Sunday, December 1, 2013

He's Here!

My rainbow has arrived.  Ethan Paul.

I won't lie.  The pregnancy was not easy.  I was in pain from week 15 and showing!  And the pain just progressed.  On top of that, I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which it turned out wasn't that bad.  But the worst part of the pregnancy was the anxiety.  I was so scared that he wouldn't arrive alive.  I bought a doppler, which was a lifesaver to me in the beginning.  Even at the end.  But I was constantly on edge that his heart would stop beating.  I didn't feel assured until I held him in my arms and saw him alive.

I think I actually told my husband when I held him in the delivery room, "He's alive!"

I look at him and am overwhelmed by him.  I can't stop looking at him.  He's beautiful and he's mine and he made it.

I think of his brother Cameron and wonder if he has some of him in him... he has to, right?  I wonder if he knows Cameron... if Cameron told him about me and his dad.  And then I realize there is too a guilt.  A guilt that I feel this strongly about another baby when I don't have my Cameron here.  But I know Cameron would want this.  I love Cameron so much and miss him more than anything.  But when I look at Ethan, I can see parts of Cameron in him... I think of Cameron's hands and feet and compare them.  And it's corny to say, but I become very emotional thinking of him growing up and losing his innocence!  He's so perfect right now and knows nothing of the evils of the world.  And he's growing so quickly... Not even two weeks old yet, but changed so much.

I'm happy he's here.  Happy to be his mommy.  And happy that Cameron has a little brother.