Monday, April 23, 2012


Other grieving moms out there... do Mondays seem to be worse on you than other days?  I don't know if it's because of the weekend... I don't know if the weekend just gives me too much times to think about things so waking up Monday for work is like a hangover for grief.

I've had a difficult couple of weeks... more so at work though.  I have FMLA now for when I just can't seem to pull myself out of bed... today is one of those days.  It seems one particular person at work is giving me backlash because of this.  Being rude and ignoring and not talking to me.  It's just making it miserable to be there now.  I think she's mad because I take time off sometimes and I started to feel guilty about it.  But then I realized I shouldn't.  She's the lucky one.  She's the one that still has her kids with her in this lifetime.  She has no idea what I'm going through, nor do I wish her to!  I would never wish this on anyone.  So, if she's mad that I just can't make it into work sometimes, that's her issue, not mine.  I need to take care of myself.  I need to have time to grieve for my baby.

I went to HEB this weekend, a local grocery store.  As I was walking down an aisle, I heard a baby screaming at the top of their lungs.  They sounded so precious.  But just screaming and screaming.  I think I have progressed... I think I am able to be around babies a little more.  But then again,  I don't know.  It comes and goes... like when I heard that baby crying, I felt terrible.  I wanted to run and find the baby and hold it and comfort it.  I could feel myself having another panic attack... I had to cover my ears in the middle of the aisle and just stand there breathing in and out, trying to calm myself down.  Luckily I was the only one in the aisle, because I know I'd look crazy to other shoppers!  But I felt like crying and felt so terrible for the baby... I wanted to hold it so much.

When I came back from the hospital, September 2nd, my mom and brother came and cleaned the apartment.  She bought one of those air freshener things that is battery operating and spurts out a scent every now and then.  I hadn't bought a refill until this weekend.  I came home and put it in and coincidentally, it was the same scent my mom had bought.  Wow... that one scent bought back so many memories.  I felt as if I was back in those first few raw weeks after delivering Cameron.  I remembered how my apartment smelled then... how in shock I was.... how I was being binded to stop the breast milk... how I just sat on the couch not wanting to do anything.  How I hurt so much.... physically and mentally.  That smell... they say smell is the greatest memory trigger and now I understand why.  I remember the visitors then... how it seemed like everything was going on around me so fast, and I was just there in a daze.

I'm trying to make sense of all this, but I think it's impossible.  I want to go to work to get my mind off of things, but then I just can't seem to function sometimes.  It's only been a little more than seven months... not even a year yet.  I know I'm still in the process of dealing with things, and in someways, it seems like it's more difficult now sometimes.  I guess that's grief for you... it comes and goes.  And I don't think anyone truly understands the ups and downs of this grief unless you've lost a child too... I don't think it's something that anyone is meant to understand.

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