Remember to Breathe...

I felt like I had been doing a ton better the last month or two.  I felt better.  Even as Cameron's birthday was approaching on Saturday... I was actually wondering if it would have an affect on me.  Or if it would just be another day.  Stupid me.

Last night I started crying a lot... my first sign I wasn't going to take it well.

Right now I am home from work... I went to work this morning.  And now I'm home.  I had a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe.  Some girl at work had her baby and they were going to email out pictures.  My first thought when she had her baby was, "Great... her baby is good.  He's alive."  Isn't that sad that that's my first thought about a newborn???

My manager asked me first if I wanted to be included on the e-mail with the baby picture.  I said I'd rather not, but was thankful she asked me.  I thought it was okay, until I went back to my desk.  Then thoughts just kept running through my head. 

I kept anticipating when she was going to send the e-mail... then I'm going to hear everyone around me cooing and ahhing over the baby.... and he was born on the day that Cameron died!

Yes, one year ago today is when I truly believe Cameron passed away.  About 9 PM at night... I told Eric I felt him leave.  And it was confirmed the following day by ultrasound.  We had just heard his heartbeat the day before... it happened so fast.  So fast.  Too fast.

I just kept thinking and thinking... my baby was supposed to be here... my baby.  I couldn't breathe and started crying.  I went outside hoping to recover, but it didn't help and I took an early lunch.

So here I am... trying to breathe.  Remembering to breathe.  I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying.  I hadn't cried like that in so long. 

I remember when everything first happened, I had such a sorrowful cry.... I would wake up in the middle of night WAILING... shouting, crying, yelling for my baby... just yelling for Cameron... crying for my baby... heaving and wailing.  That crying happened again today.  And oh my gosh... it just reminded me of everything.

I am dreading Saturday.  It's Cameron's birthday... his first birthday in heaven.  I don't know what I'm going to do....

A Boy

As of August 8th, 2012, it has been one year since Eric and I found out we were having a boy. 

No idea it had been that long.

I had a rough couple of days.  I was tempted to just not come back to work during lunch yesterday after just breaking down during lunch. 

One of my coworkers is pregnant.  I've done good ignoring it, but it also doesn't help that my coworkers seem to hate me.  So, they have no sensitivity to things.  Before I went to lunch they were just talking and talking about the new baby boy coming and all the plans and the 3-D ultrasounds and everything.... I was stuck in the middle listening.  I finally got up and just went to lunch.  And that's when I just cried....

I even tried calling K Love to talk to one of their pastors... that's how hard it was. 

I thought I was getting better?  But I guess these anniversaries creep up on you unexpectedly and hit you like a boulder.

One year ago, I was actually kinda mad I was having a boy.  I wanted a girl.  I felt so guilty for this after I lost Cameron... thinking that somehow it was my fault.  That I should have never been mad about this little fact.  I just want my little boy back!

I told Eric today that I don't care what we have next time... I'm not going to be picky.  Yet a little part of me wants a boy now... not to replace Cameron... NEVER.  But I guess to see what it would be like to raise a boy since I missed out with Cameron. 

Today they were also having two baby showers at work... both for two people that were expecting boys.  Wow, it's like it's all coming down on me now.  I luckily didn't go in because I don't know what I would have done.  And don't know how much further behind that would have put me.

Just a short note for the time being...