Monday, November 21, 2011

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

This used to be to me.  I absolutely LOVE Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I love the food and family of Thanksgiving and I LOVE picking out the perfect gift and wrapping and seeing someones reaction.  I love the decorating of the tree and hanging on the stockings and the warm feeling that the whole season brings.  And this year, I was especially looking forward to it because I was pregnant!  I was due on January 8th, but I had a feeling I would be having him around Christmas, or even hoping New Year's Eve since that was my grandma's birthday.  I thought I would be huge by now and I would be getting baby gifts and prepping for my baby's arrival.  Instead, I'm home from work right now because I keep thinking of holding my one pound, lifeless baby in my arms and coming home from the hospital refusing to get out of the car, crying, because I wasn't supposed to come home without him.  It wasn't right.  It still isn't right. 

Eric has two nephews and a new baby niece... I'm wondering if I'll have to go to Christmas with them and see all the little boys open their gifts and see the baby dressed up in her Christmas outfit.  While I'm without my precious baby.  I just can't imagine being in my situation right now.  This year, Christmas was supposed to be a wonderful time for me this year!  I should have been anticipating the birth of my angel, but instead, I'm mourning the loss of him. 

My manager at work is also expecting a baby soon... his wife and I were almost about the same timeline.  He's been wonderful though.  Somehow, he understands what I'm going through and told me that he will work with me for whatever time I needed off and if I just didn't feel like coming in one day, like I just couldn't do it, it was okay.  I was thankful to have someone like that, but was hoping to never take one of those "sad" days since I had taken off so much already.  That was up until today.  Today, I felt like I woke up okay and then as I was walking out the door, I just started feeling terrible.  I just kept thinking of my poor baby... and how he wasn't here and how that just wasn't right.  I miss him so much. 

On another note, I found out what happened to Cameron.   I got a call at work and saw that it was my doctor on the caller ID.  I panicked.  The last time I saw him, he had told me not to expect anymore calls from him UNLESS a test out of the 100 tests they gave me came out positive, which they didn't expect to happen.  Well, here was the call.  I nervously answered the phone and he told me that he wanted to go over some test results that he thought explained what happened to my baby.  He had something called Tricomy 21... it was Down Syndrome.  But really severe and it affected his heart, which lead to the Hydrops.  I tested normal chromosomes, so they don't expect this to happen again, but I will be high risk from now on.  Why?  How could this have happened?  I almost felt better not knowing why this happened.  Because then it was just a fluke and it just happened.  But now knowing, I feel even more helpless because there was nothing I could do or could have done.  I wish I could have some control over it... I wish it was my fault or something I did.  Is that weird? 

So, here I am at home now... when I should be at work.  But I'm here, crying by myself and writing on my blog.  This blog has actually helped me quite a bit... connecting with other mom's that have lost their babies. 

I just wish I could skip Christmas or the holiday's n general.  What reason do I have to celebrate? 

I have been toying with ideas of something to do for Cameron for Christmas.  One idea I had was to kinda of adopt a baby in need for Christmas and by the baby gifts that I would have for Cameron.  Another one that I saw some other mom had done was to have a stocking for Cameron, which I will anyway, but to have family and friends to random acts of kindness and write them on papers and put them in his stocking.  Then on Christmas, I'd be able to open those and see all the nice things that people did in Cameron's name.  Seems like a sweet way to honor Cameron...

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry about your sweet baby. I'm sorry he had Trisomy 21 and his heart was affected. Holidays can be so hard after losing a child - I like both of those ideas you had for Christmas. We have adopted an Angel tree child before and bought gifts for her. We have also donated baby clothes to the county hospital and done other things in our baby's name. Whatever you do, I hope it brings you some peace.