Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day

I had Cameron on September 1, 2011.  My first Mother's Day was in May of 2012 and it was hard.  I was anxious, worrying if anyone would even acknowledge me as a mother.  I was a mother, after all.  Even if my baby wasn't here with me.  My best friend, my parents, some of my extended family, and my husband did.  It made me feel good, but wishing I had my son with me.

I don't even remember last mother's day, but I know the same people acknowledged it for me and I just went through the motions.

Tomorrow will be my first mother's day with a baby here to celebrate it with me.  So, why am I not excited?  Why do I not "feel" like it's mother's day?  Why do I not feel it's for me?  My husband mentioned that maybe it's because it's always been a sad day for me in recent years.  I hadn't thought about it, but it made sense.

I have my rainbow.  I'm blessed to have him arrive healthy and alive and beautiful!!!  I love him so much.  But I'm also so afraid all the time.  I'm afraid he's not safe, that something can still happen... that he's still not completely all mine.

I told Eric I would make an effort to get excited about this mother's day.  I went shopping and bought a new outfit.  I have been trying to think more about mother's day and tell myself to get excited... weird, huh?  But I'm still not there.

Tomorrow I'll be going to church, then going to brunch with my family.. oh!  and it's my brother's birthday too!  He'll be 30.  And somehow I haven't thought about that much either.  This is my first mother's day with my baby on earth with me.... I wish I could be excited and happy.  I'm trying for this little guy:

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