Wednesday, November 14, 2012

So Many Things...

I started a new job as a data entry person.  It's absolutely perfect for me.  It's part-time and I get to make my own hours... plus, it's easy.  Working on this master's degree is taking its toll on me.  I really had no idea is was going to be this much work... physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I think I had mentioned it in my last blog, but I wasn't feeling as sad as I used to.  But then last week in my Human Behavior class we were talking about babies that were born addicted to crack or any type of drugs, really.  Throughout the discussion, I was having to hold back tears.  Luckily, a break was immediately following that and I went outside and called my friend Adriana crying.

It's so frustrating to me... and I don't understand it.  I'm still not at 100% believer in God, but I am trying to be.  I feel that is the only way I can see my Cameron.  But I have so many questions.  If God was real, why would he put someone through all this pain?  Why would he allow mothers that do drugs and drink throughout the pregnancy to have their LIVE baby at the end?  And why not me??  I didn't do stuff like that... I would have been a great mom... I miss my Cameron so much.

Then on the way to work today, I saw a funeral procession and that got me thinking of Cameron again.  Wondering who was in that casket.  Wondering if it was someones child.  Wondering how the family was feeling that was in the limo following the hearse.  Normal people don't think like this!

I even had a dream about two nights ago that some lady was pregnant and I touched her stomach and had a vision (in my dream) that she was having twins.  She got very excited, but then I told her that they weren't going to live and something was exploding in her.  I kept saying that over and over... that something was bursting.  But I saw the twin babies in a sonogram in my dream clearly...

At my new job, the owner brings her daughter there... she's probably about one years old.  Just about what Cameron would have been... I hear her laughing and smiling and walking around.  And always wonder if that's how Cameron would have been.  It's hard for me to look at her.  I'm trying.  I know I need to get over this fear of mine... this anxiousness about being around little kids.  I want to and I need to.

I always wonder what Cameron would have looked like now.  What his smile would look like.  What his laugh would have sounded like... how his legs would have looked like?  Would they be chubby?  Would he be fast to learn walking?  What would his first word would have been?

It's just a constant thing... over and over...

But there's one quote I saw that summed everything up:

Grieving the loss of a child is a process,
It begins the day your child passes
And ends the day the parent joins them.

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