Wednesday, December 28, 2011

THANK YOU

A huge thank you to those that did kind things in Cameron's name... you'll never know how much it means to me. I loved that Cameron's stocking was full to the brim of cards and notes, to the point where it was hard to stuff some things in it.  I know Cameron appreciated it, as did I.  Things like that show me who is really there for me and who really cares a lot.  So, thank you to my parents, my brothers, Yolanda, Breanna, Adrienne, Aunt Mary, Stephanie, Uncle Robert, Elissa, and Elva.  It was absolutely beautiful reading how others were made happy in my baby's name.



Christmas wasn't as sad as I thought it'd be. But I think it helped because some of my family came over, like my cousin and her daughter, Chelsey. Otherwise, I think it would have been depressing. We hadn't had a family celebration in several years.... but they knew I needed it now and I was able to open the gifts of kindness for Cameron... everyone was supportive and Cameron was not forgotten at my parents house at all. It was something I really enjoyed that I hope we continue to keep doing.

These last two days have been a little sad for me... but a different kind of sadness. I felt it yesterday at work... and then I went to lunch and considering just going home from there because I just felt a heaviness within me. It's a different kind of sadness because I'm not outwardly crying a ton like I had previously been. Although I did shed a tear or two at work yesterday. Luckily, my coworkers understand. I have been trying to find another position within my company and interviewed last week, but I feel that my attendance will be an issue and not allow me to get the position. I just feel I need a change... I like my job now and love my boss here, but I think that because everything happened in this same unit with the same people and everything, that makes it more difficult for me. I need a complete change to kind of start over...

But I woke up today and took a shower getting ready for work and I still feel sad. I'm not crying though, but I feel like I can't smile and just want to go to bed. It's like I just want to sleep and sleep instead of doing anything. I looked at Cameron's pictures and touched his footprints... he was so beautiful. And then I think of right now I would have been huge... I would have been due next weekend. Instead of a blow-up mattress in the next room, there would have been a crib there with a rocking chair and dresser full of his tiny clothes. And a bassinette right next to me right now... but instead there's a messy room, with a desk full of papers and a blow-up mattress in the middle of the room. And next to me is my dresser with dirty clothes on the floor. It shouldn't have been like this. I was supposed to by a crib and be anticipating my baby's arrival. He arrived, but not how any parent wants.

So, is it progress that I'm not crying a ton like I did before? That instead I'm just feeling the sadness? I don't know... I want to smile... I want to be happy and instead I can't. Instead I feel that something is missing.... I feel a permanent frown on my face.... I feel my heart hurting. It literally hurts. I smile to others, but it's always just an act now... I don't feel smiley.... it's more of a habit. Maybe I'm not crying because of the Prozac the doctor has me on? I don't know.... I think it's better that I'm not. But I still feel sad... so, it's almost like it's hidden now. The tears gave some outward indication of how I felt inside, but now there's none, but I still feel the same.

I know it sounds like a broken record, but I miss my son. I miss my baby. I want him here with me. I want to hold him and kiss him and feel his tiny hands and feet again. All you parents out there, do not take your baby for granted.... the simplest things such as just touching their fingers are something that I only got to do once.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Hanging an Angel

Remember that angel I met on my post Angels Everywhere.  I met her again.

She remembered to invite me to the hanging of angel ceremony she told me about at the funeral home.  I was hoping she didn’t forget.  She provided me so much comfort at that time… she was the first person I had met, in person, that had gone through what I did.  I had been waiting for the invitation in the mail and when I saw it, I was so excited for the opportunity to go.  I knew I wanted to get her something too and I was hoping to get her something with her daughter, Erika's, name on it.  I got the invitation too late to custom make anything, but I was able to find a beautiful cross at a Christian store that had a glass that resembled a tear in the middle of it.  I don’t remember what the cross had exactly inscribed on it, but it was perfect.  It said something like, "A thousand tears remind me that you're still here."  Something like that.

Eric and I were rushing to get there on time… I wish I hadn't rushed.  When I finally got there, I felt like I wasn't able to fully appreciate what was going on because I was so jumbled.  But we walked in and the first person I saw was her.  She smiled and said, "Candice! I was hoping you'd remember.  I did."  She hugged me.  Of course I remembered.  I remembered how much her daughter still meant to her after 31 years.  How she still visits her resting place.  How she had tears in her eyes from thinking of her daughter.  How I felt knowing that Cameron will still be my son and still be my baby 31 years from now. 

I handed her the bag with her gift in it, along with one of Cameron's bookmarks.  She said I didn't have to, but I responded with I wanted to.  She led me to the paper angels they had where we could write our message to Cameron and hang it on a beautiful tree at the end of the aisle in the room.  My parents were already sitting in the pews.  I wrote my message to Cameron:



Everyone in the room gathered around the tree and said a prayer and some hymns.  Eric pointed out a red ornament that had Cameron's name written on it in permanent marker.  How nice, I thought… how sweet.  My mom tapped me from behind and told me that she did that. 



Then there were more… my mom tapped me again and showed me the one she wrote to him and the one my dad wrote and the one my little brother, Andrew, wrote…



Gosh… how did it come to this?  How are we here praying for my baby, but he's not here?  How could he be gone from me?  It makes me happy seeing how my parents write Grandma or Grandpa… yes, he was your grandchild.  And this is not how we should be loving him… we should be treasuring him in person… we should be hearing him cry and all holding him and staring at him.  Not memorializing him.  I looked at the other ornaments on the tree… many were for mom's and dad's and grandma's and grandpa's.  And then there was Cameron's… a baby.  And Erika's… a baby.  Those did not fit in there with the grandma's and grandpa's.  They were just babies.  They had a life to live.  They had parents that loved them and wanted them and cry for them and hurt for them.  But instead, they're not with their parents… they're somewhere we can't see or hold them.



Cameron has a lot of love.  He would have been the most treasured baby in the world.  I really hope I can see him one day.  I miss him more than words can express… my heart is always hurting.  Heal?  Not possible.

Michelle Dugger lost her baby… she was about the same length I was.  She named her daughter Jubilee.  They kept calling it a miscarriage and it wasn't.  I looked at the comments on some news website, just to see if some people corrected them… and that was such a mistake.  People are so cruel and evil.  This was her baby.  How dare someone judge until you've been through it yourself.  And then TMZ posted pictures of her daughter… and they mocked it.  Saying how disgusting that was and weird to take a picture of your dead fetus or something… wow.  I had to read the comments and people are just so ignorant and disgusting.  There were some that came to their defense.  This was her child!!!  This was her baby!  She was a part of this family!  They have a right to take pictures of their daughter.  That is the only way they will be able to see her again.  So, shame on people that judge someone that has gone through probably the most traumatic experience of their life… And shame on TMZ for posting them without their permission.  I just needed to get that out there because I felt terrible for her.  Yes, she has 19 kids, but that is still her child and one they were looking forward to and celebrating.  She now has 20 children.  I hope people acknowledge that.

I find the one thing that I crave all the time is for people to acknowledge Cameron.  Acknowledge he was my baby, I'm a mom, and he is loved.  He will always be a part of my family and I want to shout that from the rooftop to everyone!  He's my first born boy and I love him more than anything in this world.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Such a Short Time, Such a Long Road

That lyric from I Will Carry You stands out to me so much, along with so many other lyrics in that song.  It was such a short time... I had five months, one week, and four days that I had with my angel, Cameron.  Yet, it's such a long road ahead.  The road doesn't seem to be getting easier either.  It's a rocky road... that seemed to be manageable a few weeks ago, but now it's gotten to the jagged parts.

