It has been 10 months since I delivered Cameron. So, he would have been 10 months now... gosh, how different my life would have been. Instead of just Eric and I, there'd be a third to our family... a bouncing baby boy. What would he be like? Would he have been a cry baby? Or a quiet one? Would he have slept all night? Would he have been serious or a laughing baby? So many questions that will never have answers. Until, of course, I meet him in heaven.
I thought I started feeling better recently. Thinking less of the tragedy itself, but more of everything in a positive light. I wasn't feel so sad, except of course for the dreaded Monday's for me. But then I started having difficulties at work... I feel that many people feel I should be over it by now, so I'm not going along their grieving guidelines. And I don't even talk about Cameron at work... I know how I am judged there, so I do not bring anything up anymore. But because I am absent sometimes, I know I am judged because they feel I should "get over" the loss of Cameron. I want to ask them if they would put a timeline on the loss of their own child? If that were to happen, can they ever imagine getting over it? I doubt they'd say yes.
And I am so glad they do not have to go through this. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Never. I hate seeing new blogs being started by new angel mommy's. It's the worst club to be a part of.
I've said it before, Monday's are very hard for me. A lot of times it's like I'm reliving everything that happened... But the rest of the days seem to be a lot easier for me. Except yesterday. I came home from work and just felt terrible. It's hard to explain, but I felt frustrated and sad and on the verge of crying. I went to bed and laid down in the dark and just cried. Eric went in there and held me. I just felt terrible. I'm assuming this is what depression is? Gosh, even though I guess I have it, I still don't really know what it is or how to explain it. I never thought it'd be me suffering from it.
I woke up today with puffy eyes and still feeling bad... so, here I am, home. I was hoping to feel better by noon to make it into work, but I don't see that happening right now.
Fourth of July is tomorrow... it seems all the holiday's just kinda go on... it's not a big deal anymore. I barely even notice them coming and going. It's just another day all the time.
On another note (a positive one!), I have submitted my application to get my Master's in Social Work. Another way to honor my Cameron. If anyone knows me, I normally don't advertise attempts of what I do until I actually get it. I fear being rejected and then being embarrassed that I did not make it, but this time is different. Even my attempt is my way of honoring Cameron. I want to help other mother's out there... and help those unfortunate mom's and dad's that have no where else to turn too. I know how that felt and that is something they do not need to worry about after losing their child. So, hopefully in a couple of years, I'll be able to get into counseling to help these people. I'll let you know once I get word back!