so far, that means that it most likely is a chromosome problem, which means this is extremely unlikely to ever happen again.  It was just a fluke of nature than... Nature is cruel.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Angels Everywhere

I've noticed that ever since this whole tragedy happened, I've met some people that seem to be there just at the right time.  It seems meant to be.  For instance, today, I met a woman, I think her name was Maria.  I went to Mission Park Funeral Chapels by my apartment today with Eric to get my necklace filled with Cameron's ashes.  He was cremated at Puente and Son's and although they did an excellent job and have been and still are super supportive, this was closer and Puente and Son's gave me a necklace too... so I didn't want to take a different one to them to fill... I thought it may be rude.  By the way, Puente and Son's called Eric several weeks ago to check up on me... they were still concerned over me and told me they wanted to give me a necklace to fill... I thought it was so nice and made me happy.  It's a beautiful charm... a bronze baby angel.  But there was a necklace I had already had my eyes on of a mom hugging a baby that I could have engraved with Cameron's name and birthday.

Isn't it just beautiful?  I love that I can have him around me all the time now.  I was at first against putting his ashes in a necklace...afraid I may lose it or something.  But I started feeling guilty leaving the house too... I felt like I was leaving him behind.  And I start work in a couple of days... I felt I needed to do this.  So, they sent me the necklace with a kit to transfer the ashes, but I didn't trust myself to transfer myself.  So, I called Mission Park and they said they could help.

We went there and were sitting waiting for them to do the transfer... when a lady came and started talking about the rain.  I mentioned since September 17th it had been raining... which was the day we planted Cameron's tree for his memorial in my parents yard.  And it seemed perfect to keep raining since new trees need all the rain, ya know...

She asked if my son was a baby and I said yes... September 1st, he was still born.  She told me sorry and said that happened to her also.  Her daughter would have been 32 years old this year.  She seemed so warm and caring. Her daughters name was Erika and was 8 pounds and so many ounces.  She had to get a hysterectomy right afterwards and was unable to have anymore children.  How sad, I thought... right now I can't imagine not having a child to take care of... I want to take care of my baby.  She said it felt like the end of the world... I started tearing up and I saw tears come down her face too.  She buried her baby and she still visits her grave site.

All I could think of was, wow.... 32 years later and she's still hurting... she's still thinking of her baby she lost.  This was also comforting to me, as well... to know that I will still think of my baby years and years from now and he still will be considered my baby.  He will never be replaced and people still think of their children they lost.  She asked if she could give me a hug; I was aching for one, actually.  She leaned over and hugged me and we had a very heartfelt hug. We talked a bit more and asked me for my name and address... it seems they have a Christmas service with paper angels on the Christmas tree with names on them.  She wanted to send me an invitation when that time comes around. It sounded perfect to me.

I left there feeling a comfort I hadn't felt in a long time.  I felt like I met the right person at the right time.  An angel in disguise.  I met one in the hospital too... a nurse named Sylvia who told me about her eight babies she had lost... during my time in need, it made me feel like someone else was with me too.  

I hate that these angels have to exist... but it helps... no one should have to feel this pain, but it's here and won't go away.  Our babies won't come back, but it something that we have to live with... a new way of living without our babies here on earth.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Trying to Understand...

I understand people don't know how to react when something like this happens to someone.  I tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered how I would have reacted to someone.  I don't know if I would know what to do.  So, that's why I am able to excuse what some people have said to me.  I know they are trying to be helpful and when they say something to me, they think it's making me feel better, when in reality, it just hurts more.  Some examples...

My mother... something may have been wrong with him in the end... or in the hospital, after I had just given birth, she starts talking about someone else that just had a healthy baby.  I was too drugged up to tell her anything.  Or at my home the weekend I came home from the hospital, Eric's sister-in-law was there and she had a baby two months ago.  My mom ends telling her congratulations for the new baby and stuff.  I just had Cameron two days before this... and I couldn't get a congratulations... my baby wasn't cause for a celebration because of the situation. 