I went to work yesterday, but it was hard.  I found myself crying several times at my desk and trying to keep it discreet.  I have the most amazing manager though... and I feel very lucky to be working in this unit at this company.  I don't know if I would have had this support anywhere else... well, I know I wouldn't have had this at Travelers.  Although I loved that company, I know there would be no understanding there.  I woke up this morning, yearning to go to work since I hate missing, but I couldn't.  I just kept replaying all the events that happened up until September 1, 2011... how I was paranoid the whole pregnancy.  Before every doctor visit, I was always nervous they wouldn't hear a heartbeat, although I had no reason to be.  But I was.  And Eric would always reassure me that there would be one... and there was August 29th, but it wasn't a strong heartbeat.  And on August 31st, there was none.

I remembered how I read tons of pregnancy books and all those books reassured me my fears of something happening were just that... fears.  That after 12 weeks, I was pretty much in the safe zone and less than 1% of pregnancies turn out badly... and it somewhat worked... I was reassured, but I still didn't feel right.  I kept worrying I wouldn't hear that heartbeat on my next visit.  And who knew I'd be part of that 1%?  I think it's a lot more than 1% now that I'm part of this awful elite groups of moms.  There are too many out there.

Then those dreams of my baby being a puppy... people said all pregnant women have those dreams, but these were more... more than I realized at that moment.  One dream I actually asked the doctor why they couldn't tell something was wrong from the ultrasound.  Was my baby trying to tell me something?  Eric even said that I was talking in my sleep at the hospital asking where my puppy was... where my baby was.

There's been coincidences today... I stayed home and cried and slept... when I awoke, I was sending Eric and e-mail from my phone.  I was writing him, "I feel very depressed today."  But the auto-text changed my words, as it always does... but it changed the word 'today' to 'firstborn.'  I was shocked when I saw that.  I left it there and entered down to tell Eric what I was trying to say... but wow.  Maybe that was Cameron telling me he was there with me right now... he is my firstborn. 

I called my Aunt Elva and she told me she had a dream that my grandpa, her dad, was sitting in a huge upholstered chair with something on his lap.  She realized it was a baby and asked him what he was holding.  She said he just had a huge grin on his face and she realized it was Cameron!  Cameron's hair was all tussled, but she said she felt peace after that.  She said she also remembered that he used to shop for upholstery at a shop called Cameron's something... and still has a receipt from there with his signature!  Wow! 

The counselor recommended me getting on antidepressants, but I don't know if that is the right solution.  Would that just be delaying the pain for later to come?  I don't want to numb myself... I lost my baby and that is very real. 

For now, Cameron, keep showing me signs... I know you are.  I know that when you turned that word to firstborn, that was you showing me you were with me.  I know that when Priscilla touched your pendant on my neck, that was her acknowledging you were here.  I want to see you in my dreams... I want to hold you again and hug you and kiss you.  I'm eagerly waiting for that time that I can see you.  I love you.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Carried Him

I sit here on the bed, my second call-in of the week to work.  I didn't want to call in... I hadn't planned on calling in the last two days, but these feelings of despair have seemed to slowly creep up on me as if I had just lost Cameron all over again.  Why?  I felt this pain already... I know what it feels like to have no hope and no desire for life, so why make me feel like this again?

I felt like I was having more good days than bad days.  I would still think of Cameron every minute of every day and wish for him to be here, but I was able to handle the grief that came.  I woke up yesterday and felt heaviness in my heart.  I looked at his urn that I keep on my dresser while I sleep and held my arms as if I was holding him, wishing to remember how that felt, how he felt. I stayed home yesterday and cried a lot, aching for my baby.  I can usually talk about him freely now, without crying.  But yesterday, Eric's mom came over and the tears just came as we talked about him.  As they did this last Saturday also... I mentioned him to a stranger and without even realizing it, tears just flowed. 

I started reading this book called, I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  This mom was told at about 18 weeks that her daughter Audrey would not live, but she chose to carry her in hopes God would heal her.  Her diagnosis changed throughout the pregnancy, showing her God at work, and she was able to have a C-section and spent a few hours with Audrey.  Audrey still did not survive, but out of that came this amazing book and even more amazing song.


I truly recommend it.  I so wish I knew about this song earlier.  I want to thank Angie so much for writing this and helping create this song.  No one can understand what we go through as moms that lost their babies, except those that have already gone through it.  So many things struck me by this book... how she had a perfectly good pregnancy, just like me, but always felt something was wrong... just something was off, even though everything was happening as it should be.  I felt that... but I just thought it was me worrying... she says that maybe God was trying to prepare her for what was to come.  It was shock when she was told something was wrong since the pregnancy was great... as it was with me. 

I decided I want to get into counseling to help other mom's that have gone through this.  I found it so difficult to find a counselor that specialized in grief like this... and the two I found in San Antonio were booked completely.  My mom mentioned to me that maybe this is the overall picture... maybe I was chosen to help others because God knew I could.  I felt like this about this author, Angie Smith.  And I think she mentioned in the book too... but what a thing to be chosen for.  This is something that I did not want to be chosen for.

I feel in such despair right now... I feel like it just happened.  And I feel like I'm so cynical now... I see people pregnant and the first thing I think in my mind is, "Good luck..."  Or if they're already planning things and about five or six months, or really any month, I'm already thinking in my mind, "Oh, they don't even know what can happen... they think they're safe."  Gosh... why??

I don't know why I'm feeling so bad these last couple of days... maybe because of the holidays?  Maybe because Cameron was supposed to be here in about a month?  I should've been prepping for him and been huge and been feeling him kick.  Instead I'm staring at his urn, wishing things could change, but knowing they can't.

 

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

[Chorus]



Friday, December 2, 2011

Cameron's Stocking


Hi, Everyone,

As everyone knows, Eric and I lost our baby boy Cameron on September 1, 2011.  His original due date was January 8th, 2012, but he came four months early, without a breath.  I knew these upcoming holidays were going to be hard on me because I would be without Cameron in my tummy or in life.  This would have been Cameron's first Christmas… and our first Christmas to celebrate a brand new baby in our immediate family.  Eric and my first baby. 

I still want to be able to honor him and do something for him.  Although I can't shower him with gifts in the physical world, I know he is watching down on us and I want him to know that all of us our thinking of him. 

So, I am asking all my friends and family to please give Cameron a Christmas gift of kindness.  In memory of him, try to do a random act of kindness to someone.  And when you do, please write down what you did and send it to me by e-mail or mail or however you'd like.  Without reading them, I'll print them all out and put them in his stocking and open them on Christmas day.  This way Cameron could have a Christmas gift, as well.  I'd like to spread the heart of Cameron around and do good deeds in his name.  I want to make other people happy in his name.

So, please join us in spreading some cheer around in Cameron's memory.  I still think about him every single minute of ever single day and can't imagine that changing... he is my little boy.  It doesn't have to be a huge random thing, any small spread of joy will make a huge difference.  You never realize how much a small act of kindness can bring a smile to someone's face when it may only take a second of your time.  And to have a purpose behind it, which is Cameron, will mean the world to us.  I've attached some ideas just to get the wheels turning.  

I look forward to stuffing Cameron's stocking with all your good deeds!  

Love,

Cameron's Mom



Thursday, December 1, 2011

One Quarter

Three months have gone by today.  In fact, at about this time three months ago, my baby Cameron was just being taken away from me and I would have seen him for the last time...

