Barbara Bush on Today recalling her daughter

Barbara Bush recalls daughter’s death: ’I saw her spirit go’

I needed to share this video.  It touched me so much.  I know Cameron will be the first person I see when I leave this earth and I can't wait to hug and hold him.  

So Many Things...

I started a new job as a data entry person.  It's absolutely perfect for me.  It's part-time and I get to make my own hours... plus, it's easy.  Working on this master's degree is taking its toll on me.  I really had no idea is was going to be this much work... physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I think I had mentioned it in my last blog, but I wasn't feeling as sad as I used to.  But then last week in my Human Behavior class we were talking about babies that were born addicted to crack or any type of drugs, really.  Throughout the discussion, I was having to hold back tears.  Luckily, a break was immediately following that and I went outside and called my friend Adriana crying.

It's so frustrating to me... and I don't understand it.  I'm still not at 100% believer in God, but I am trying to be.  I feel that is the only way I can see my Cameron.  But I have so many questions.  If God was real, why would he put someone through all this pain?  Why would he allow mothers that do drugs and drink throughout the pregnancy to have their LIVE baby at the end?  And why not me??  I didn't do stuff like that... I would have been a great mom... I miss my Cameron so much.

Then on the way to work today, I saw a funeral procession and that got me thinking of Cameron again.  Wondering who was in that casket.  Wondering if it was someones child.  Wondering how the family was feeling that was in the limo following the hearse.  Normal people don't think like this!

I even had a dream about two nights ago that some lady was pregnant and I touched her stomach and had a vision (in my dream) that she was having twins.  She got very excited, but then I told her that they weren't going to live and something was exploding in her.  I kept saying that over and over... that something was bursting.  But I saw the twin babies in a sonogram in my dream clearly...

At my new job, the owner brings her daughter there... she's probably about one years old.  Just about what Cameron would have been... I hear her laughing and smiling and walking around.  And always wonder if that's how Cameron would have been.  It's hard for me to look at her.  I'm trying.  I know I need to get over this fear of mine... this anxiousness about being around little kids.  I want to and I need to.

I always wonder what Cameron would have looked like now.  What his smile would look like.  What his laugh would have sounded like... how his legs would have looked like?  Would they be chubby?  Would he be fast to learn walking?  What would his first word would have been?

It's just a constant thing... over and over...

But there's one quote I saw that summed everything up:

Grieving the loss of a child is a process,
It begins the day your child passes
And ends the day the parent joins them.

~B.J.Karrer  

I'm a Mrs.!

I am married!  Cameron's parents are married!

I hope Cameron was with us and saw his parents take their vows toward each other. 

Eric and I got married on October 20th, this past Saturday.  At the beginning of the ceremony, we lit a memorial candle for those that have passed, and made a special prayer for our son, Cameron. 

I even kept on Cameron's necklace with his ashes throughout the wedding. 

Oh, my baby Cameron... you have changed my life so much.  Your dad is one of the best men I have ever met.  And the sweetest to me.  You've changed my career path... I am now working on my Masters in Social Work for you.  And now I am married to your dad! 

The wedding was beautiful.  For the most part.  There was drama at the end at the sort of "after party" in Eric and my suite.  We had people come up to continue celebrating with us, but the drama did not ruin our wedding, though people are still talking about it. 

I want to thank my parents sooooo much for this wedding. They really tried to make it the wedding of my dreams and if I had calmed down and didn't rush, I would have actually enjoyed it more and took it all in!  But I was so rushing through the whole thing... I don't even think I looked at myself in the mirror!  lol

So, now I am a Mrs.  I'm keeping my last name though... and I'm happy to know that Cameron can see his parents unite in their love for each other.

Been Busy

It's been a while since I wrote, but I have so busy.  I started working on my Masters, which I love, working, and planning for my wedding coming up this weekend!

This Masters degree is really taking up way more time than I thought it would.  I had no idea it would take this much and these many projects.  Way more than law school ever took from me.  So, I have quit my job.  And I feel good about it.  I felt bullied in my department and felt I did a considerable amount of the work without recognition.  It was tiring and putting a huge toll on me that I did not need.

Luckily, my fiance encouraged me and supported my decision to quit.  I am so lucky to have him.  I know it's going to be a struggle for us, but it's also for the best. The more and more I get into this degree, the more I realize that I am in the right place.  This degree fits me so well, it almost frustrates me that I didn't know about social work before!  :)  And, it's all because of my Cameron. 

So, this weekend I am getting married!  We will be doing a memorial candle before the ceremony starts to symbolize those that passed in our lives... and especially for my baby Cameron.  Oh, Cameron... everyday I think of him.  Everyday I worry if I'm forgetting him, but I know I'm not.  I'm not as sad as I used to be... and this kinda scares it.  It scares me because I feel that if I'm not sad, it's a form of forgetting.  But I know it's not.  I can never forget my angel.  I miss him all the time.  I think of him all the time....all the time.  When there is work in class I don't want to do, I remember that I am doing this for Cameron.

So, this was just a quick hello since I haven't written here for a while.  Next time I write, I'll be a Mrs.!

. . .

I was, and still am, very indecisive and hesitant about writing this particular blog...

I don't know if this is too personal or something I should keep to myself, but I thought about it more and the more I thought about it, I felt it was important to share.  Especially because of who I write this blog for.  I write this blog for those angel mommies out there.  Those moms that lost their children too soon.  Those that have no one else to relate to in their "real life."

When I first lost Cameron I felt that no one around me understood.  And it was true, no one did.  Until I found an online community of blogs and postings and groups of mothers that felt the same way I did.  They had the same feelings I did... some that I couldn't put into words.  I wasn't alone.  Someone else had to go through the same feelings and understood.

Eric and I found out that we were pregnant last Sunday.  I was scared, but super excited.  Like, beyond excited.  I knew it wasn't a good time.  I know I just started school and we're in a one bedroom apartment now, and we're getting married October 20th.  But I didn't care anymore.  I wanted this baby so much.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Eric was too.  Through all the excitement though, I was scared.  How could I not be after Cameron?

I took about 12 tests... ha, yes, 12!!!  But reason being, half were coming out negative and the other half positive.  I know I was super early in my pregnancy.  I called my doctor first thing in the morning Monday and they sent me for a blood test to confirm.

It was confirmed!  I was pregnant!  Everyone at the office was super excited for me.  They too went through losing Cameron with me and saw my grief.

I immediately downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my phone to start tracking again... our baby was the size of a sesame seed!  I was already talking to him or her, and I had a good feeling about this pregnancy... a cautiously good feeling...  I went online and joined other pregnancy groups and was already looking at taking home outfits and baby picture props and outfits.  I couldn't wait.

I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew I was super early in my pregnancy and because of what happened last time... though with Cameron I was five and a half months pregnant when I delivered him.

Everything seemed to be panning out like it was supposed to.  I was confirmed pregnant, and coincidentally, the house across the street from my parents was for sale, which would be perfect since Eric and I are in school and would need babysitting.  I couldn't wait to hold and kiss this baby.

