Christmas wasn't as sad as I thought it'd be. But I think it helped because some of my family came over, like my cousin and her daughter, Chelsey. Otherwise, I think it would have been depressing. We hadn't had a family celebration in several years.... but they knew I needed it now and I was able to open the gifts of kindness for Cameron... everyone was supportive and Cameron was not forgotten at my parents house at all. It was something I really enjoyed that I hope we continue to keep doing.
These last two days have been a little sad for me... but a different kind of sadness. I felt it yesterday at work... and then I went to lunch and considering just going home from there because I just felt a heaviness within me. It's a different kind of sadness because I'm not outwardly crying a ton like I had previously been. Although I did shed a tear or two at work yesterday. Luckily, my coworkers understand. I have been trying to find another position within my company and interviewed last week, but I feel that my attendance will be an issue and not allow me to get the position. I just feel I need a change... I like my job now and love my boss here, but I think that because everything happened in this same unit with the same people and everything, that makes it more difficult for me. I need a complete change to kind of start over...
But I woke up today and took a shower getting ready for work and I still feel sad. I'm not crying though, but I feel like I can't smile and just want to go to bed. It's like I just want to sleep and sleep instead of doing anything. I looked at Cameron's pictures and touched his footprints... he was so beautiful. And then I think of right now I would have been huge... I would have been due next weekend. Instead of a blow-up mattress in the next room, there would have been a crib there with a rocking chair and dresser full of his tiny clothes. And a bassinette right next to me right now... but instead there's a messy room, with a desk full of papers and a blow-up mattress in the middle of the room. And next to me is my dresser with dirty clothes on the floor. It shouldn't have been like this. I was supposed to by a crib and be anticipating my baby's arrival. He arrived, but not how any parent wants.
So, is it progress that I'm not crying a ton like I did before? That instead I'm just feeling the sadness? I don't know... I want to smile... I want to be happy and instead I can't. Instead I feel that something is missing.... I feel a permanent frown on my face.... I feel my heart hurting. It literally hurts. I smile to others, but it's always just an act now... I don't feel smiley.... it's more of a habit. Maybe I'm not crying because of the Prozac the doctor has me on? I don't know.... I think it's better that I'm not. But I still feel sad... so, it's almost like it's hidden now. The tears gave some outward indication of how I felt inside, but now there's none, but I still feel the same.
I know it sounds like a broken record, but I miss my son. I miss my baby. I want him here with me. I want to hold him and kiss him and feel his tiny hands and feet again. All you parents out there, do not take your baby for granted.... the simplest things such as just touching their fingers are something that I only got to do once.