Eric's mother... Maybe you'll have twins next time.  He's lucky and in heaven or something like that.  This is one of my pet peeves of a lot of people... God has a reason, It wasn't meant to be... something along those lines.  God gave me this baby to carry so he knew I would love him.  Why take him from me then?  This doesn't make me feel better.  Or within a week of coming home, she calls and is asking Eric about a vacuum and asking him why he hasn't done anything... um, our baby was born still not even a week ago?  We're still grieving!  But then tells him we just need to heal... basically, get over it and move on.  This still angers me to this day and I still haven't spoken to her yet.  It's a month and 8 days after right now and I'm still grieving and still missing him.  And I can't imagine this ending anytime soon.  He's my baby, my son.

Eric's Grandma... She was a comfort to me at first, but then we she came to San Antonio, I realized that she didn't understand what had happened.  She made excuses for people that acted terrible... like Eric's dad.  And after only being home for one day from the hospital, she made a comment saying that it looked like I lost weight.  While I know she didn't mean this to be bad, I took it terrible.  I pulled Eric aside and told him that of course I had just lost weight!  I just gave birth to my baby boy!  I don't have him anymore!

My Dad... asking me if I wanted to go pick out a gift for my new nieces baptism.  Really?  Then two days later asking me if I wanted to go.  I just got mad then and asked him why he would ask me that.  It had only been about two weeks.  He said he just thought I'd want to go and pray for Cameron also.  I got up and walked out.  Little did I know that my mom had already warned him about asking me and told him not to, but he still did.

Eric's dad... WHILE I was in the hospital and had just given birth to my angel, he calls that night since he was in town and is wanting to stay at our apartment and take a shower.  He was still asking Eric if he was going to go home after Eric repeatedly kept saying he was staying in the hospital.  Then asked if the baby's heart was beating... really?  I just thought this was terrible... after what we're going through, he's still wanting a place to stay and shower.  And Eric's grandma understood this.

There were plenty more people just saying it was meant to be and everything happens for a reason and bs like that.  I got pregnant for a reason and I was supposed to have him to take care of. 

You're young, you'll have another child.  Um, I didn't want another one.  I wanted him!  He's my baby!  I can't just replace him!

Maybe you'll have twins.  See above.

The worst from my former friend Sarah... I strongly believe you get what you put out in the world.  Uh... what the heck is that supposed to mean???!  That I or Cameron deserved this?  That I caused my baby's death?  No.  I love him and I'm a good person.

Or people comparing this to abortions or stuff... people telling me their abortion stories... this is not like that.  I did not choose this. 

So, that's my rant.

Friday, October 7, 2011

In Loving Memory of my Son

Looking back at my last post, I was so naive, yet, I had a feeling.... right?

Since then, I found out I was having a precious baby boy.  A precious boy that would fill my life with adventure and love and show me how to care for someone so much that I would do anything for.  I went and bought clothes and looked at cribs and felt my clothes tightening along with the hardness in my stomach.  I felt the uncomfortableness in my stomach while sleeping and the sickness every morning.  Oh!  And I don't forget about that constant backpain!

But through all that, I was so excited to have this baby inside of me.  To be able to see his face and see how he'd look at me and know how much he'd be spoiled even though I said he wouldn't.  I know I would have been the BEST mom ever.

All that changed on August 29th.  August 29th.

August 27th I went to the 3D ultrasound and invited my parents.  They still were unable to get a good picture and his heartbeat was at 118.  All other times it was about 160, so I wasn't too worried.  My baby seemed to be lazy!  He was just sleeping... that's all.  I was 20 weeks at this point.  Five months.  I still hadn't felt him move, but I read that new moms can take up to 21 weeks to feel him.  The 3D tech didn't seem worried, so even though I was, I felt it was just my normal worrisome ness.

The next day I sent my parents the crib sets I wanted and they were talking about setting up the crib they had for Cameron to stay at their house...