My doctor had wanted me to take additional blood tests every other day that week, I guess just to confirm the blood levels.  Wednesday was my second one, which I took during lunch.  When I came back from lunch I noticed I was spotting... I started panicking.  I called my doctor's office crying and they told me to come in right away.

Eric picked me up from work and we went to the doctor.  The whole time, everyone around me was telling me that bleeding was sometimes normal during early pregnancy.  I read it online too... gosh, I hoped this was the case.  Please be the case.

The doctor checked me out and even did a sonogram, but because I was so early on, he couldn't see anything.  He stated everything looked normal and good... and he even had a good feeling about this!  He stated my spotting was nothing and some women bleed throughout their whole pregnancy, and I was hardly bleeding.  Not to worry about it.

Whew.... I was so happy and relieved afterwards.  I felt so much better.  Everything was okay!  This baby is going to be okay!  :)

Thursday came and the spotting seemed to be getting more and more... I tried not to worry because the doctor did warn me that I was going to bleed more and heavier.  But I don't know... I just knew something was wrong.  A big clot came, but didn't hurt and didn't stain anything... I didn't know if this was part of the heavy bleeding the doctor had told me about, but I was nervous.

I called my doctor and felt like I was bugging them... I told the nurse who answered that it was me again and I know the doctor told me not to worry and I'm trying not to, but I am bleeding more... though he told me I would... but just wanted to see if they got the blood results back from the day before.  She told me they did and they were sitting on his desk, but it was a super busy morning so he hadn't had a chance to call.  But HE  would call me personally to tell me how they were.

Because the doctor was going to call me personally, I knew.... I just knew something was wrong.  Why would he call me personally?  I was nervous until that call... I was carrying my phone everywhere with me... finally about 1:10 PM, I went to the restroom, and that's when he called me.

I could tell instantly from his voice everything wasn't okay... he told me that he got the blood results back and it didn't look like good news.  He asked if I was bleeding more.  I said yes.  He said yes, my hcg levels came back at a FIVE.  A five!  That's super low... they dropped... a lot.  I was losing the baby... having a miscarriage.  I told him I knew... I had a feeling.  Then I started crying... what is wrong with me?  Why me?  What did I do?  Is this always going to happen?  Am I never going to have a live baby?

He reassured me that this was completely separate than what happened with Cameron.  Completely isolated incident.  Nothing to do with the other.  That a lot of women have miscarriages and most didn't even know they had them, especially this early in the pregnancy.  That I can still have another healthy baby... but he told me that last time and now look...

He told me to expect a lot of cramping in the next week or so... about five to seven days.  And I asked if I was just supposed to act normal... like just keep going to work and school while this is happening.  He said yes, sometimes, depending on the cramping... but because of all I've been through, he would write me a note if I wanted sometime off.  I hung up and cried.

I went to my supervisor at work and told her what happened.  I couldn't stop crying... it hurt so much.... another baby was gone.  Another hope and dream... I went home and cried.  And just laid in bed.  I couldn't do anything, again, to help my baby.  Was it because of stress?  I'm beyond stressed at my job... beyond... was it that, that made me lose this baby?  I kinda think it was... I don't know though... I know everyone will tell me it wasn't, but I think so and if so, it was my fault.  I couldn't protect he or she.

I had school that night too, but emailed my professor about what happened... hey, it's social work, they should understand.  And then I went to sleep.  My friend Melissa was calling me, I guess, but I didn't even hear my phone and even if I did, I don't know that I would have wanted to answer.  I was just wallowing in pain...

I called my friend Breanna and told her what happened... as I told her someone was knocking at my door.... it was Melissa.  She was worried about me since I wasn't answering my phone and even called Eric to find out if I was okay.  I am so thankful to find a friend like her... I have been very unhappy at my job... just so many issues and unfairness with the treatment of people in my particular unit , but I think that I may have been placed in this unit to meet her.   She bought me these flowers and a card:

It was so unexpected and so sweet.

I called in Friday... no way I could go to work.  And went for another blood test that day... still haven't gotten the results back from that one.

And today is Monday, and again, I'm home.  I don't understand how I can go on to work and school while in the process of losing my baby.  It doesn't seem right.

For the most part, I'm okay.  I'm sad, but I'm okay.  I just wish I knew what to expect.  I don't really know how long a miscarriage takes... or if I'm already done with it or if I should expect more... I don't know.  But I guess I'll find out.

This was supposed to be my rainbow baby.  I couldn't wait for my rainbow.  For those that aren't aware of what a rainbow baby is, it's the baby that is born after the loss of child through miscarriage or stillbirth... the rainbow after a storm.  I guess my storm isn't over, but I'll be waiting for my rainbow anxiously.

And Cameron now has company with him in heaven.  And I know he's taking care of his brother or sister.  I miss you my baby Cameron....

Happy Birthday, My Love

September 1st was Cameron's birthday.  I was anxious as the day was approaching.  Wondering if it would be just a regular day or if I would just completely breakdown.  The closer the day came, the more I realized how much harder it was becoming for me.  I was crying the days leading up to the 1st... and the actual first, I didn't do much at all.

I didn't want to be home.  Eric and I went to a bed and breakfast in town just so I didn't have to.  I felt maybe that would get me away... as we walked into our room, look at the bed sheets on our bed! 

Yes, I believe that was Cameron showing me he was with me still.

I have way more things to say that I don't know if I will yet... some things that have happened recently that I am dealing with right now.  I will write about it soon because I feel the need to share with other mom's that have gone through this.  I know reading about others experiences helped me the most... I will soon.

But right now, I just wanted to write a quick post saying that I miss Cameron.... I hope he's watching over us and I love you so much and wish you were here.  Happy birthday, my love! 

I'll be writing more this weekend... I think.

Remember to Breathe...

I felt like I had been doing a ton better the last month or two.  I felt better.  Even as Cameron's birthday was approaching on Saturday... I was actually wondering if it would have an affect on me.  Or if it would just be another day.  Stupid me.

Last night I started crying a lot... my first sign I wasn't going to take it well.

Right now I am home from work... I went to work this morning.  And now I'm home.  I had a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe.  Some girl at work had her baby and they were going to email out pictures.  My first thought when she had her baby was, "Great... her baby is good.  He's alive."  Isn't that sad that that's my first thought about a newborn???

My manager asked me first if I wanted to be included on the e-mail with the baby picture.  I said I'd rather not, but was thankful she asked me.  I thought it was okay, until I went back to my desk.  Then thoughts just kept running through my head. 

I kept anticipating when she was going to send the e-mail... then I'm going to hear everyone around me cooing and ahhing over the baby.... and he was born on the day that Cameron died!

Yes, one year ago today is when I truly believe Cameron passed away.  About 9 PM at night... I told Eric I felt him leave.  And it was confirmed the following day by ultrasound.  We had just heard his heartbeat the day before... it happened so fast.  So fast.  Too fast.

I just kept thinking and thinking... my baby was supposed to be here... my baby.  I couldn't breathe and started crying.  I went outside hoping to recover, but it didn't help and I took an early lunch.

