Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Ten Months

It has been 10 months since I delivered Cameron.  So, he would have been 10 months now... gosh, how different my life would have been.  Instead of just Eric and I, there'd be a third to our family... a bouncing baby boy.  What would he be like?  Would he have been a cry baby?  Or a quiet one?  Would he have slept all night?  Would he have been serious or a laughing baby?  So many questions that will never have answers.  Until, of course, I meet him in heaven. 

I thought I started feeling better recently.  Thinking less of the tragedy itself, but more of everything in a positive light.  I wasn't feel so sad, except of course for the dreaded Monday's for me.  But then I started having difficulties at work... I feel that many people feel I should be over it by now, so I'm not going along their grieving guidelines.  And I don't even talk about Cameron at work... I know how I am judged there, so I do not bring anything up anymore.  But because I am absent sometimes, I know I am judged because they feel I should "get over" the loss of Cameron.  I want to ask them if they would put a timeline on the loss of their own child?  If that were to happen, can they ever imagine getting over it?  I doubt they'd say yes. 

And I am so glad they do not have to go through this.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  Never.  I hate seeing new blogs being started by new angel mommy's.  It's the worst club to be a part of.

I've said it before, Monday's are very hard for me.  A lot of times it's like I'm reliving everything that happened... But the rest of the days seem to be a lot easier for me.  Except yesterday.  I came home from work and just felt terrible.  It's hard to explain, but I felt frustrated and sad and on the verge of crying.  I went to bed and laid down in the dark and just cried.  Eric went in there and held me.  I just felt terrible.  I'm assuming this is what depression is?  Gosh, even though I guess I have it, I still don't really know what it is or how to explain it.  I never thought it'd be me suffering from it. 

I woke up today with puffy eyes and still feeling bad... so, here I am, home.  I was hoping to feel better by noon to make it into work, but I don't see that happening right now. 

Fourth of July is tomorrow... it seems all the holiday's just kinda go on... it's not a big deal anymore.  I barely even notice them coming and going.  It's just another day all the time. 

On another note (a positive one!), I have submitted my application to get my Master's in Social Work.  Another way to honor my Cameron.  If anyone knows me, I normally don't advertise attempts of what I do until I actually get it.  I fear being rejected and then being embarrassed that I did not make it, but this time is different.  Even my attempt is my way of honoring Cameron.  I want to help other mother's out there... and help those unfortunate mom's and dad's that have no where else to turn too.  I know how that felt and that is something they do not need to worry about after losing their child.  So, hopefully in a couple of years, I'll be able to get into counseling to help these people.  I'll let you know once I get word back!

No comments:

Post a Comment