Tuesday, June 25, 2013


This weekend, Eric and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when I saw a hummingbird come to the sliding door windows that lead to the backyard.  I was so surprised!  It came right up to the window and buzzed around looking inside a second and then flew away.  I had never seen a hummingbird come that close... or even see a hummingbird, really.  I was amazed.  And for some reason, I keep thinking about it.  So, today, I finally looked up the meaning, wondering if the hummingbird meant something and I was astonished by what I found. 

I found this on a blog A Light In The Darkness:

It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward.

The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance. In the Andes of South America the hummingbird is a symbol of resurrection. It seems to die on cold nights, but comes back to life again at sunrise.

Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again.

They teach us courage. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently toward ourselves and others is an important part of healing. Recovering lost parts of ourselves enables us to become healthily independent.

It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol - further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.

Seeing the meaning of the hummingbird means more to me now... maybe Cameron was trying to tell me something with the upcoming arrival.  My mom keeps thinking of resurrection and the new baby being part of Cameron.  I know he's a part of Cameron because he's mine, but I wonder if he knew Cameron.  It's been hard to open my heart because of Cameron and the miscarriage after him... but it's slowly getting there.  As for courage... I feel anyone that has gone through this automatically has courage, but it's the part of creating new trauma that is hard.  You can't forget what's happened, but trying to live the best we can to get through it.  The symbolism just seemed so perfect.

Monday, June 10, 2013

My Wishes

It's been a while since I've updated.  School has kept me very busy along with other stuff.  I moved this weekend and got a new job a few months ago.  I was also interning... so I was extremely busy.  But I just talked with someone and needed to get down some thoughts I had:

My wishes for you... Ethan (right now)

1.  For you to be healthy
2.  For you to be alive
3.  For you to get to experience me as your mom in this life.
4.  For me to get to hold you and hear you cry and laugh
5.  For you to have the best life possible... I will try my best for you
6.  For me to be there to see you grow up
7.  For Cameron to be watching us and know that I am always thinking of him in everything I do, and I will ensure that you know about your big brother and how you are so lucky to have your big brother as an angel watching over you.  Most people don't have that.
8.  For Cameron to know that he will always be my first son.  And I cannot wait to see him and kiss him and hold him again.
9.  For Cameron to know that I will never forget him.  You are not replacing Cameron and you never could. You are your own person.  And while Cameron may see that I love you and cherish you and give you everything I can all the time... I hope he knows I would have done the same for him.  And I try my best in this life to honor him even though he's in heaven.
10.  For you to love me.
11.  And for me to love you as I love Cameron.

I had bad feelings throughout my pregnancy with Cameron.  I haven't had much with this baby, but I'm scared to have good feelings.  I am very aware of what can happen and know there is never a "safe" period. I am hoping that in November, I get to come home with my healthy and alive baby in my arms.  My rainbow.  I hate saying rainbow after the storm, because Cameron was not a storm.  But this baby will be a rainbow.