So here I am... trying to breathe.  Remembering to breathe.  I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying.  I hadn't cried like that in so long. 

I remember when everything first happened, I had such a sorrowful cry.... I would wake up in the middle of night WAILING... shouting, crying, yelling for my baby... just yelling for Cameron... crying for my baby... heaving and wailing.  That crying happened again today.  And oh my gosh... it just reminded me of everything.

I am dreading Saturday.  It's Cameron's birthday... his first birthday in heaven.  I don't know what I'm going to do....

A Boy

As of August 8th, 2012, it has been one year since Eric and I found out we were having a boy. 

No idea it had been that long.

I had a rough couple of days.  I was tempted to just not come back to work during lunch yesterday after just breaking down during lunch. 

One of my coworkers is pregnant.  I've done good ignoring it, but it also doesn't help that my coworkers seem to hate me.  So, they have no sensitivity to things.  Before I went to lunch they were just talking and talking about the new baby boy coming and all the plans and the 3-D ultrasounds and everything.... I was stuck in the middle listening.  I finally got up and just went to lunch.  And that's when I just cried....

I even tried calling K Love to talk to one of their pastors... that's how hard it was. 

I thought I was getting better?  But I guess these anniversaries creep up on you unexpectedly and hit you like a boulder.

One year ago, I was actually kinda mad I was having a boy.  I wanted a girl.  I felt so guilty for this after I lost Cameron... thinking that somehow it was my fault.  That I should have never been mad about this little fact.  I just want my little boy back!

I told Eric today that I don't care what we have next time... I'm not going to be picky.  Yet a little part of me wants a boy now... not to replace Cameron... NEVER.  But I guess to see what it would be like to raise a boy since I missed out with Cameron. 

Today they were also having two baby showers at work... both for two people that were expecting boys.  Wow, it's like it's all coming down on me now.  I luckily didn't go in because I don't know what I would have done.  And don't know how much further behind that would have put me.

Just a short note for the time being...

Remembering Cameron

I struggled with ways to remember Cameron after I lost him... Many mom's had memorial items they made for other angel mommies.  It was such a sweet thing to do and helped me memorialize Cameron.  I tried to think about something I could do, but could never think of a good enough idea.  Like other angel mommies, I had a hard time feeling the NEED to take care of my baby, but have no baby to take care of.  I think a lot of us start doing memorials and blogs in order to feel that need to take care and mother our babies.  This is the only way we have.  Christian's Memorial Beach is one that a mother made for her baby and she writes names in the sand during a sunset.  It's so beautiful and thank you for making me one for my son!  :)

As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a lawyer.  I went through my whole life and through college with the sole intent on going to law school.  And I went.  I was ecstatic about getting accepted and moving to Fort Worth.  It was my dream.  And I loved it.  At first.

As the second semester came, I realized my heart wasn't in it.  It wasn't what I imagined and it was super expensive.  And then I saw the job market.  I read tons of articles about law students that couldn't find lawyer jobs after they graduated with $150,000 in loans!  I just couldn't do it and I left back to San Antonio.  And I came back completely confused.  All my life I had planned on being a lawyer... and now I decided I didn't want to do that, so what was I to do?

I went from wanting to be a pilot to a teacher to back to being a claims adjuster.  I was just all over the place, but didn't feel that those were any that I wanted to make a career out of.  Then the regret set in of quitting law school.  I thought I shouldn't have.  I should have just stuck it out.  And although I know I wouldn't mind being a lawyer still, Cameron has showed me my real calling.  I figured this out shortly after I lost him. 

My doctor had referred me to a postpartum counselor.  I called her and told her what happened and she didn't seem to be very understanding... everything was business.  Plus, she was booked up for the next two months!  I asked if she had another counselor she could refer me to and she told me the only other one that specialized in postpartum counseling was her partner and she was also booked for about the next two month.  I was dumbfounded.  I live in San Antonio, Texas.  One of the largest cities and there's only two postpartum counselors here?  I did my own research online and found the same results.  I also looked in Houston and Dallas and found similar results.  This was crazy.

I was frustrated and sad and grieving... feeling all those emotions and needing a counselor... and wanting one that understood.  Yet, I would have to wait two months to speak to someone.  I ended up finding another counselor that a co-worker recommended to me... and it's worked out well, but I can't believe that I was having to deal with the dilemma of finding a counselor that specialized in my difficult type of loss on top of my grief.  It just didn't seem right.  I was crying out of frustration and didn't know what to do. 

I wondered how many other women had to go through this.  Had to feel the dread and sorrow of losing their child and then having no one to go to.  No one that understood them. 

I realized that this is what I wanted to do.  I want to be a resource for other parents.  For other people dealing with grief, but especially dealing with the loss of their child.  It's a totally unfair situation that we have to deal with.  And with no one to turn to immediately, it just seems to compound more and more...

I already had my bachelor's degree... so I applied to UTSA for my Master's in Social Work.  I was first going to go into counseling, but my counselor advised me that the Social Work master's program will give me better opportunities and is more respected in the community.  I so thank her for telling me this since I had no way to navigate on my new career path!

Just yesterday I got a response from UTSA that I was OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED!  

I am beyond ecstatic.  These last three days have been pretty hard on me... I've been stuck inside my home, sleeping all day.  I haven't felt like doing anything nor had any energy to do anything.  I know this is part of the whole depression thing... and I'm working on it.  It's just hard to overcome.  I will never wake up to Cameron's cry... and that's something I realize everyday I awake.

But now I am on a path to keep Cameron's memory alive and help other mom's and dad's that have to go on this terrible, unfortunate path that no one should have to go on.  Because of Cameron, he showed me my path in life.  I love you my baby.  I hope I can do good in your name.  I promise to try my best and make you proud.   

Disaster Sensitivity

This past Friday at work I had a training for disaster sensitivity, basically training us how to be sensitive to others that have been involved with a disaster since I work with claims.  I didn't think much about it... I didn't know what to expect.  But it bought back so many feelings and memories of when I lost Cameron...

So weird how things that would have never touched me like that, now bring up so many memories.  And no one understands.  Although I'm sure you angel mommies out there do.  But I'm sure none of my co-workers would have even thought about it...

So, when we first got in there they had a scenario that made us pretend that we were part of the Bastrop fires in September of 2011.  The trainer started saying how she was sure we all remembered it since it so close to home and showed a slideshow of pictures.  I don't remember any of it.  I was preoccupied in September of 2011.  September 1, 2011 I delivered my baby boy, Cameron.  I was living through my own disaster, not to worry about others in a disaster too.  I was in a fog.  A gloomy fog that didn't seem to ever lift.  In fact, it seemed to get worse and worse... I was dead inside.  I couldn't watch TV.  I couldn't listen to music.  I couldn't read.  I couldn't get up.  I couldn't stop crying.  

This whole training was emotionally draining for me.  I was tempted to go home after it.  It was hard to sit through and hard to keep hearing about September.  Hard to hear and train others to deal with someone in a tragedy.  Though I think many of my co-workers do need that training...

