Friday, August 10, 2012

A Boy

As of August 8th, 2012, it has been one year since Eric and I found out we were having a boy. 

No idea it had been that long.

I had a rough couple of days.  I was tempted to just not come back to work during lunch yesterday after just breaking down during lunch. 

One of my coworkers is pregnant.  I've done good ignoring it, but it also doesn't help that my coworkers seem to hate me.  So, they have no sensitivity to things.  Before I went to lunch they were just talking and talking about the new baby boy coming and all the plans and the 3-D ultrasounds and everything.... I was stuck in the middle listening.  I finally got up and just went to lunch.  And that's when I just cried....

I even tried calling K Love to talk to one of their pastors... that's how hard it was. 

I thought I was getting better?  But I guess these anniversaries creep up on you unexpectedly and hit you like a boulder.

One year ago, I was actually kinda mad I was having a boy.  I wanted a girl.  I felt so guilty for this after I lost Cameron... thinking that somehow it was my fault.  That I should have never been mad about this little fact.  I just want my little boy back!

I told Eric today that I don't care what we have next time... I'm not going to be picky.  Yet a little part of me wants a boy now... not to replace Cameron... NEVER.  But I guess to see what it would be like to raise a boy since I missed out with Cameron. 

Today they were also having two baby showers at work... both for two people that were expecting boys.  Wow, it's like it's all coming down on me now.  I luckily didn't go in because I don't know what I would have done.  And don't know how much further behind that would have put me.

Just a short note for the time being...

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