Cameron's Parents

Eric's asked me to marry him.  He's asked me before, but I had always said no... I didn't want to marry while I was pregnant.  But going through a tragedy makes me reevaluate a lot of things.  And I realized how great of a partner Eric really is.  I actually think I am lucky to have had a partner like Eric to go through this with... he's been an awesome partner through this and has been extremely supportive.  So, I've said yes.

The ring is beautiful, sort of antique looking.  And it has a matching band.  We went out to eat at his local Italian restaurant named Little Italy to celebrate and I had told Eric that I hoped that Cameron was watching us and was happy to know that his parents were going to be devoting each other to themselves for the rest of our lives.  We ate and had a wonderful dinner and sat in the corner seat booth of the restaurant.  The waiter even gave us a slice of Italian Wedding Cake that was absolutely devine. As we got up to leave, I noticed the entire time there was a statue of a baby angel behind us the whole time!  Wow!  That spoke so much to me.  I felt like this was a small way (or maybe a big way!) of Cameron telling us that he was there to celebrate with us.  He was in the middle of our dinner the whole time without me even noticing... yet, always thinking of him.

The baby angel behind us at dinner

I started off wanting a small, intimate wedding with only my immediate family... but it's growing and growing now.  I just felt that after all this, nothing really matters to me anymore.  All the things that used to be important to me aren't anymore.  What is important to me is my family, Cameron, and my future children.  After Cameron, I wanted to try for another child as soon as possible, which I hear is pretty normal for someone that has gone through something like this.  Have a "rainbow baby," as they're called.  The rainbow after the storm.  I want my rainbow.

But I would like to be married before I have another child too.  So, there lies the dilemma.  I want to try as soon as possible for my rainbow... which per the doc, will be after six months, which is in March.  So, I'd like to get married by March so I could start trying right away... but that's so soon!  So, we were thinking next October... which I thought was fine, but I'm still stuck with the dilemma of wanting to get pregnant again by March and then I'd be unmarried... again.  I don't want to be pregnant at my wedding.  But at this point, I don't know.  I'd also like to lose weight for my wedding pictures.  So, today, Eric and I have decided to try for the end of March wedding and lose as much weight as possible until then... that's today though.  It may change!

In other news, I saw the counselor for the first time this past week.  It was good and she seemed to understand.  I talked about the insensitivity of some people and how I feel sometimes.  How I can be great throughout the day, but then suddenly feel an emptiness and sadness within myself.  How can I explain this except to know that it's because I'm missing the most precious part of myself?  

I miss my Cameron... I miss my baby and wish I could hold him.  This whole event has changed my outlook on EVERYTHING in my life... my family, friends, career goals, education, everything... more on that later...