They had us answer a question when we introduced ourselves... we had to pick one of four questions.  I chose to answer what I have learned in the past about people who experience a disaster... I answered it based on personal experience.  I said that people react in different ways and not to judge someone by how they are handling it.  They are scared and angry and just want help since they did not choose this to happen to them.  I hope they heard me and understood.  I feel very judged at work.  I feel like many people think I should be over the loss of my son.  I will NEVER get over it.  And I don't want to, nor do I feel the need to.  

I can't believe that it's almost a year since I lost Cameron.  It feels like last week.  It doesn't seem like the time has passed. The pain has gotten better... but then again, I'm still not myself.  I still feel empty, but I think I'm always going to.  Even when I have another baby, their brother is always going to be missing.  Our family will never be whole.  I saw this quote online, but unsure where it's from, but I thought it summed up things so well:

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,

but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

I Miss Him...

I miss my son.

So much.

I woke up today feeling worse than I have in a while... wanting to relive everything.  I feel bad other days, but today, I feel that emptiness feeling again like I felt those first several weeks... that emptiness that is so raw. 

When I came back from the hospital after delivering Cameron, I started writing a ton on a legal notepad.  I wanted to remember everything.  I wrote everything I could remember from August 29, that Monday, to September 1st... when I held him.  I haven't looked at that notepad since.  I finally pulled it out this morning and read it.  I wanted to relive holding him... to relive delivering him... to relive seeing him for the first and last time.

I loved reading it and remembered how all it felt then.  Oh, how I miss him... oh, how I wish things could change.  Oh, how I wish I had my baby here with me. 

I also started a separate notepad of what was happening in the days after I came home.  I know that one is more depressing and has a lot of the anger I felt toward people those first few days or weeks... I'm not going to read that one yet.  I just wanted to remember my angel today.... remember how I felt with him.  How everything happened so fast... remember how everything transpired so quickly.

It is just terrible knowing that I have to go through the rest of my life without my son by my side.  Or maybe he is here with me, but I can't take care of him and can't hold him.  It's just not the same... I can't share the joys other mom's can with their kids. 

I miss you so much, Cameron.

Today is just a bad day.

Ten Months

It has been 10 months since I delivered Cameron.  So, he would have been 10 months now... gosh, how different my life would have been.  Instead of just Eric and I, there'd be a third to our family... a bouncing baby boy.  What would he be like?  Would he have been a cry baby?  Or a quiet one?  Would he have slept all night?  Would he have been serious or a laughing baby?  So many questions that will never have answers.  Until, of course, I meet him in heaven. 

I thought I started feeling better recently.  Thinking less of the tragedy itself, but more of everything in a positive light.  I wasn't feel so sad, except of course for the dreaded Monday's for me.  But then I started having difficulties at work... I feel that many people feel I should be over it by now, so I'm not going along their grieving guidelines.  And I don't even talk about Cameron at work... I know how I am judged there, so I do not bring anything up anymore.  But because I am absent sometimes, I know I am judged because they feel I should "get over" the loss of Cameron.  I want to ask them if they would put a timeline on the loss of their own child?  If that were to happen, can they ever imagine getting over it?  I doubt they'd say yes. 

And I am so glad they do not have to go through this.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  Never.  I hate seeing new blogs being started by new angel mommy's.  It's the worst club to be a part of.

I've said it before, Monday's are very hard for me.  A lot of times it's like I'm reliving everything that happened... But the rest of the days seem to be a lot easier for me.  Except yesterday.  I came home from work and just felt terrible.  It's hard to explain, but I felt frustrated and sad and on the verge of crying.  I went to bed and laid down in the dark and just cried.  Eric went in there and held me.  I just felt terrible.  I'm assuming this is what depression is?  Gosh, even though I guess I have it, I still don't really know what it is or how to explain it.  I never thought it'd be me suffering from it. 

I woke up today with puffy eyes and still feeling bad... so, here I am, home.  I was hoping to feel better by noon to make it into work, but I don't see that happening right now. 

Fourth of July is tomorrow... it seems all the holiday's just kinda go on... it's not a big deal anymore.  I barely even notice them coming and going.  It's just another day all the time. 

On another note (a positive one!), I have submitted my application to get my Master's in Social Work.  Another way to honor my Cameron.  If anyone knows me, I normally don't advertise attempts of what I do until I actually get it.  I fear being rejected and then being embarrassed that I did not make it, but this time is different.  Even my attempt is my way of honoring Cameron.  I want to help other mother's out there... and help those unfortunate mom's and dad's that have no where else to turn too.  I know how that felt and that is something they do not need to worry about after losing their child.  So, hopefully in a couple of years, I'll be able to get into counseling to help these people.  I'll let you know once I get word back!

Aurelia Rose Inc.

Several months ago I was looking up videos of that song I Will Carry You by Selah and Youtube when I came across one that showed a mom and her baby.  A video she had made a dedication to her daughter Aurelia Rose.  It was beautiful.  At the end of the video, I realized that she actually started her own organization to make videos like this for grieving parents.  Wow.  What a great service to provide... something to honor our babies with one of the most beautiful songs ever... this song is constantly playing in my head throughout everyday. 

I went to the website http://www.aureliarose.org/ and filled out an application to have them create a video for me.  For Cameron.  I got a response back within a day... I was amazed at how fast they wrote me back and stated they would be happy to make a video for me!  I immediately started gathering the photos I had.  They only allow up to 40 pictures on a DVD, yet, I was having trouble coming up with 40.  Isn't that sad?  My own child, and I struggle to find just 40 pictures... I wish I had taken more at the hospital.  At least one of me holding him... kissing him.  One of my parents hold him... their only grandchild.  But I have none.  So instead, I started trying to take pictures of things that symbolized him.  Things that we have done for him since.  And it took several months, but I finally submitted them all a couple of weeks ago.

I was anxious to get the DVD back.  And once again, Katrina, the founder, was quick to respond to me and told me they were getting started on the DVD.  There are several options of songs to choose from and different formats for the pictures to be seen on, but I chose the scrapbook format alongside of I Will Carry You.  She kept me updated throughout the process and told me when they would be shipped out.  They also provided multiple copies of the DVD so I could give to mine and Eric's parents, and my Aunt Elva, who was there to share in the joy of the only moment we got to spend with Cameron.

I received the DVD's, but was so scared to watch them.  I didn't want to cry.  Just recently, I've started feeling better than I have since I lost Cameron.  I didn't want to go back to that dark place.  So, I held the DVD's, but did not watch them until last week.  And I was so moved and so surprised.  Aurelia Rose did a beautiful job!  And I wasn't sad!  I felt a sense of hopefulness... a sense of peace that I did not expect.  I was moved.... and happy.  I saw my baby on there... I saw how much love there is for him... and I felt peace. 