Then Monday, the 29th, I was making the baby shower list and e-mailing Elissa about what I wanted... when I got the call from my doctor.  He told me that the ultrasound tech called him and told him she felt there were some abnormalities... what???  I didn't think I was hearing right.  Abnormalities?  But she's not a doctor... she could be wrong, right?  He agreed, but said they sometimes could tell things and it's best to check it out asap.  I was in shock.  Complete shock.

I, at first, thought I'd work throughout the day and just make a doctors appointment.  But, literally, second by second, it started affecting me more.  I e-mailed Eric right away and told him to answer my call right now.  I stood up and told my lead, Scarlett, I needed to leave.  I think I started crying at that point... I don't remember, but I'm sure I did.  When it came out, it just hit me.  She saw me and someone was working on her computer at her desk and just told me okay.  I think we were short staffed that day so no one was available to take calls, so she put on my headset that she didn't know how to work.  I told her I'd sign in, but she just told me to go and seemed like she understood.  She knew something was wrong.  I walked quickly out of the building in shock... not knowing what to do... I was in a daze.

I called Eric 1, 2, 3 times and no answer.  My gosh!  Why wasn't he answering?  There were gardeners out there and I was afraid they'd hear me.  That they'd wonder why I was crying... why was this girl crying at work?  So unprofessional!  So, I tried to stay as hidden as I could, but it was hard.  Eric finally called me back and I told him what happened.  I started crying.  He told me to leave right now to the apartment and he'll meet me there.  I was glad he did that because I didn't know what to do.  I honestly think I would have tried to go back to work... what was I thinking???!

I hung up and called my manager Monique to tell her what was going on.  In the middle of that call I got a call from my doctors office telling me they made an appointment with a high risk specialist for me at 1:15 PM or something like that.  I agreed and called my manager back telling her that I needed to leave and if she could bring my purse at my desk out to me.  I couldn't go back in there like this... I was crying so much.  How could this be happening?  Everything was perfect and there were no complications at all!

She came out and gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay.  How I wish that was true...

From then on, I met Eric at the apartment... those two hours of waiting for the doctors appointment seemed like the longest two hours ever.  We went to the doctors office with my parents meeting us.  I felt bad for them being there because I didn't think anything would happen and it was such a long wait.  We finally got seen and two hours we were told that my baby had a major heart defect.  I cried... is this for sure?  Yes, it was.  It was significant.  Significant. His heart would stop beating soon and I would have to deliver him when that happened.  Really?  I'd have to go through a labor and delivery still?  Yes.

He looked so perfect on the screen in front of his... his heart was still beating, which we thought was good.  From then on, everything happened so quickly...

That was Monday... Tuesday night I think his little heart stopped... Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment at 11 AM which confirmed he was gone... my baby was gone.  I only had less than four months left... but he left early.  There was no hope any longer.  No more hope at all.

I went to hospital right after that appointment, checked in, and delivered him the next evening.  At 6:13 PM.  One pound, One ounce, 10 Inches... my baby.  Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia.  He had his dad's mouth and feet, and had my lips and nose.  I got to hold him for a moment.  Those memories will be the most precious of my whole life. 

I was in such distress... I still am.  I miss him every minute of every day.  I think about him constantly.  I was 21 weeks and four days.  Over halfway there.

I have his foot and handprints as memories.  They're beautiful and I look at them all the time.  I still don't understand why this happened.  I was looking forward to him and would have made sure he was happy.

It makes me angry hearing about people that are mean and don't provide for their children when I would have done that in an instant.  How can people treat their children like that when I never even had the opportunity to care for my baby?

We had a memorial for him at my parents house and planted a tree...

I still don't understand why this happened to me.  I don't think I ever will.  I do know that he's my angel and I will never ever forget him.  I love him more than words can ever express.  And I will make sure that his future brothers and/or sisters will know him also.  They will always remember him and he will be honored for the rest of my life.  Just because my son isn't here with me on earth, I will still celebrate him and honor his as best I can.

I wish things would have turned out differently... oh, how i wish.  I wish I could have been waking up to him screaming in the middle of the night, feeding him, changing his diaper, being his Santa Claus... but I can't.  But how lucky am I told have held an angel?  Very.