Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Dreaded Mother's Day

Two days after mothers day last year, I found out I was pregnant.  I can't believe it's been a year since I knew about Cameron.  Since I knew about a baby growing within me.

Last Mother's day, Eric and I went out to dinner with my family.  I ordered stuffed chicken, which I normally love.  I found it disgusting... I couldn't eat it.  I tasted gross and all I ate was the risotto.  I gave the rest to my brother.  After I found out I was pregnant, chicken was one of the foods I could not stand.  I hated the taste of it and couldn't get myself to even think of eating it.  Odd how even before I suspected I was pregnant, my taste buds were already changing. 

While I was pregnant, I was planning for so many things.  Already planning for his first birthday party... already wondering how my first mothers day would turn out!  So, now that day is here... and it's not at all how I imagined.

I actually forgot about Mother's day and didn't think it would have much of an effect on me.  I kept getting those e-mail ad's and saw commercials, and I somewhat thought about it, but not too deeply.  I kinda put it in the back of my mind.  Until this last week.

I was at work and heard coworkers talking about what they were doing for mothers day.  Someone asked me what I was going to do for my mom.  I didn't say much... I kinda laughed half-heartedly about something, but I could tell I started feeling uncomfortable.  The more they kept talking, the more I felt myself getting more and more anxious.  I could feel one of those pesky anxiety attacks that I have come to know coming... all of a sudden, it came.  I got up and walked outside to get a breather.  But I still couldn't stop crying...

Am I a mom?  Yes.  I still am a mom, and I hope others recognize that.  I hope that just because I don't have my son here to celebrate with me, that people still remember I had him.  I went through the pain, the labor... he was in my womb.  I protected him as best as I could.   I held him and touched him... and I love him more than anything in this world.  I would give anything for him... and isn't that what a mom is? 

So, my first mothers day I am spending as a grieving mother.  So not how I imagined.  But I am Cameron's mom and proud.  And I hope he knows how great of a mom I would have been to him.  I know I would have been the best mom... just wish he could have experienced it. 

I love you, my Cammy.

And Happy Mother's day to all the grieving mom's out there.  I wish you a gentle day...

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