I love how grieving mother's do things like this for their children.  This is their way of keeping their child's memory alive... of doing something for their child since their child is not in our physical world to cherish.  I have been pondering about what I can do for Cameron... some mom's write names in sand, in the stars, on doves to send to other mothers.  Others make scrapbook tags, handkerchiefs, videos like this!  I've talked about it with Eric, but we're still at a loss of what our contribution can be.  I know for Cameron's birthday, September 1st, I do want to make memory boxes to donate to the hospital for other mom's that have to go through this terrible loss.  It's hard being in the hospital, in the maternity ward, delivering your nonliving child, when you know next door, that family is happy hearing their baby cry... and it was a different outcome for us.  So, I am so grateful for Threads of Love in San Antonio, Texas that provided me with Cameron's memory box.  I wasn't expecting it, but I love it so much.

Please consider donating to Aurelia Rose at their website.  And other angel mommies out there reading this, visit Aurelia Rose to honor your babies.  Such a beautiful way Katrina is remembering her daughter...

My First Mother's Day

I thought I had posted this for Mothers day... but here it is, a month later:

My first mother's day was last weekend.  Nothing that I had expected it to be.

I HATE that this is how I will always remember my first Mother's Day.  HATE it.

I hate that I didn't have Cameron.  I hate that I didn't have a baby to smile and laugh with me.  I hate that I couldn't kiss Cameron.  I hate that I couldn't hold him again.  I hate that everyone seemed at work seemed to talk about their mother's day... and no one even thought of me.

Through out the week, my mom kept asking me what I was going to do.  I honestly did not think of Mother's day too much.  I saw ad's... I got e-mail ads... I heard my family talk about it.  But I think I pushed it so far out of my mind,  I didn't think of it much.  I had no opinion on it.  I didn't vocalize anything until my mom kept pushing me for what I wanted to do that day... thinking that they just wanted to know because she wanted to know for herself, of course.  I finally snapped back at my mom, "Ya know, this was supposed to be my first mother's day!"  She said back that she knew and that's why she was asking.  I didn't think that anyone else was recognizing me... except you angel mom's out there and Eric.  But I was wrong.

I woke up for Mother's day... not wanting it to come, but not really caring either.  And sort of scared.  Not sure how I would be that day.  I woke up and looked at Cameron's urn on my dresser.  Oh, baby, I wish you were here...

Then behind his urn was something new... I had to put my glasses on to make it more clear.  It was a teddy bear holding a baby teddy bear with a balloon saying Happy Mother's Day!  I smiled.  Eric put that there last night so I could wake up to it.  Happy Mother's Day... it was very sweet.

We headed over to my parents house with my mom's gift in hand.  Her and my dad seemed excited to give me mine.  Yes, they got me a Mother's day gift!  :)  And it was beautiful.  It was a silver ring with mine, Eric's, and Cameron's named engraved on it with our birthstones.  Isn't that the most precious thing?  My mom had an idea to have our names on it and then as I have my future babies, to get their names engraved on it too.  Unfortunately, the jeweler or whoever messed up and put Cameron FULL name on it... and he has a long name!  Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia.... yup!  So, no more room for anymore names!  But I will for sure have future babies still!  Cameron should have his own ring anyway.... just for being my first born and not being on earth with us.  He's an angel.

Even my other brother, Paul Conrad (who Cameron is named after also) got me something.  I was amazed how people recognized me as being a mom... even though I don't feel like it.  :)  And got texts from people, like my friend Adriana who said, "Thinking about you today... You are an amazing momma to Mr. Cammy.  Love ya Kon!"  :)  That just made me smile and I still look back at it.  Yes, I hope I am an amazing Momma to my Cameron!  I'm trying the best I can... as much as I can.

I was so tired the entire day.  More tired that I have ever been.  I just wanted to go to sleep.  Eric and I headed home about 4:30 and I went straight to bed.  And stayed in bed till the next morning.  I don't think I have ever done that.  I think maybe that was my body's protective measure... knowing that it was a hard day for me, even though I wasn't completely recognizing it... and taking care of it.  What better way to spend it than to sleep through it since I can't celebrate with my son.

BTW, I have added more tabs to the top of my page with blog art, poetry, and quotes that I've seen. 

March for Babies

I had meant to write about the march soon after, but things have been going on and I haven't had a chance to update my blog as often as I'd like.  The march was April 14th in San Antonio, Texas and it was wonderful.  I was so excited to be a part of this... I'm so excited to be a part of anything that will honor my Cameron.

Eric, my dad, and I showed up for the walk, early in the morning.  It was a gloomy day and the threat of rain was present throughout the morning.  It was surreal looking around at everything... I looked up at the stage and there were butterflies decorating it.  Butterflies... I used to hate butterflies.  I hated what they were made out of.  It was gross to me.  But now they have a completely different meaning to me.  A meaning of life... it doesn't really die, instead, it turns into something beautiful.  Just like my Cameron.  I kept looking at the stage, and it bought tears to my eyes.  The symbolism... the presence... the feeling that Cameron was looking down on us, knowing we were doing this for him.
 

List of babies gone too soon, helped by March of Dimes

They had a table set-up with a display of babies names that were now in heaven while under the care of March of Dimes.  Of course Cameron wasn't listed since he did not receive their services, but they had blank sheets available for people to write their child's name on it to display along with the others.  I wrote Cameron's name...  I was the first to write a name.  For a while, it was the only one that was handwritten.  It was sad, but I was kinda thankful about it.  Thankful there wasn't as many babies that were lost... thankful as many other parents didn't feel the grief that no parent should feel... As the day went on though, many more names started being listed and pinned up.  I hope all those babies knew that people were out there that loved them... people were out there to bring awareness to the loss of babies.  And remembering them and honoring them.

I joined the March of Dimes with my work group.  They all showed up wearing the work shirts... Eric and I stayed up the night before making our own.  I wanted to make sure I wore a shirt that represented Cameron... the reason for our walk.  I wanted people to see him... to recognize him.  To know that he is loved, and he is our son.

 Eric and I

The Start...

So, the march started and we walked.  My father and Eric came along... my mom has had a broken foot, so she wasn't able to make it.  I have to say, I was getting annoyed when we first got there by my dad.  I think I took this walk so seriously because there are so few things I can do for my baby... he's not here on earth for me to do things for him like other moms can... so when things like this come along, I want to give my all to honor him.  But when we got there, it didn't seem like my dad wanted to walk all that much.  He was trying to find the closest parking spots, complaining about walking around the lot, complaining about whatever... joking about how to cut through things to make the walk shorter.  And then it seemed to catch on to Eric... And they both started joking about it.  I hated it.  I hated that they were minimizing our remembrance of my son.  I know they didn't mean harm, but for the so few things that I can do for Cameron, I hate making jokes out of them.

 My dad and I with the shirts Eric and I created

Even as walking, I started getting tired.  My ankle started hurting from an old injury... but I kept talking to myself, telling myself, I'm doing this for you, Cameron.  My tiredness and injury is nothing compared to what Cameron had to go through.  Cameron never got to walk... but I'm doing it for him.  No pain that I feel is anything compared to what Cameron has lost... his life.

