Remember to Breathe...

I felt like I had been doing a ton better the last month or two.  I felt better.  Even as Cameron's birthday was approaching on Saturday... I was actually wondering if it would have an affect on me.  Or if it would just be another day.  Stupid me.

Last night I started crying a lot... my first sign I wasn't going to take it well.

Right now I am home from work... I went to work this morning.  And now I'm home.  I had a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe.  Some girl at work had her baby and they were going to email out pictures.  My first thought when she had her baby was, "Great... her baby is good.  He's alive."  Isn't that sad that that's my first thought about a newborn???

My manager asked me first if I wanted to be included on the e-mail with the baby picture.  I said I'd rather not, but was thankful she asked me.  I thought it was okay, until I went back to my desk.  Then thoughts just kept running through my head. 

I kept anticipating when she was going to send the e-mail... then I'm going to hear everyone around me cooing and ahhing over the baby.... and he was born on the day that Cameron died!

Yes, one year ago today is when I truly believe Cameron passed away.  About 9 PM at night... I told Eric I felt him leave.  And it was confirmed the following day by ultrasound.  We had just heard his heartbeat the day before... it happened so fast.  So fast.  Too fast.

I just kept thinking and thinking... my baby was supposed to be here... my baby.  I couldn't breathe and started crying.  I went outside hoping to recover, but it didn't help and I took an early lunch.

So here I am... trying to breathe.  Remembering to breathe.  I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying.  I hadn't cried like that in so long. 

I remember when everything first happened, I had such a sorrowful cry.... I would wake up in the middle of night WAILING... shouting, crying, yelling for my baby... just yelling for Cameron... crying for my baby... heaving and wailing.  That crying happened again today.  And oh my gosh... it just reminded me of everything.

I am dreading Saturday.  It's Cameron's birthday... his first birthday in heaven.  I don't know what I'm going to do....