I never thought I would have been in this situation when I found out I was pregnant in May.  I never thought I'd be here, December 1, 2012, without my baby here physically.  I would have only had about a month left... but instead, three months ago he was born.  He was born without a breath...

Thanksgiving was odd this year... I kept wondering, what should I be thankful for?  How could I be thankful for anything when my baby was gone?  But I was thankful that I at least got to hold him and see how beautiful he was.  I got to touch his tiny hands and feet, and got to have a plaque to memorialize them.

I'm thankful for my family... for helping me and being there for me whenever I needed them.  For coming by almost every night when everything first happened... it was hard for Eric and I to be alone.  We shouldn't have been alone, we should have had a crying baby with us.

There are so many things that have happened "coincidentally."  I'm thankful that I chose to go to that 3D place to get his picture... that they didn't get a good picture so I had to go two weeks later, which put a red flag something was wrong.  Had I had a good picture the first time, I would have never gone back for the rescan and there would have been no indication anything was wrong.  And I would have waited till my next doctors appointment September 2nd, and by then his heart had stopped.  So, I'm so thankful that I went August 27th, because that prompted my emergency visit August 29th where I was able to see my baby alive for the very last time.  August 30th his heart stopped and September 1st, he was born.  All so fast and so sudden.

I never expected my life to change so drastically and so fast.

We booked our wedding venue today at the Crowne Plaza downtown... we planned to sign at the Doubletree two nights ago, but because of a contract change we did not sign there.  But because of that, we found the most beautiful venue and were able to sign for the venue exactly three months after Cameron was born, almost about the same time he was born... 6:13 PM.  On the way to the venue today also, my dad and I passed a street named Cameron, only about two blocks away.  My baby is happy to see his parents marry.  And I hope he is watching down smiling and making all these "coincidences" happen.

Also, for the first time since the first 3D ultrasound, I saw his DVD... this was the first time I felt I could watch it.  I cried and cried... I want him here with me.  I want to hold him and kiss him.  And I just really hope that he can see me.  I know people always say that he's with me, but I really hope that is true.  I hope he knows that I think about him every single day... every single minute.  And I miss him more than anything in the world... and I'd give anything to have him back with me.  I love you, Cameron.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

This used to be to me.  I absolutely LOVE Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I love the food and family of Thanksgiving and I LOVE picking out the perfect gift and wrapping and seeing someones reaction.  I love the decorating of the tree and hanging on the stockings and the warm feeling that the whole season brings.  And this year, I was especially looking forward to it because I was pregnant!  I was due on January 8th, but I had a feeling I would be having him around Christmas, or even hoping New Year's Eve since that was my grandma's birthday.  I thought I would be huge by now and I would be getting baby gifts and prepping for my baby's arrival.  Instead, I'm home from work right now because I keep thinking of holding my one pound, lifeless baby in my arms and coming home from the hospital refusing to get out of the car, crying, because I wasn't supposed to come home without him.  It wasn't right.  It still isn't right. 



Eric has two nephews and a new baby niece... I'm wondering if I'll have to go to Christmas with them and see all the little boys open their gifts and see the baby dressed up in her Christmas outfit.  While I'm without my precious baby.  I just can't imagine being in my situation right now.  This year, Christmas was supposed to be a wonderful time for me this year!  I should have been anticipating the birth of my angel, but instead, I'm mourning the loss of him. 

My manager at work is also expecting a baby soon... his wife and I were almost about the same timeline.  He's been wonderful though.  Somehow, he understands what I'm going through and told me that he will work with me for whatever time I needed off and if I just didn't feel like coming in one day, like I just couldn't do it, it was okay.  I was thankful to have someone like that, but was hoping to never take one of those "sad" days since I had taken off so much already.  That was up until today.  Today, I felt like I woke up okay and then as I was walking out the door, I just started feeling terrible.  I just kept thinking of my poor baby... and how he wasn't here and how that just wasn't right.  I miss him so much. 

On another note, I found out what happened to Cameron.   I got a call at work and saw that it was my doctor on the caller ID.  I panicked.  The last time I saw him, he had told me not to expect anymore calls from him UNLESS a test out of the 100 tests they gave me came out positive, which they didn't expect to happen.  Well, here was the call.  I nervously answered the phone and he told me that he wanted to go over some test results that he thought explained what happened to my baby.  He had something called Tricomy 21... it was Down Syndrome.  But really severe and it affected his heart, which lead to the Hydrops.  I tested normal chromosomes, so they don't expect this to happen again, but I will be high risk from now on.  Why?  How could this have happened?  I almost felt better not knowing why this happened.  Because then it was just a fluke and it just happened.  But now knowing, I feel even more helpless because there was nothing I could do or could have done.  I wish I could have some control over it... I wish it was my fault or something I did.  Is that weird? 

So, here I am at home now... when I should be at work.  But I'm here, crying by myself and writing on my blog.  This blog has actually helped me quite a bit... connecting with other mom's that have lost their babies. 

I just wish I could skip Christmas or the holiday's n general.  What reason do I have to celebrate? 

I have been toying with ideas of something to do for Cameron for Christmas.  One idea I had was to kinda of adopt a baby in need for Christmas and by the baby gifts that I would have for Cameron.  Another one that I saw some other mom had done was to have a stocking for Cameron, which I will anyway, but to have family and friends to random acts of kindness and write them on papers and put them in his stocking.  Then on Christmas, I'd be able to open those and see all the nice things that people did in Cameron's name.  Seems like a sweet way to honor Cameron...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Cameron's Parents

Eric's asked me to marry him.  He's asked me before, but I had always said no... I didn't want to marry while I was pregnant.  But going through a tragedy makes me reevaluate a lot of things.  And I realized how great of a partner Eric really is.  I actually think I am lucky to have had a partner like Eric to go through this with... he's been an awesome partner through this and has been extremely supportive.  So, I've said yes.



The ring is beautiful, sort of antique looking.  And it has a matching band.  We went out to eat at his local Italian restaurant named Little Italy to celebrate and I had told Eric that I hoped that Cameron was watching us and was happy to know that his parents were going to be devoting each other to themselves for the rest of our lives.  We ate and had a wonderful dinner and sat in the corner seat booth of the restaurant.  The waiter even gave us a slice of Italian Wedding Cake that was absolutely devine. As we got up to leave, I noticed the entire time there was a statue of a baby angel behind us the whole time!  Wow!  That spoke so much to me.  I felt like this was a small way (or maybe a big way!) of Cameron telling us that he was there to celebrate with us.  He was in the middle of our dinner the whole time without me even noticing... yet, always thinking of him.

The baby angel behind us at dinner

I started off wanting a small, intimate wedding with only my immediate family... but it's growing and growing now.  I just felt that after all this, nothing really matters to me anymore.  All the things that used to be important to me aren't anymore.  What is important to me is my family, Cameron, and my future children.  After Cameron, I wanted to try for another child as soon as possible, which I hear is pretty normal for someone that has gone through something like this.  Have a "rainbow baby," as they're called.  The rainbow after the storm.  I want my rainbow.
But I would like to be married before I have another child too.  So, there lies the dilemma.  I want to try as soon as possible for my rainbow... which per the doc, will be after six months, which is in March.  So, I'd like to get married by March so I could start trying right away... but that's so soon!  So, we were thinking next October... which I thought was fine, but I'm still stuck with the dilemma of wanting to get pregnant again by March and then I'd be unmarried... again.  I don't want to be pregnant at my wedding.  But at this point, I don't know.  I'd also like to lose weight for my wedding pictures.  So, today, Eric and I have decided to try for the end of March wedding and lose as much weight as possible until then... that's today though.  It may change!