I think we all felt an accomplishment seeing the finish line.  As we were crossing the finish line, I saw a lady in front of me with a shirt representing her baby she had lost... it was only two weeks prior to that.  Wow, I thought.  I don't know if I could have done this two weeks after I lost Cameron.  It was still too raw... I was still in a wallow of my own depression.  I could barely move from my bed or couch.  There wasn't a day I didn't spend crying... I thought of how brave she must have been to be out here and how proud her baby must be of knowing how much his mom loved them.  That mom was putting all her grief aside to do this walk for her baby... and it was probably the most important thing to her at that moment.  Like it was to me.

So, Cameron, know that me and your daddy and grandpa were out there for you.  We are remembering you and loving you as best we could since we can't take care of you in person.  We love you and miss you more than anything.  I hope you saw us and hope you are feeling loved and happy.

BTW, there is still time to donate to my march.  You can visit http://www.marchforbabies.org/4cameron to make a donation.  Thank you

The Dreaded Mother's Day

Two days after mothers day last year, I found out I was pregnant.  I can't believe it's been a year since I knew about Cameron.  Since I knew about a baby growing within me.

Last Mother's day, Eric and I went out to dinner with my family.  I ordered stuffed chicken, which I normally love.  I found it disgusting... I couldn't eat it.  I tasted gross and all I ate was the risotto.  I gave the rest to my brother.  After I found out I was pregnant, chicken was one of the foods I could not stand.  I hated the taste of it and couldn't get myself to even think of eating it.  Odd how even before I suspected I was pregnant, my taste buds were already changing. 

While I was pregnant, I was planning for so many things.  Already planning for his first birthday party... already wondering how my first mothers day would turn out!  So, now that day is here... and it's not at all how I imagined.

I actually forgot about Mother's day and didn't think it would have much of an effect on me.  I kept getting those e-mail ad's and saw commercials, and I somewhat thought about it, but not too deeply.  I kinda put it in the back of my mind.  Until this last week.

I was at work and heard coworkers talking about what they were doing for mothers day.  Someone asked me what I was going to do for my mom.  I didn't say much... I kinda laughed half-heartedly about something, but I could tell I started feeling uncomfortable.  The more they kept talking, the more I felt myself getting more and more anxious.  I could feel one of those pesky anxiety attacks that I have come to know coming... all of a sudden, it came.  I got up and walked outside to get a breather.  But I still couldn't stop crying...

Am I a mom?  Yes.  I still am a mom, and I hope others recognize that.  I hope that just because I don't have my son here to celebrate with me, that people still remember I had him.  I went through the pain, the labor... he was in my womb.  I protected him as best as I could.   I held him and touched him... and I love him more than anything in this world.  I would give anything for him... and isn't that what a mom is? 

So, my first mothers day I am spending as a grieving mother.  So not how I imagined.  But I am Cameron's mom and proud.  And I hope he knows how great of a mom I would have been to him.  I know I would have been the best mom... just wish he could have experienced it. 

I love you, my Cammy.

And Happy Mother's day to all the grieving mom's out there.  I wish you a gentle day...

The Realization of Mondays...

I wrote a couple of posts ago about Monday's always being hard for me.  I wasn't sure if it was just from being home all weekend and thinking about everything... and then it just went over to Monday also.  I still think that may be part of it, but after posting my issue on dailystrength.org (which is such a great resource for all Angel Mom's!), some mom's responded with their hard days.  Many stated their hard days corresponded to something significant that happened with their angel babies... whether that was when they found out something was wrong, their baby's heart stopped, the delivery date of their baby, etc. 

I don't know why I didn't realize it, but August 29th, the day that changed my life, was a Monday.  I went to work as I always did... Eric kissed my stomach as I left that morning telling the baby inside me that he loved him, as he always did.  I was at my desk at work and my cousin Elissa was e-mailing me about my baby shower plans.  I was writing down a guest list when all of a sudden my phone at my desk rang.  I saw my doctors name on the Caller ID.  I answered cheerfully and he told me hello.  His next question if I had seen an ultrasound specialist this past weekend.  That question told me something was wrong... how did he know?  Did I do something wrong?  He told me he had gotten a call from her this morning... Oh, no... and she felt there may have been some abnormalities with the baby.  This was Monday morning.

It makes sense now why Monday's are hard for me.  Especially at the same location and everything.  It's a reminder all the time.  A reminder of that morning... of me running out of there, standing in front of the office crying on the phone.  A reminder of waiting in that high risk specialist doctor's office wondering how we got there.  Believing that this was all a mistake.  Believing that 3D doctor didn't know what she was talking about.  I saw his picture on the screen... I saw his heartbeat.  He was okay!  This was all a mistake.  But no, it wasn't. 

How crazy how everything can change so quickly.... how someone's whole life can change so quickly and drastically. 

Pic from our engagement session... with blue balloon to represent our Cameron

I'm sure one day Monday's will get easier for me... I thought they had a while back, but it just creeps and creeps back up like a bulldozer.  It doesn't seem to be getting easier.  I guess that's depression.  Never thought I'd be one to be depressed... but I am.  And I'm okay with it.  I just hate that it's affecting my life so much.  I hate that I'm missing work sometimes due to this.  But again, I'm trying to be okay with it.  Everyone else there has their children at home... I'm the only one that has my baby at home, but in an urn. 

I miss you so much Cameron... I love you.

When You Lose a Baby - by Small Bird Studios

This was posted by another grieving mother several months ago.  I loved it... it was so true and so honest.  I have been meaning to repost it... so here it is, with some of my comments below... the original link is at:  http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/

When You Lose a Baby
february 5, 2012 by franchesca

You don’t know what to expect.People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
Candice:  Yes... and to be honest, I thought of all except killing myself.  Although I still wonder what the point of me being here is for.  I lost the value for my life, but wouldn't kill myself.  But I still wake up rocking my arms, trying to recreate that moment that I held Cameron in my arms.  Trying to remember his weight and how it felt.  It doesn't work.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.
Candice:  I got a few sympathy cards.  Many from friends that were too afraid to come forward right away, but felt bad afterwards.  I was still thankful for them.  I'm talking to you Apollo and Bobby.  But the few that we received... there are no cards to sympathize the loss of a child.  They are for adults.... the death of a baby just isn't meant to happen.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
Candice:  I still am getting free baby items and coupons and advertisements.  STOP!  I have everything sent to my parents house, and trust that they hopefully see the stuff and just throw it.  But I still see some things they tend to miss and it breaks my heart every time knowing I have no use for those items....

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.
Candice:  I mentioned the coupons, tons of coupons.  Baby magazines... ugh.  I remember I saw a charge in my checking account for a baby magazine while I was in the hospital waiting to deliver my Cameron... knowing he'd be born still.  I called them... I don't know how I got the courage to right then, because right now I don't think I could.  But I called and told them and they felt so sorry for me.  And told me they'd credit it right away.  I wonder how many times they had gotten a call like that.... and I actually wondered at the time if they'd believe me or ask for proof.  I had hoped they didn't and they didn't.  I remember worrying that I didn't want to submit proof, but then again, I didn't want to keep receiving those magazines in the mail... how would I resolve this?  I'm so glad they canceled without question.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.
Candice:  Guilt... all the time.  I notice all pregnant women and can't help staring... and wondering if they know what CAN happen.  Wondering if they feel safe, because they shouldn't.  Wonder if they'll be one of the four women that will have to deal with this neverending tragedy... and hoping they won't, but wondering why they are lucky and I wasn't....

