My First Mother's Day

I thought I had posted this for Mothers day... but here it is, a month later:

My first mother's day was last weekend.  Nothing that I had expected it to be.

I HATE that this is how I will always remember my first Mother's Day.  HATE it.

I hate that I didn't have Cameron.  I hate that I didn't have a baby to smile and laugh with me.  I hate that I couldn't kiss Cameron.  I hate that I couldn't hold him again.  I hate that everyone seemed at work seemed to talk about their mother's day... and no one even thought of me.

Through out the week, my mom kept asking me what I was going to do.  I honestly did not think of Mother's day too much.  I saw ad's... I got e-mail ads... I heard my family talk about it.  But I think I pushed it so far out of my mind,  I didn't think of it much.  I had no opinion on it.  I didn't vocalize anything until my mom kept pushing me for what I wanted to do that day... thinking that they just wanted to know because she wanted to know for herself, of course.  I finally snapped back at my mom, "Ya know, this was supposed to be my first mother's day!"  She said back that she knew and that's why she was asking.  I didn't think that anyone else was recognizing me... except you angel mom's out there and Eric.  But I was wrong.

I woke up for Mother's day... not wanting it to come, but not really caring either.  And sort of scared.  Not sure how I would be that day.  I woke up and looked at Cameron's urn on my dresser.  Oh, baby, I wish you were here...

Then behind his urn was something new... I had to put my glasses on to make it more clear.  It was a teddy bear holding a baby teddy bear with a balloon saying Happy Mother's Day!  I smiled.  Eric put that there last night so I could wake up to it.  Happy Mother's Day... it was very sweet.

We headed over to my parents house with my mom's gift in hand.  Her and my dad seemed excited to give me mine.  Yes, they got me a Mother's day gift!  :)  And it was beautiful.  It was a silver ring with mine, Eric's, and Cameron's named engraved on it with our birthstones.  Isn't that the most precious thing?  My mom had an idea to have our names on it and then as I have my future babies, to get their names engraved on it too.  Unfortunately, the jeweler or whoever messed up and put Cameron FULL name on it... and he has a long name!  Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia.... yup!  So, no more room for anymore names!  But I will for sure have future babies still!  Cameron should have his own ring anyway.... just for being my first born and not being on earth with us.  He's an angel.

Even my other brother, Paul Conrad (who Cameron is named after also) got me something.  I was amazed how people recognized me as being a mom... even though I don't feel like it.  :)  And got texts from people, like my friend Adriana who said, "Thinking about you today... You are an amazing momma to Mr. Cammy.  Love ya Kon!"  :)  That just made me smile and I still look back at it.  Yes, I hope I am an amazing Momma to my Cameron!  I'm trying the best I can... as much as I can.

I was so tired the entire day.  More tired that I have ever been.  I just wanted to go to sleep.  Eric and I headed home about 4:30 and I went straight to bed.  And stayed in bed till the next morning.  I don't think I have ever done that.  I think maybe that was my body's protective measure... knowing that it was a hard day for me, even though I wasn't completely recognizing it... and taking care of it.  What better way to spend it than to sleep through it since I can't celebrate with my son.

BTW, I have added more tabs to the top of my page with blog art, poetry, and quotes that I've seen.