In other news, I saw the counselor for the first time this past week.  It was good and she seemed to understand.  I talked about the insensitivity of some people and how I feel sometimes.  How I can be great throughout the day, but then suddenly feel an emptiness and sadness within myself.  How can I explain this except to know that it's because I'm missing the most precious part of myself?  

I miss my Cameron... I miss my baby and wish I could hold him.  This whole event has changed my outlook on EVERYTHING in my life... my family, friends, career goals, education, everything... more on that later...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ups and Downs

Getting back to work put me back in a routine... and back into the interaction with other people.  It's good.  I'm smiling a lot and laughing... I think it helps that I was a smiler and laugher in the first place, so it comes naturally.  Although, I think it may be working against me now also.  I almost feel like I'm acting now... but not consciencely.  Last week was hard at work, but it was still new.  This week I'm back in the routine and actually felt like maybe I was finally getting to the "new normal" that I keep reading about.  There's actually times where I feel okay... and I wonder if those times that other mom's talk about would come to me.  Where they just feel down and start crying for no reason.

Well, those times have.  The last two days... I feel like I'm usually okay in the morning at work.  I think up until maybe two or three o'clock.  Once that time comes around, I feel a sudden sadness.  It's hard to explain, but an emptiness and heaviness within myself.  I felt like this last night and came home and cried a bit to Eric.  But today it it even harder.  I had been feeling that dreading feeling in me again... feeling that heaviness and emptiness that I'm missing something... which just leads to a deeper sadness.  But I was still going through the day and still working.  I was at my lead, Scarlett's, desk talking to her and she made a small joke, but I was already on the verge of crying at that point.  It wasn't the joke that made me cry at all. I really wasn't... but all of a sudden, tears just formed and wouldn't stop again.  I felt terrible.  I know she did too and I felt bad about that.  I just felt so overwhelmingly sad.  She told me that if I needed anything, to ask her and asked me what she could do to make things better or something like that.  I think I replied, or at least I know I thought it, something like, "You can't make things better... no one can."

No one can make things better.  Isn't that crazy?  There are so few things, if any, in life that are not able to be fixed.  I remember when I was 17 and broke up with my first boyfriend and thought the world would end... I thought I'd never get over it.  Little did I know what pain really was.  Losing your baby... your child... your hopes and dreams... your heart.  That is something you can never get over.  That is something you can never stop thinking about.  And yeah, you can get back to that "new normal" of living without your child, but the pain will never go away.  It may hide, but it's sure to reappear sometime.

I actually thought that maybe I'd be one of the mom's that this pain didn't creep up upon and come back... I was wrong.  I was actually going to cancel the appointment with the counselor on Monday... but I'm keeping it now.

I miss Cameron.  I miss my baby so much.  I want to hold him again... I wanna look at him again.  I came home crying... Eric was here already and I walked in and went straight to Cameron's table and plaque of his prints and touched them.  I then walked to Eric and he hugged me and I just cried.  I couldn't stop... just cried in his arm with my purse still on my shoulder and started almost that wailing crying again that I had soon after his death.  I WANT MY BABY!  I WANT HIM BACK!  I MISS MY CAMERON!  This isn't fair.  Not fair at all....

How can I be so fine a few days and then have days like this of utter despair?

I asked Eric last night... is this really how my life is going to be for the rest of my life?  Am I always going to have bad days?  Am I never going to be completely happy?

I mean, really, how can I ever be completely happy when I'm no longer whole?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Back to the Daily Grind...

I have just completed my first week back at work, and it was a whirlwind.  It was harder than I thought at first, but as the weekend went on, it got easier and easier.  I was hoping that everyone knew about what happened so I didn't get those awkward comments or have to explain everything, and most everyone did.  What I didn't expect was all the "I'm Sorry" stares and people talking gently to me.  As much as I wanted them to acknowledge what happened, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.  I wanted people to be sorry the event happened, but ask about Cameron and be happy I got to see my baby.

Well, here it goes... Monday, I walked in and felt nervous and scared, but I thought I'd be okay.  I thought I'd go to my desk and maybe get a hug or two and that's it.  I didn't expect to be overcome with emotions as soon as I got to my desk.  I got there and saw my co-worker, Keimesha, and just broke down.  I don't know what happened, but I felt so odd and felt like I wanted to run out of there.  It was weird being back at work and being in that environment... and coming back not pregnant anymore and without a baby to take care of.  It should have been one or the other.  Well, Keimesha seemed like she understood and smiled and told me it was okay and just kept talking, which was perfect.  As people trinkled in, everyone said they were happy to have me back and things like that.  But every single person I talked to, I couldn't help but cry.  It was inevitable to talk about it, and if they didn't, I felt like I had to bring it up, because how could you not?  Plus, I still had a baby... I needed to acknowledge him.

Tuesday I went in knowing it was going to be a little easier... everyone had already gotten over the inital sorry's and whatnot... but there was one co-worker that was just coming back.  She is this older lady and when she saw my cat on the background paper, I mentioned she had also passed this weekend and she was like, "Wow!  That's like boom, boom!  You must be jinxed!"  And just started laughing. I didn't... I just kinda smiled and said yeah... even though I thought this was so rude and so inconsiderate!  I'm jinxed because I lost my precious baby... yeah, sure seems like it.  There was a point Tuesday where I just felt so much sadness... just overcome with sadness and just sat at my desk with tears running down my face... and starting and just thinking.  I bought over Cameron's plaster of foot and handprints today so others could see them and know that he was a real baby.  Everyone loved them... weird that this is really the only tangible evidence I have of him... and sad.

Wednesday, I thought I felt a big better about going.  But we had an Employee of the Quarter meeting at about 3:30 PM.  Keimesha was getting her five year award, so I was going to go just to see her get it.  She had been really supportive with my transition coming back, so I wanted to support her. Yet, almost as soon as the meeting starts, they start announcing the "New Arrivals" and giving congratulations to the new parents that had a baby this last quarter.  I tried to remain calm and just kinda looked around... but then started thinking that they couldn't acknowledge Cameron.  Why not?  He was as much a baby as those babies.  And ya know, maybe I wouldn't have wanted them to announce him, but they all get a little gift from the company, why couldn't Cameron get something?  I love getting presents for him because that just adds to the little memories he has.  If he had been healthy, he would have gotten a gift.  Why is he being treated like he didn't exist?  I kept thinking and thinking about this and then all of a sudden tears just started rolling down... I left quickly.

When I got back to my desk, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. My manager stopped by my desk and without her even knowing I was crying, put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if it was hard.  I turned around and just nodded.  She said she was across the room and as soon as they started doing the new arrivals, she thought of me and felt so terrible... she looked across the room at me and was watching me when I walked out.  She knew it had to be hard.  It was... I just cried and cried.  Why couldn't Cameron get his baby gift too?  Why couldn't anyone acknowledge that I had a baby?