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.
Candice:  Everyone...

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
Candice:  I never would have thought I WOULD NOT have needed all the baby clothes I bought.... the bibs.... never thought I would have never put use to my plans for him.  The day I found out Cameron was not going to live, I came home and put everything in a bag and took it to my parents and left it there.  I told them I didn't want to throw it away, but I couldn't keep it in my home.  I couldn't stand the reminder of things I bought for him not being put to use.  I still think of the items at my parents home... and hope to pass them down to his brothers or sisters and make sure they know that it was their brothers shirt or hat or pants, etc....

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
Candice:  And it come unexpectedly.... just like I wrote about in my last post.  I'm getting anxiety attacks.  Never used to. I stare at kids wondering if that's how Cameron would have acted or looked like... nothing is normal anymore.


The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Candice:  EVERY. SINGLE. PART.  EVERY. SINGLE. PART.  Friends.  Family.  Love.  Cooking.  Exercising.  TV.  Music.  Cleaning.  Work.  School.  Career.  God.  Clothes.  EVERYTHING.  What I thought was important wasn't and what I didn't is.

Forever.
Candice:  Neverending.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
Candice:  I'm sure Eric has been embarrassed more than once by me being in a store touching baby clothes... staring... seeing tears come to my eyes.  Thinking how that would have looked so cute on Cameron.  Thinking how I should be shopping in that department, but instead I'm trying to pull myself away from it.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.
Candice:  I was always a crier... but a crier out of anger and frustration.  My crying is now out of helplessness... out of longing... out of anguish.  Out of missing my baby.  Out of confusion... out of aching for my child.  Will it ever stop?  I can't imagine it stopping...


You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.
Candice:  Asking why?  What kind of God would do this?  What kind of God would make a mom live her life longing for her child?  Expect a mom to live aching for her baby?  And let other children suffer and get hurt by undeserving parents?  I question God.  I'm believing more than I ever have now, but I'm also questioning a lot too.  How could you take my Cameron away and hurt him so?


You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.
Candice:  I think I felt Cameron kick once... I'll never forget it.  But I felt the hard bulge in my tummy.  I saw him smiling in my tummy.  I thought of him all the time.  I loved him before I knew him... The breast milk came... that wasn't phantom.  My body was telling me this wasn't right and I was having to surpress it.  It was against nature.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.
Candice:  I don't have this feeling yet, but I think Eric does.  Eric always pictures him with very dark black curly hair.  Lots of hair.  I think my aunt Elva pictures him like this too.  I do picture him with dimples and Eric's smile.  I know he'd be laughing all the time and he'd be the happiest baby ever.  I'd guarantee that.  Oh, Cameron... I wish I could prove this to you.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.
Candice:  I never got this far... thank God.  Thank God.  I was contemplating registering at Burlington and Target and Eric and I had looked at cribs and such there... I'm so glad I didn't because I'm sure it'd be just like the magazines.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.
Candice:  It's almost eight months and I still get things from my insurance for the "new baby."  They know I had a delivery, yet don't know I didn't bring home a baby.  Things addressed to the person taking care of a new baby from Aetna.  From Medicaid.  I can't bring myself to call them to correct them... I just toss it out hoping they'll stop.


You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.
Candice:  Why should I be happy?  How can I ever truly be happy?  Yes, I know Cameron wouldn't want me to be sad, but even though I know that,  I can't help how feel.  I can't help missing him and feeling something missing from my life.


You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.
Candice:  I did not have a funeral.  I couldn't imagine doing that.  I was set on having a cremation.  I was set on bringing my baby home in anyway possible.  And the only way I could was having him cremating.  I knew I needed to see him everyday.  I couldn't trust myself to make time to go to a cemetary everyday... and what if I moved?  I need to have Cameron with me all the time... I needed to bring him home like I was supposed to.  And I did... and have him here near me at all times.  But seeing my son in the form of an urn is beyond any words I can express...

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.
Candice:  I haven't gotten to this point yet.  I haven't convinced myself that I deserve happiness at all.  In fact, I convince myself that I don't... that I don't ever deserve to be happy without my baby.  That I cannot let myself be happy without him.  I'm sure this is part of the grieving process... but right now, that is how I feel.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.
Candice:  END OF STORY.  By baby... YOUR baby.... your child... your teenager... you can't compare that to anything else.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.
Candice:  I want my family to remember Cameron.  I want my friends to remember him.  Even when I have another child, I want them to always bring him up.  I am starting to feel the imagined existence now... I feel like people are tired of bringing him up, but I'm not.  I'll never be.  Just like they don't get tired of talking about their children, I won't of mine.  I was already planning for his first birthday... planning for his first schools... making so many plans.... but I lost all those dreams for him.  They will only stay dreams.


There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.
Candice:  I don't feel awkward bringing him up.  So please don't.  I want a smile from you.  A smile showing you remember him and you recognize how much I love him.  Don't ignore my shoutout about him... I bought him up because I want to talk about him.

You lose friends. You find new ones.
Cnadice.  Yes, Yes, Yes.  I've made many great friends that know they cannot understand, but try their best to... yet they don't pretend.  And I lost many that did not understand my hurt and thought many harsh things.  I found out who should be important to me and who shouldn't.  I feel no sadness over this, only thankfulness.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.
Candice:  I never knew this happened.  Never thought it was possible.  Even if I did, I would have never thought it'd happen to me.  And yeah, I see blogs from women that this happened to many years ago and they seem happy and put together.... how so?  How long did it take them to get to that place?  Am I unsalvagable?  I feel like it...

You would do anything for another minute with your child.
Candice:  Anything, anything, anything!  I say it everyday to myself, to Cameron... to God.  I'll do anything to have him with me again.  ANYTHING!  I'd give my life for him to have a chance at life.  I'd give my life right now to be in heaven with him.  I would do anything for him.  When I feel pain now, I always think that it's nothing compared to what he felt in me.  Or what he never got to feel.  My baby.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.
Candice:  Yes... because you are remembering him and I am thankful for that.  Thank you for talking about Cameron... and recognizing how much he will always mean to me.  For recognizing him as my child.


You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
Candice:  I always want to go back, although I know nothing will ever change.  What  could I do if I ever went back in time?  Nothing, but I want to experience him again.  Anything for him.


You want to know what went wrong, and why…
Candice:  So much.  But it can't change anything.  Most of all, I want to know WHY.  WHY.  WHY?!  Unless there's a God and I meet him when I die, I don't think I'll ever figure that out.  I'll try to justify it to think that it's for me to help other moms deal with this, but then again, that makes no sense... why should this happen to anyone?  I know Cameron had down syndrome... which caused fetal hydrops and a heart defect.  Yet, I have normal chromosomes... the doc calls it a spontaneous mutation.  Very odd wording.


