Tuesday, May 15, 2012

March for Babies

I had meant to write about the march soon after, but things have been going on and I haven't had a chance to update my blog as often as I'd like.  The march was April 14th in San Antonio, Texas and it was wonderful.  I was so excited to be a part of this... I'm so excited to be a part of anything that will honor my Cameron.

Eric, my dad, and I showed up for the walk, early in the morning.  It was a gloomy day and the threat of rain was present throughout the morning.  It was surreal looking around at everything... I looked up at the stage and there were butterflies decorating it.  Butterflies... I used to hate butterflies.  I hated what they were made out of.  It was gross to me.  But now they have a completely different meaning to me.  A meaning of life... it doesn't really die, instead, it turns into something beautiful.  Just like my Cameron.  I kept looking at the stage, and it bought tears to my eyes.  The symbolism... the presence... the feeling that Cameron was looking down on us, knowing we were doing this for him.
List of babies gone too soon, helped by March of Dimes

They had a table set-up with a display of babies names that were now in heaven while under the care of March of Dimes.  Of course Cameron wasn't listed since he did not receive their services, but they had blank sheets available for people to write their child's name on it to display along with the others.  I wrote Cameron's name...  I was the first to write a name.  For a while, it was the only one that was handwritten.  It was sad, but I was kinda thankful about it.  Thankful there wasn't as many babies that were lost... thankful as many other parents didn't feel the grief that no parent should feel... As the day went on though, many more names started being listed and pinned up.  I hope all those babies knew that people were out there that loved them... people were out there to bring awareness to the loss of babies.  And remembering them and honoring them.

I joined the March of Dimes with my work group.  They all showed up wearing the work shirts... Eric and I stayed up the night before making our own.  I wanted to make sure I wore a shirt that represented Cameron... the reason for our walk.  I wanted people to see him... to recognize him.  To know that he is loved, and he is our son.

 Eric and I

The Start...

So, the march started and we walked.  My father and Eric came along... my mom has had a broken foot, so she wasn't able to make it.  I have to say, I was getting annoyed when we first got there by my dad.  I think I took this walk so seriously because there are so few things I can do for my baby... he's not here on earth for me to do things for him like other moms can... so when things like this come along, I want to give my all to honor him.  But when we got there, it didn't seem like my dad wanted to walk all that much.  He was trying to find the closest parking spots, complaining about walking around the lot, complaining about whatever... joking about how to cut through things to make the walk shorter.  And then it seemed to catch on to Eric... And they both started joking about it.  I hated it.  I hated that they were minimizing our remembrance of my son.  I know they didn't mean harm, but for the so few things that I can do for Cameron, I hate making jokes out of them.

 My dad and I with the shirts Eric and I created

Even as walking, I started getting tired.  My ankle started hurting from an old injury... but I kept talking to myself, telling myself, I'm doing this for you, Cameron.  My tiredness and injury is nothing compared to what Cameron had to go through.  Cameron never got to walk... but I'm doing it for him.  No pain that I feel is anything compared to what Cameron has lost... his life.

I think we all felt an accomplishment seeing the finish line.  As we were crossing the finish line, I saw a lady in front of me with a shirt representing her baby she had lost... it was only two weeks prior to that.  Wow, I thought.  I don't know if I could have done this two weeks after I lost Cameron.  It was still too raw... I was still in a wallow of my own depression.  I could barely move from my bed or couch.  There wasn't a day I didn't spend crying... I thought of how brave she must have been to be out here and how proud her baby must be of knowing how much his mom loved them.  That mom was putting all her grief aside to do this walk for her baby... and it was probably the most important thing to her at that moment.  Like it was to me.

So, Cameron, know that me and your daddy and grandpa were out there for you.  We are remembering you and loving you as best we could since we can't take care of you in person.  We love you and miss you more than anything.  I hope you saw us and hope you are feeling loved and happy.

BTW, there is still time to donate to my march.  You can visit http://www.marchforbabies.org/4cameron to make a donation.  Thank you

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Dreaded Mother's Day

Two days after mothers day last year, I found out I was pregnant.  I can't believe it's been a year since I knew about Cameron.  Since I knew about a baby growing within me.

Last Mother's day, Eric and I went out to dinner with my family.  I ordered stuffed chicken, which I normally love.  I found it disgusting... I couldn't eat it.  I tasted gross and all I ate was the risotto.  I gave the rest to my brother.  After I found out I was pregnant, chicken was one of the foods I could not stand.  I hated the taste of it and couldn't get myself to even think of eating it.  Odd how even before I suspected I was pregnant, my taste buds were already changing. 

While I was pregnant, I was planning for so many things.  Already planning for his first birthday party... already wondering how my first mothers day would turn out!  So, now that day is here... and it's not at all how I imagined.

I actually forgot about Mother's day and didn't think it would have much of an effect on me.  I kept getting those e-mail ad's and saw commercials, and I somewhat thought about it, but not too deeply.  I kinda put it in the back of my mind.  Until this last week.

I was at work and heard coworkers talking about what they were doing for mothers day.  Someone asked me what I was going to do for my mom.  I didn't say much... I kinda laughed half-heartedly about something, but I could tell I started feeling uncomfortable.  The more they kept talking, the more I felt myself getting more and more anxious.  I could feel one of those pesky anxiety attacks that I have come to know coming... all of a sudden, it came.  I got up and walked outside to get a breather.  But I still couldn't stop crying...

Am I a mom?  Yes.  I still am a mom, and I hope others recognize that.  I hope that just because I don't have my son here to celebrate with me, that people still remember I had him.  I went through the pain, the labor... he was in my womb.  I protected him as best as I could.   I held him and touched him... and I love him more than anything in this world.  I would give anything for him... and isn't that what a mom is? 

So, my first mothers day I am spending as a grieving mother.  So not how I imagined.  But I am Cameron's mom and proud.  And I hope he knows how great of a mom I would have been to him.  I know I would have been the best mom... just wish he could have experienced it. 

I love you, my Cammy.

And Happy Mother's day to all the grieving mom's out there.  I wish you a gentle day...