Thursday the day was going okay... but it seemed every time I saw a new co-worker that I hadn't seen up to that point yet, I was overcome with nervousness and anxiety.  I didn't know how they'd react and I wanted to cry instantly.  What was wrong with me?!  Well, this morning I was in the break room making oatmeal when a co-worker I hadn't seen up to that point came to me and was like, "Hey!  How are you and the baby?"  Very cheerfully.  I was dreading this moment, and didn't know how to react.  I kinda fumbled and asked, "Oh... you haven't heard, right?"  And I proceeded to tell her what happened... while tears coming down my face.  I'm sure she felt terrible.  Later that afternoon, I had a meeting with a quality person and afterwards she was telling me about her sister that went through the same thing years ago.  When I told her that I was learning to find God and such after she kept saying how close to God she was, she replied with, "Well, you know never know... maybe this is God telling you watch out.  And this is what happens when you don't have faith."  I was in shock!  I didn't say anything and just smiled and that was it... but it upset me quite a bit.  I went back to my desk and confided in Keimesha, as I had been doing all week..

I woke up Friday with a renewed view and energy around me.  I felt okay for the first time since all this happened.  And I felt upbeat.  Was I doing okay?  I actually went through most of the day without crying.  Even when a co-worker Melissa read Cameron's memorial program and bookmark and started crying, I didn't.  I didn't even cry when I explained to her what happened.  Wow... I didn't cry.  Is this a new step?  I did cry a little bit toward the end of the day, but overall, everything felt okay...

Cameron's Bookmarks


So, I got through my first week.  And I'm glad I'm back in a routine.  But I still can't get over that this happened.  I miss my baby... I miss Cameron.  It's still unbelievable that this happened.  It's unbelievable that I gave birth to my baby already and held his lifeless body in my arms.  It wasn't supposed to be like this at all.

I had a talk with my manager Irene at the end of the day Friday and although she has never gone through any of this, I think she said some of the most "right" things that anyone has told me so far.  Almost like she understood.  She acknowledged that he was my baby... he was mine.  That it didn't matter whether he had lived 15 years or just the 21 weeks I had with him, he was my baby... the pain would have felt the same.  She said people don't understand that as mom's, we bond with our babies in our womb... they're ours and we care for them.  And she actually predicted the oh so ever popular comment that all angel mommy's seem to get... you can have another child.  I was like, yes!  Everyone says that!  And she said she knew they would and she was surprised that other women would say that since they should know how it felt to have a child and that bond so instantly.  She knew that I could never replace him... he was my baby... my first born and will never be forgotten.  And I will not let him die for no reason.  I will make something out of this and keep his memory alive.

I love you, Cameron.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Seeing Through Windows...

I never used to dream, but started once my grandma passed away in 2004.  After Mamo passed away, I'd have such vivid dreams of her hugging me or holding my hand and I'd actually feel it in the dream and when I woke up.  It was amazing and comforting.  It never made me sad... I felt at peace in the dreams and loved that I was able to feel her hug me again since I missed her so much.

I have always been skeptical about things like this and about spirits coming to you... but after those dreams, I was more open to it.  They felt so incredibly real!   Maybe Mamo was really coming to me since she knew how much I missed her.  If anything, this would be the only way she'd be able to come to me.

My Grandpa, Aunt Elva, and Mamo

After this whole tragedy and feeling the need to hold my precious baby, I was so hoping to dream of Cameron... but I still haven't. The closest I've had was when I dreamt that Puffins was cuddling with his stuffed dinosaur. 

I've heard that dreams are the windows to the soul.  And now, even more than ever, I'm hoping that Cameron was talking to me in my dreams.  I don't know if this will sound crazy to others or what, but I'm grasping.

There were no complications throughout my pregnancy.  Everything seemed to be going right on track and I felt good about it.  I had one dream that I was breastfeeding a puppy with extremely sharp teeth, but I kept trying to breastfeed him because he was my baby.  I laughed about this and told others about it.  I had heard about those crazy dreams that pregnant women have.  Then about a week or two before this whole fiasco happened, I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby and he looked like a real baby, but I knew he wasn't.  I knew he was a puppy even though he looked like a baby.  And in that dream, I kept asking the doctors, 'Couldn't you tell from the ultrasound?  How could you not tell something was wrong or different?'  And then they explained to me that puppies and human babies sometimes look the same in ultrasounds and it's hard to tell.

Then, that particular dream didn't mean anything to me... I just thought it was part of those crazy dreams.  But once I found out on August 29 that something was wrong, that dream meant so much more to me.  Was my body telling me something was wrong and was it manifesting it in my dream?  Was Cameron trying to tell me something was wrong?  Did I subconsciously know something was wrong even though everything was going great throughout my pregnancy?

 Cameron, August 8, 2011... my mom noticed this 
picture looks like he has angel wings already...

August 29th was a Monday.  Tuesday night I told Eric I thought he left... I thought his heart stopped beating.  In the middle of the night, I woke up scared.  I told Eric that I felt like my baby was mad at me... I disappointed him... I couldn't protect him and save him and I felt like he was staring at me, mad.  I know this was probably just my mind, but I felt so terrible then... and so guilty.

The first night in the hospital, they gave me Ambien to go to sleep.  I kept having to go to the restroom and kept waking up Eric to help me.  Everything was extremely groggy that night because of the medication, but Eric said as I was walking to the restroom, I started mumbling things like, "Where is my baby?  Where is my puppy?  I want my puppy dog back... I want my baby."  Even through the dreams, I never thought of my baby as a puppy, but I guess my mind was already associating it...

The night I had Cameron, September 1st, I couldn't sleep at all.  Eric knocked out, but when I tried waking him up in the middle of the night, he woke up extremely startled and was looking all around the room.  He didn't tell me anything then until we went home, but he said he swore he saw Cameron standing next to him looking at me.  I felt he thought he saw something... he thinks it was a dream, but he said Cameron was smiling.  And the next day when we came home, I was closing my eyes and Eric was holding my hand and I swore I felt a tiny hand squeeze mine and quickly opened my eyes... but it was Eric's hand.  I couldn't help but wonder.... or maybe just wish... that maybe that was Cameron... I could hope.

Well, that's kinda of been it, until recently.  My Aunt Elva had a dream last weekend that completely touched me.  I keep wanting to do things for baby Cameron... I can't take care of him and I want to so much.  I wanted to hold him and feed him and rock him and I couldn't... but I still had those needs.  I think that's why I needed to do the programs and bookmarks for him and am feeling good putting together his scrapbook... it's the only things I can do for him since he's not here.  Well, Elva had a dream that Cameron was in a bassinet in a room and we were all around bustling... trying to take care of him and get things ready for him.  But there was a huge mass over him... kind of like a bubble and she felt it was a man.  

She said she felt scared, but comforted at the same time.  But it grew in size and then shrunk to our size, but it was around Cameron.  Cameron was facing away from us, but she said he turned his head and he jet black hair.  She saw his face and his little mouth and she felt him tell her something along the lines of, 'You can't take care of me anymore.  I'm with my Father and he's taking care of me.  I'm okay.  You can't do anything for me.  I'm being taken care of."  

Wow.  Just wow.  She cried telling me this and I cried.  Could that be Cameron talking to her to comfort me?  Does he know how much I'm hurting for him?  I pray every night he doesn't... I don't want him to know how much I'm hurting... I want him to be happy and not worry.  But that dream gave me some sense of security that I hadn't had.  Maybe, through all things of logic, just maybe the dreams are a window to him... and that's the only way he can tell me he's okay.  I'd love to believe that.  Wouldn't you?

 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pregnancy and Infact Loss Awareness Day...

This is a day I hoped I'd never be part of, but I am... this is my first and, unfortunately, one that will never change.