You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.
Candice:  I find a new appreciation for everything.  For family.  For good friends.  For pictures.  For pets.  For my future children.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.
Candice:  And right now I'm bitter.  I don't see that changing anytime soon either.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.
Candice:  EVER, EVER, EVER.  So don't tell me to heal or to feel better or anything.  I'm feeling terrible, I'm never okay, and never fine.  I accept this and oddly, want this.

You learn to live with the pain.
Candice:  I'm still working on this and not doing very well.  How do I live with losing my baby?

You are better for having known them at all.
Candice:  Cameron has made me a better person.  He's made me appreciate people more.  He's made me see who's good and bad in my life.  He's made me not judge.  He's made me a better person.  He's made me more loving.  Cameron is my angel.

Thank you, Franchesca Cox for posting this.  So heartbreakingly perfect.

Mondays

Other grieving moms out there... do Mondays seem to be worse on you than other days?  I don't know if it's because of the weekend... I don't know if the weekend just gives me too much times to think about things so waking up Monday for work is like a hangover for grief.

I've had a difficult couple of weeks... more so at work though.  I have FMLA now for when I just can't seem to pull myself out of bed... today is one of those days.  It seems one particular person at work is giving me backlash because of this.  Being rude and ignoring and not talking to me.  It's just making it miserable to be there now.  I think she's mad because I take time off sometimes and I started to feel guilty about it.  But then I realized I shouldn't.  She's the lucky one.  She's the one that still has her kids with her in this lifetime.  She has no idea what I'm going through, nor do I wish her to!  I would never wish this on anyone.  So, if she's mad that I just can't make it into work sometimes, that's her issue, not mine.  I need to take care of myself.  I need to have time to grieve for my baby.

I went to HEB this weekend, a local grocery store.  As I was walking down an aisle, I heard a baby screaming at the top of their lungs.  They sounded so precious.  But just screaming and screaming.  I think I have progressed... I think I am able to be around babies a little more.  But then again,  I don't know.  It comes and goes... like when I heard that baby crying, I felt terrible.  I wanted to run and find the baby and hold it and comfort it.  I could feel myself having another panic attack... I had to cover my ears in the middle of the aisle and just stand there breathing in and out, trying to calm myself down.  Luckily I was the only one in the aisle, because I know I'd look crazy to other shoppers!  But I felt like crying and felt so terrible for the baby... I wanted to hold it so much.

When I came back from the hospital, September 2nd, my mom and brother came and cleaned the apartment.  She bought one of those air freshener things that is battery operating and spurts out a scent every now and then.  I hadn't bought a refill until this weekend.  I came home and put it in and coincidentally, it was the same scent my mom had bought.  Wow... that one scent bought back so many memories.  I felt as if I was back in those first few raw weeks after delivering Cameron.  I remembered how my apartment smelled then... how in shock I was.... how I was being binded to stop the breast milk... how I just sat on the couch not wanting to do anything.  How I hurt so much.... physically and mentally.  That smell... they say smell is the greatest memory trigger and now I understand why.  I remember the visitors then... how it seemed like everything was going on around me so fast, and I was just there in a daze.

I'm trying to make sense of all this, but I think it's impossible.  I want to go to work to get my mind off of things, but then I just can't seem to function sometimes.  It's only been a little more than seven months... not even a year yet.  I know I'm still in the process of dealing with things, and in someways, it seems like it's more difficult now sometimes.  I guess that's grief for you... it comes and goes.  And I don't think anyone truly understands the ups and downs of this grief unless you've lost a child too... I don't think it's something that anyone is meant to understand.

Grieving Through Mosaics

Two weeks ago, Eric and I attended a program at the South Texas Blood and Tissue Center called Grieving Through Mosaics.  My counselor had given me the brochure the week prior to the event and recommended me to go.  She has recommended me to go to a lot of things that I never have... many support groups that I do want to go to, but at last minute feel uneasy about it.  I feel like it'll just get me even more sad.  I love connecting to other people online that have gone through something like this, but in person?  I don't know if I'm ready for it.

This one I was looking forward to because it seemed more of an activity than a group sitting a circle crying.  The closer the date came, I realized why they chose to make mosaics.  Mosaics is the art of putting pieces together, like a puzzle.  I could see the symbolism of what they were going to try to accomplish.

Eric and I got to the center early that Saturday morning... we sat at a table by ourselves.  As I looked around the room, I saw two tables in the front with glass plates and bowls arranged on them.  The tables we were sitting at were covered with black track bags. There was about 15 people there and it seems like most of them knew each other and Eric and I were the newbies.  The person leading it was really great though.  She was welcoming.  I have to admit, I did feel out of place for a while.  I felt that Eric and I were the youngest couple in there and I thought about how sad that was... The first group of women that introduced themselves stated they were there to grieve for the husbands... many were there for their husbands, their parents, their grandparents... but there were two couples there grieving for their sons.  Grieving for their sons, just like we were grieving for ours.

I felt okay going in there... and proud hoping that Cameron was watching us.  When she came around to our table to introduce ourselves, I told them I was there to grieve my baby boy Cameron.  She went on to the next person... and then that's when the tears came.  Quietly, but they came.  Eric held my hand.  She explained how we were to pick out some dishes from the tables and we were going to double bag them in black trash bags and go outside to the parking lot and break them.  I had my eye on a baby blue plate already and was hoping I'd get my hands on that one.

When I went to the table, I got the blue plate I wanted, but then saw another plate with a duck in the middle of it and blue around it.  Meant for a baby boy.  I took it also along with one or two other objects.  We placed the objects in the trash bags and followed everyone outside to a parking lot.  And we swung them up and down, hitting the cement, hearing the glass shatter.  Thinking of all our anger... of everything pent up.


Why is my baby gone?

Why did this have to happen to me?

Why do I have to live?

Why  Why Why???!

 I MISS HIM.  I feel that's it's cruel of God to leave me on this earth aching for my baby.  Knowing that there is no way I can get over this... that the pain is never-ending.

We went back in and emptied our bags on the table... the duck was still in tact.  That was going in the middle of my mosaic.  I spent a lot of time trying to get it perfect... it's for my Cameron.  I hate that I have to make stuff like this for him.... when I should be buying him more clothes and toys.  But instead, I'm memorializing him.

They led us through a meditation of sorts... I had a picture of my grandma holding Cameron in her arms... looking so peaceful.  Tears were running down my face... I want to be there with them.

Eric saw his grandpa holding Cameron... and Cameron had jet black hair.  I know Cameron is being loved there... and I can just imagine the joy that Mamo and Eric's grandpa feel being able to take care of Cameron.  But his own mom can't feel it.

All in all, I loved this mosaic process... I love the putting back together the broken pieces... although it made it so clear to me that I will never be put back together... I'm forever broken.

Broken pieces trying to mend