I miss my son.
I woke up today feeling worse than I have in a while... wanting to relive everything. I feel bad other days, but today, I feel that emptiness feeling again like I felt those first several weeks... that emptiness that is so raw.
When I came back from the hospital after delivering Cameron, I started writing a ton on a legal notepad. I wanted to remember everything. I wrote everything I could remember from August 29, that Monday, to September 1st... when I held him. I haven't looked at that notepad since. I finally pulled it out this morning and read it. I wanted to relive holding him... to relive delivering him... to relive seeing him for the first and last time.
I loved reading it and remembered how all it felt then. Oh, how I miss him... oh, how I wish things could change. Oh, how I wish I had my baby here with me.
I also started a separate notepad of what was happening in the days after I came home. I know that one is more depressing and has a lot of the anger I felt toward people those first few days or weeks... I'm not going to read that one yet. I just wanted to remember my angel today.... remember how I felt with him. How everything happened so fast... remember how everything transpired so quickly.
It is just terrible knowing that I have to go through the rest of my life without my son by my side. Or maybe he is here with me, but I can't take care of him and can't hold him. It's just not the same... I can't share the joys other mom's can with their kids.
I miss you so much, Cameron.
Today is just a bad day.