Someone posted this and I fell in love with it.  I thought it said it perfectly.  I'm so scared that people are going to forget that I had a son... I had a baby.  I don't want this to be forgotten, so this spoke so much to me.  They also had one for Grandparents and Uncles and such... I gave those to my brothers and parents so they can remember they too are uncles and they too are grandparents... even though we all lost our first baby in the family.

They had a Walk to Remember today at the Grotto... sort of a church with a courtyard to meditate and pray and light candles this morning.  But I wasn't able to go.  I went later on in the afternoon and lit a candle for Cameron... and Puffins, of course.  As soon as we walked in there was a statue of Jesus holding a little boy... I wasn't expecting that and just broke down.  I couldn't stop crying.  And loud crying too... it caught me off guard.  But it was something that spoke words to me and that I needed.  I think that was the first visualization of my baby being held by Jesus... and me realizing it was probably like that.

Eric and I prayed for Cameron and I found little golden charm of a baby... I'm thinking it was probably left over from this morning, but I love that I found one.  We then walked along the trail and saw another statue of Jesus sitting next to a woman crying and clutching her heart necklace... and Jesus was holding a tiny baby.  Oh, wow... this was me!!!  I had my necklace that I clutch all the time... and he had my baby.  MY baby.  Why does he have my baby?  Again, I just broke down again... I touched the baby and kept asking why... why, why, why?  Why did you take my baby?  It was weird... I looked at Jesus's face and eyes and it seemed like he was staring at me and for the first time, I kind of felt anger toward him... You did this.  You took my baby.  I'm sorry if this will offend people, but I felt like hitting the statue... hitting his head... I just felt so much anger all of a sudden.  Why did you take my baby?  He was mine!  I should be holding him... he shouldn't be just a memory.  And hardly a memory at that... I have so little of him and it's just not fair.  I know others say that God gives us babies and life and it's his to take away... saying like Cameron wasn't mine at all, but he was.  He was from me... He needed me and I needed him.  So, why?  I just kept looking at the statue and touching the baby's face and wondering why.  It was a beautiful statue though... and I am glad it was there.  I'm sure it will be a place for me to go back to for Cameron.




I spent a lot of today crying... and a lot of it was for Puffins.  It just seemed like everything was hitting me head on.  I kept thinking of the way Puffins would look at me.  She looked at me liked she loved me.  You could just tell by the looking on her face.  I thought about how we would go to sleep and she would jump on my chest and lay right on it.  How she'd roll her eyes at my mom.  And how she had such a distinctive meow when she needed to.  She was my princess and she knew it.  I'd always call out for her in the backyard when she wasn't home, and within five minutes, she was at the french doors waiting to be let in.  She was my baby... my earth angel.  And now she's with my baby Cameron.  

All day it was bothering me about how she may have passed... I couldn't get passed it.  I couldn't get over the fact that she may have suffered... I couldn't imagine my princess suffering.  I kept looking at pictures of her and I just couldn't see her having buzzards around her and to be disgraced like that.  I kept wondering, how can I get over this now?  How can I just forget this?  I want to!  But I couldn't.  The more and more I thought about it and talked about it with Eric, I think we came to a reasoning of what may have caused her death... and it's the only thing that makes sense to me... and even more, it gives me comfort. 

We think she knew she was passing and went to hide, like cats do, to go.  She went to her favorite space under the shed at the neighbors and probably passed Friday or Saturday... hopefully, in her sleep and painlessly.  Saturday night was the terrible storm that flooded a lot of yards and she was pushed out by the water.  And Sunday, the neighbor saw the buzzards and that night I had the dream.  It doesn't make sense that should would just be lying in the backyard in the open... the neighbor has no dogs and there's no reason for that.  Or that she didn't come home before the storm... she always made it home before, she knew when it was coming.  Once we came to this conclusion, it's given me some comfort.  And the dream of her with Cameron has made me feel good that she's there with my baby keeping him warm and telling him how much his mommy loves him.




Friday, October 14, 2011

Puffins Celeste

It was January 22, 1999 and I was at home and heard the doorbell ring.  I was 16 and at my parents home.  I opened to door to see my boyfriend at that time, Ryan, standing there.  He pulled something out of his pocket and there was a tiny black and white kitty sitting in the palm of his hand!  My own cat!  I fell in love with her instantly.  And I knew her name already... Puffins.  Celeste was added for her middle name because she was angelic to me and it meant heavenly.  She was my earth angel for the last 12 years.

I got her name out of a National Geographic magazine when I was in 7th grade.  I loved the name of that animal and always said when I got my own cat, I'd name it Puffins.  And there was my Puffins.  She was just wonderful.  She loved me and was always with me.  She'd sleep with her head on my shoulder and then run down the hall in the morning and jump into my arms.  I went away to college and my parents told me she cried for me every night.  But when I'd come home, it'd be like nothing had changed.  Even though I went away many times, she'd always be there, like usual, when I came back.  She never forgot our bond.  I never forgot her... I literally thought of her every single day.



I always said I wanted to be cremated when I died and wanted her ashes to be mixed with mine.  I had planned to cremate her too.  Recently I had been worried about her... I'm not sure why, but I had been.  I kept hoping that if she was going to pass, that she would do it at home, so I could hold her little body.  My mom always told me how cats run away to pass and I just didn't want her to do that.  She was about 12 years old now... but she seemed pretty healthy.

Yesterday Eric and I went and put flyers with her picture up around the neighborhood.  This afternoon I got a call from a neighbor about a block down saying they had been feeding a cat that looked like her for the last two days... there was hope!  We drove there, but it wasn't her.  So, I was in my parents backyard calling her while Eric was watering Cameron's tree when the backyard neighbor asked me what cat I was looking for.  I told him Puffins, my black and white cat.  

The old man walked toward the fence to me and looked sad... he said he was conflicted about telling me and saw her flyers hung up, but said that day after the storm, which was Saturday night, he saw a lot of buzzards in the yard next to his and he was sure they were around Puffins body...

I just stared at him... and asked him if the cat he saw was fluffy, because she wasn't.  I needed to make sure and he said no... he couldn't see her face, but after he saw the flyer, he was sure.  Only two black and white cats ever went to his yard and he's seen the other since the storm, but not her anymore... and she was the one on the flyer.  It made sense... Puffins went missing about Thursday or Friday... Saturday night was the storm... Sunday he saw the buzzards and had the dream she was with snuggling with Cameron's stuffed animal.  And she always jumped over the fence at that area... so that would be the place she would be found.

So my Puffins is gone... I hate that this happened now.  I just hate it.  After Cameron, I was finding my way to God.  I'm trying to.... I'm praying every night with Eric... we're reading the bible every night.  And we want to start going to church.  The only way I can get through losing Cameron was having faith that I could see him again on the other side.  But now Puffins is gone... all within a little more than a one month period.


People say that she's just a cat and some people can't understand... others may.  But for 12 years I thought of her as my baby.  I cared about her like one, I thought about her like one, and I worried about her like one.  Yeah, it's not on the scale like Cameron... but it's a different type of love.  And true love.  It's real and I can't understand why two of the most precious one's in my life are taken from me so close in time.  First my Cameron which no one should ever have to go through... the loss of a child is one that nothing can compare to.  But now Puffins... which I just cherished for so long.

I keep hoping that she didn't suffer.  But I wish I knew how she went.  Was it the storm?  Was she hurt?  Did she think about me and wonder why I wasn't there to save her?  Or was she sick and she went like mom always said.  I hope it's the last... I didn't want her to suffer.  I can't imagine her suffering...

I keep thinking that maybe she was taken from me to give to Cameron.  Maybe God wanted Cameron to be with her?  But why?  I needed her right now... I'm still hurting.  But maybe Puffins was taken to him to show Cameron how much I could love since I loved her so much.  Cameron never got to feel my love... I wasn't able to hold his live body or kiss him or fall asleep with him.  But I was with Puffins.  I miss my Cameron so much... soooo much.  I now think the dream I had Sunday where Puffins was with Cameron's dinosaur, sleeping with him, was maybe her giving me comfort... telling me she's with him.  At least I hope it is.  I can only hope there is a purpose for this... otherwise, why put me through so much pain in such a short time...

In Memory of Puffins Celeste Exon
December 25, 1998 - October 2011


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What Else?

It's been about five days since my beloved cat, Puffins Celeste, has gone missing.  What else can go wrong? 




I received Puffins as a gift when I was 16 and since then, she was my world.  I even put her name on my class ring in high school!  I took her for my senior pictures also and have just adored her.  She was my baby for the last 12 years.  On Friday I was told that she hadn't been home... I was worried, but not too worried.  She's done this before.  But then there were rainstorms and it's been cooler than usual... anything lower than 75 degrees and she thinks it's cold. That's when I got worried.

Eric and I went around the neighborhood calling her and looking for her. I was glad I didn't see her in the middle of the street or something... so at least I knew she wasn't run over or anything... but then again, I couldn't find her at all.  My mom was saying that she thinks she also lives at another house and maybe she was there.  All I can hope is that maybe that's still a possibility...

And then Monday night, I had a dream that Puffins was in the washroom on the table snuggling with Cameron's stuffed dinosaur.  I woke up thinking that maybe that was showing me that she was with Cameron in heaven.  And all I could think of was why???  Cameron was already taken from me too soon, so why take Puffins now?!  But maybe she's with Cameron... so Cameron can take care of her while they're waiting for me... I hope not.  I didn't want Cameron to go so quickly... and I didn't want Puffins to go now.  Not yet. 

Two weeks ago my parents went to Cabo and I stayed at their home.  Puffins was in bed with me the whole time and I got to cuddle with her and hear her purr like I used to.  I was so glad I got to do that with her recently since I hadn't in such a long time.  Eric even noticed and Puffins was just loving it.  When I woke up the next morning too, she was already waiting for me and jumped right on the bed.  Puffins, I hope you're okay... I'm praying for you all the time too that you'll return safely home.  I miss you... if not, I hope you didn't suffer... and I hope you're now with my baby, so both my babies are together and my Cameron has my most beloved cat of all.  Puffins can show Cameron how much love his mommy can give.


I'm not saying bye to her just yet... I still have hope and please send out good thoughts.  I didn't want my baby Cameron to be gone, he wasn't supposed to be.  So, please don't take Puffins right now... this year is just not going well...

BTW, I went to the doctor today and so far all the tests have come out negative... good and bad.  I want to know what caused my sons death, but then again, if everything is negative so far, that means that it most likely is a chromosome problem, which means this is extremely unlikely to ever happen again.  It was just a fluke of nature than... Nature is cruel.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Angels Everywhere

I've noticed that ever since this whole tragedy happened, I've met some people that seem to be there just at the right time.  It seems meant to be.  For instance, today, I met a woman, I think her name was Maria.  I went to Mission Park Funeral Chapels by my apartment today with Eric to get my necklace filled with Cameron's ashes.  He was cremated at Puente and Son's and although they did an excellent job and have been and still are super supportive, this was closer and Puente and Son's gave me a necklace too... so I didn't want to take a different one to them to fill... I thought it may be rude.  By the way, Puente and Son's called Eric several weeks ago to check up on me... they were still concerned over me and told me they wanted to give me a necklace to fill... I thought it was so nice and made me happy.  It's a beautiful charm... a bronze baby angel.  But there was a necklace I had already had my eyes on of a mom hugging a baby that I could have engraved with Cameron's name and birthday.


Isn't it just beautiful?  I love that I can have him around me all the time now.  I was at first against putting his ashes in a necklace...afraid I may lose it or something.  But I started feeling guilty leaving the house too... I felt like I was leaving him behind.  And I start work in a couple of days... I felt I needed to do this.  So, they sent me the necklace with a kit to transfer the ashes, but I didn't trust myself to transfer myself.  So, I called Mission Park and they said they could help.

We went there and were sitting waiting for them to do the transfer... when a lady came and started talking about the rain.  I mentioned since September 17th it had been raining... which was the day we planted Cameron's tree for his memorial in my parents yard.  And it seemed perfect to keep raining since new trees need all the rain, ya know...



She asked if my son was a baby and I said yes... September 1st, he was still born.  She told me sorry and said that happened to her also.  Her daughter would have been 32 years old this year.  She seemed so warm and caring. Her daughters name was Erika and was 8 pounds and so many ounces.  She had to get a hysterectomy right afterwards and was unable to have anymore children.  How sad, I thought... right now I can't imagine not having a child to take care of... I want to take care of my baby.  She said it felt like the end of the world... I started tearing up and I saw tears come down her face too.  She buried her baby and she still visits her grave site.

All I could think of was, wow.... 32 years later and she's still hurting... she's still thinking of her baby she lost.  This was also comforting to me, as well... to know that I will still think of my baby years and years from now and he still will be considered my baby.  He will never be replaced and people still think of their children they lost.  She asked if she could give me a hug; I was aching for one, actually.  She leaned over and hugged me and we had a very heartfelt hug. We talked a bit more and asked me for my name and address... it seems they have a Christmas service with paper angels on the Christmas tree with names on them.  She wanted to send me an invitation when that time comes around. It sounded perfect to me.

I left there feeling a comfort I hadn't felt in a long time.  I felt like I met the right person at the right time.  An angel in disguise.  I met one in the hospital too... a nurse named Sylvia who told me about her eight babies she had lost... during my time in need, it made me feel like someone else was with me too.  

I hate that these angels have to exist... but it helps... no one should have to feel this pain, but it's here and won't go away.  Our babies won't come back, but it something that we have to live with... a new way of living without our babies here on earth.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Trying to Understand...

I understand people don't know how to react when something like this happens to someone.  I tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered how I would have reacted to someone.  I don't know if I would know what to do.  So, that's why I am able to excuse what some people have said to me.  I know they are trying to be helpful and when they say something to me, they think it's making me feel better, when in reality, it just hurts more.  Some examples...

My mother... something may have been wrong with him in the end... or in the hospital, after I had just given birth, she starts talking about someone else that just had a healthy baby.  I was too drugged up to tell her anything.  Or at my home the weekend I came home from the hospital, Eric's sister-in-law was there and she had a baby two months ago.  My mom ends telling her congratulations for the new baby and stuff.  I just had Cameron two days before this... and I couldn't get a congratulations... my baby wasn't cause for a celebration because of the situation. 

Eric's mother... Maybe you'll have twins next time.  He's lucky and in heaven or something like that.  This is one of my pet peeves of a lot of people... God has a reason, It wasn't meant to be... something along those lines.  God gave me this baby to carry so he knew I would love him.  Why take him from me then?  This doesn't make me feel better.  Or within a week of coming home, she calls and is asking Eric about a vacuum and asking him why he hasn't done anything... um, our baby was born still not even a week ago?  We're still grieving!  But then tells him we just need to heal... basically, get over it and move on.  This still angers me to this day and I still haven't spoken to her yet.  It's a month and 8 days after right now and I'm still grieving and still missing him.  And I can't imagine this ending anytime soon.  He's my baby, my son.

Eric's Grandma... She was a comfort to me at first, but then we she came to San Antonio, I realized that she didn't understand what had happened.  She made excuses for people that acted terrible... like Eric's dad.  And after only being home for one day from the hospital, she made a comment saying that it looked like I lost weight.  While I know she didn't mean this to be bad, I took it terrible.  I pulled Eric aside and told him that of course I had just lost weight!  I just gave birth to my baby boy!  I don't have him anymore!

My Dad... asking me if I wanted to go pick out a gift for my new nieces baptism.  Really?  Then two days later asking me if I wanted to go.  I just got mad then and asked him why he would ask me that.  It had only been about two weeks.  He said he just thought I'd want to go and pray for Cameron also.  I got up and walked out.  Little did I know that my mom had already warned him about asking me and told him not to, but he still did.

Eric's dad... WHILE I was in the hospital and had just given birth to my angel, he calls that night since he was in town and is wanting to stay at our apartment and take a shower.  He was still asking Eric if he was going to go home after Eric repeatedly kept saying he was staying in the hospital.  Then asked if the baby's heart was beating... really?  I just thought this was terrible... after what we're going through, he's still wanting a place to stay and shower.  And Eric's grandma understood this.

There were plenty more people just saying it was meant to be and everything happens for a reason and bs like that.  I got pregnant for a reason and I was supposed to have him to take care of. 

You're young, you'll have another child.  Um, I didn't want another one.  I wanted him!  He's my baby!  I can't just replace him!

Maybe you'll have twins.  See above.

The worst from my former friend Sarah... I strongly believe you get what you put out in the world.  Uh... what the heck is that supposed to mean???!  That I or Cameron deserved this?  That I caused my baby's death?  No.  I love him and I'm a good person.

Or people comparing this to abortions or stuff... people telling me their abortion stories... this is not like that.  I did not choose this. 

So, that's my rant.

Friday, October 7, 2011

In Loving Memory of my Son

Looking back at my last post, I was so naive, yet, I had a feeling.... right?

Since then, I found out I was having a precious baby boy.  A precious boy that would fill my life with adventure and love and show me how to care for someone so much that I would do anything for.  I went and bought clothes and looked at cribs and felt my clothes tightening along with the hardness in my stomach.  I felt the uncomfortableness in my stomach while sleeping and the sickness every morning.  Oh!  And I don't forget about that constant backpain!

But through all that, I was so excited to have this baby inside of me.  To be able to see his face and see how he'd look at me and know how much he'd be spoiled even though I said he wouldn't.  I know I would have been the BEST mom ever.

All that changed on August 29th.  August 29th.

August 27th I went to the 3D ultrasound and invited my parents.  They still were unable to get a good picture and his heartbeat was at 118.  All other times it was about 160, so I wasn't too worried.  My baby seemed to be lazy!  He was just sleeping... that's all.  I was 20 weeks at this point.  Five months.  I still hadn't felt him move, but I read that new moms can take up to 21 weeks to feel him.  The 3D tech didn't seem worried, so even though I was, I felt it was just my normal worrisome ness.

The next day I sent my parents the crib sets I wanted and they were talking about setting up the crib they had for Cameron to stay at their house...

Then Monday, the 29th, I was making the baby shower list and e-mailing Elissa about what I wanted... when I got the call from my doctor.  He told me that the ultrasound tech called him and told him she felt there were some abnormalities... what???  I didn't think I was hearing right.  Abnormalities?  But she's not a doctor... she could be wrong, right?  He agreed, but said they sometimes could tell things and it's best to check it out asap.  I was in shock.  Complete shock.

I, at first, thought I'd work throughout the day and just make a doctors appointment.  But, literally, second by second, it started affecting me more.  I e-mailed Eric right away and told him to answer my call right now.  I stood up and told my lead, Scarlett, I needed to leave.  I think I started crying at that point... I don't remember, but I'm sure I did.  When it came out, it just hit me.  She saw me and someone was working on her computer at her desk and just told me okay.  I think we were short staffed that day so no one was available to take calls, so she put on my headset that she didn't know how to work.  I told her I'd sign in, but she just told me to go and seemed like she understood.  She knew something was wrong.  I walked quickly out of the building in shock... not knowing what to do... I was in a daze.

I called Eric 1, 2, 3 times and no answer.  My gosh!  Why wasn't he answering?  There were gardeners out there and I was afraid they'd hear me.  That they'd wonder why I was crying... why was this girl crying at work?  So unprofessional!  So, I tried to stay as hidden as I could, but it was hard.  Eric finally called me back and I told him what happened.  I started crying.  He told me to leave right now to the apartment and he'll meet me there.  I was glad he did that because I didn't know what to do.  I honestly think I would have tried to go back to work... what was I thinking???!

I hung up and called my manager Monique to tell her what was going on.  In the middle of that call I got a call from my doctors office telling me they made an appointment with a high risk specialist for me at 1:15 PM or something like that.  I agreed and called my manager back telling her that I needed to leave and if she could bring my purse at my desk out to me.  I couldn't go back in there like this... I was crying so much.  How could this be happening?  Everything was perfect and there were no complications at all!

She came out and gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay.  How I wish that was true...

From then on, I met Eric at the apartment... those two hours of waiting for the doctors appointment seemed like the longest two hours ever.  We went to the doctors office with my parents meeting us.  I felt bad for them being there because I didn't think anything would happen and it was such a long wait.  We finally got seen and two hours we were told that my baby had a major heart defect.  I cried... is this for sure?  Yes, it was.  It was significant.  Significant. His heart would stop beating soon and I would have to deliver him when that happened.  Really?  I'd have to go through a labor and delivery still?  Yes.

He looked so perfect on the screen in front of his... his heart was still beating, which we thought was good.  From then on, everything happened so quickly...

That was Monday... Tuesday night I think his little heart stopped... Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment at 11 AM which confirmed he was gone... my baby was gone.  I only had less than four months left... but he left early.  There was no hope any longer.  No more hope at all.

I went to hospital right after that appointment, checked in, and delivered him the next evening.  At 6:13 PM.  One pound, One ounce, 10 Inches... my baby.  Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia.  He had his dad's mouth and feet, and had my lips and nose.  I got to hold him for a moment.  Those memories will be the most precious of my whole life. 



I was in such distress... I still am.  I miss him every minute of every day.  I think about him constantly.  I was 21 weeks and four days.  Over halfway there.

I have his foot and handprints as memories.  They're beautiful and I look at them all the time.  I still don't understand why this happened.  I was looking forward to him and would have made sure he was happy.

It makes me angry hearing about people that are mean and don't provide for their children when I would have done that in an instant.  How can people treat their children like that when I never even had the opportunity to care for my baby?

We had a memorial for him at my parents house and planted a tree...


I still don't understand why this happened to me.  I don't think I ever will.  I do know that he's my angel and I will never ever forget him.  I love him more than words can ever express.  And I will make sure that his future brothers and/or sisters will know him also.  They will always remember him and he will be honored for the rest of my life.  Just because my son isn't here with me on earth, I will still celebrate him and honor his as best I can.

I wish things would have turned out differently... oh, how i wish.  I wish I could have been waking up to him screaming in the middle of the night, feeding him, changing his diaper, being his Santa Claus... but I can't.  But how lucky am I told have held an angel?  Very.