No Sleep.

The last several days I have had so much trouble sleeping.  It's five am right now and I'm still awake... luckily I don't work tomorrow, but I wanted to get things done during the day and now it looks like I may crash and sleep later.

Part of the trouble of not being able to sleep is how your mind doesn't sleep either.  It started out by looking up something on my computer and then I saw something titled Journal.  I opened it because I knew it was mine, but didn't remember what I had written.  But I knew it had to do with Cameron.  I opened it and then I remembered.  I started writing it about a week after I came home after delivering Cameron.  I realized that I wanted to remember every single thing possible about his delivery and the days after and in my state of mind at that time, I knew it would be difficult for me later on.

So, I started actually writing on paper from August 28th... when my world went upside down.  Then I moved on to the computer... struggling to remember everything that happened, but typing in chronological order.  Rereading right now... gosh... it was so sad.  And got me so angry again about how some people reacted.  And thankful for my parents.  But mostly sad.  I'm thinking about posting a few things I wrote on here... I had forgotten how much I ached to hold him longer... how much I was wanting to at the funeral home... and how I finally felt like a mom for the first time at the funeral home!  Isn't that crazy?  But they were really... and almost are the only people even NOW, that have treated me like a mother.  That funeral director was so sweet to call Eric several weeks later to see how I was doing and told Eric they had a necklace they wanted to give me.  It was a golden cherub told hold Cameron's ashes.  So sweet of them.

There was one point, and I think I wrote about it in this blog a while back, where Eric and I came home the day after I delivered him and we were laying down and I was almost going to sleep, but woke up suddenly and sat up because Eric grabbed my hand, but I swore that it felt like a baby's hand grabbing mine... it was only Eric, of course... Oh gosh, I was in a such a bad state then.  I didn't think my grief would end. 

It still hasn't.  In the middle of class last week, I suddenly started thinking about Cameron's hands and feet and how they felt.  And I kept trying to remember it... I had to leave class for a bit and cried in the restroom.  I miss him so much... I want to feel him again. 

Here's a snippet of what part of my journal was from the day after I delivered him... I wrote this this about a week after, but it was about that day, September 2, 2011:

There was also a bracelet made with his name Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia out of beads and a paper ruler, I guess to show how big he was… 10 inches.  Also a little book of all this prints and info and bracelets.  My baby.  This box is pretty much all I have of him… isn’t that sad?  He’s my baby and I have him in a box.

When it was time to leave, Leah told me to get my stuff ready… we were getting all the things packed when she came in with a wheelchair.  The closer it was getting time for me to leave, the more I didn’t want to.  How could I?  This hospital was where I spent the only time I would ever be able to spend time with my poor baby.  I will never be able to see him anywhere else, but this hospital.  I felt like I was abandoning him.  I wasn’t supposed to leave the hospital without a baby.  The baby was supposed to come with me… but yet, I have empty arms.  I asked for a moment alone before I left… the nurse somewhat hesitated and told me they would wait outside.  I cried and cried.  I didn’t want to leave…. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!  Not at all!  How could this happen?!  I loved him so much and I couldn’t do anything.  I couldn’t do anything.  I failed.  I couldn’t protect him and now I was leaving him.  This was where I spent the most precious moments of my life… with my precious baby.  And I had to leave it.  I stood by the crib he laid in and touched it and tried to remember everything from the night before.  There was a brown napkin, like the ones from school, in there that had his name on it.  I took it for another momento… I’m grasping at momentos since I have so few… I had so few moments with him to cherish, but I had to cherish all I had.  I looked around the room and tried to grasp the reality of what had happened the night before… I gave birth to my baby in this same room.  I felt like it was a different room, but it wasn’t.  I just cried and cried… I didn’t want to leave.  I went to the door to finally exit and the nurse Leah had already begun opening the door.  This made me more mad also… how can you be rushing me out of here?  Yes, I was as ready as I was going to get to leave, but I didn’t reach for the door yet, Leah did.  I sat down in the chair and Eric put all the things in the back of the chair and got the rest of my items out of the closet and my pillow.  

I was rolled without seeing any of the healthy babies crying, but once I got to the lobby area there was a girl in pajama pants walking around with another girl with her IV thing.  I kept looking at her and just knew that she probably just gave birth to a baby and was happy inside.  I wonder if they knew.  I wonder if they saw my tears and how sad I looked.  I wonder if they wondered why someone was so sad on this floor… afterall, this was the maternity ward… this was a happy place.  All the mommies are supposed to be happy, yet if they looked at me, I was the complete opposite.  Could they guess? 

Another Angel Mom

I've mentioned it before, but I credit so many other angel mom's for being able to function.  I will never say "get over" because I don't think anyone can get over the loss of their child.  The only thing that helped me was reading other mother's experiences and their feelings... I finally felt I wasn't alone.  And I wasn't crazy.  These mom's felt the way I did... unfortunately.

I met someone today at my internship named Jane.  She asked me why I decided to go back to school and I told her about Cameron.  She smiled and said her daughter passed four years ago in a car accident.  She told me about her daughter and how much she missed her and both of us had tears in our eyes.  I'm sure the other guy intern in the back of the car felt a bit uncomfortable!  lol... but he was a trooper and even touched my shoulder and gave me some relief when I told them about my guilt for wanting a girl instead of a boy. 

It amazes me how many women I have come in contact with just in my daily life who has lost their child... One of the other interns also had her son named Andrew six years ago who was born still.  She has a tattoo of of a teddy bear and his name and it was something we could bond over.  I told her about Molly Bears, the organization that makes weighted bears in the weight of your baby that is in heaven.  She said she told her mother about them and thinks she's going to get one.

I was able to ask the other intern questions I hadn't asked anyone else because I haven't met anyone I saw on a daily basis that went through something similar to my experience to get the comfort level to ask questions.  I asked how she answers when people ask how many children she has... she said three, one who passed away and two others.  She said he was here and she acknowledges him.  I felt comfort in that because I always answer one.  I can't fathom denying Cameron's existence and I know it may make others uncomfortable, but that's not my problem.  He's my son and I want to acknowledge him.

Jane, the lady who's daughter had passed four years ago, told me when we said goodbye that it gets easier, but it's not something anyone could get over.  And then sometimes she meets someone like me, and she loves talking about her.  I love talking about Cameron.  When she was telling me about her daughter and her personality and quirks and stuff, I just kept wishing that I had stories like that of Cameron to remember.  All I have is how he looked in my arms... his tiny smirk that reminds me of Eric... his flat tiny feet... his perfect nails and toes.  He was such a beautiful baby that never got to experience life on this earth.

Jane told me that her son had a baby and she sees so much of her daughter in him.  When her daughter was in the car accident, something happened to her heart and her grandson was born with that same defect.  Luckily the grandson is doing good now, but how odd that her grandson was born with the same defect that her daughter had.  She said her grandson is extremely attached to her... makes you wonder.

I don't think I would want Cameron to be reincarnated, if that's even possible.  I want him with my grandma and Puffins in heaven.... I want to see him when I get there.  I don't want to wait any longer once I get to heaven... and I want to see him in his true form.

This is a video I found of Jane's daughter Kara.... it's a tearjerker.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9qoly_r-i-p-kara_people

Reminding myself.

I started this social work program in dedication for Cameron.  And I keep having to remind myself that during these challenging sessions through my internship. 

I am not having the best experience at my field placement.  It's a brand new program starting up that I do not feel is really helping people.  All the suggestions I have made have kinda been shunned and the boss favors two of the other interns.  My field laison from my school talked to them about the issues and now I am feeling retaliation.

I think a lot of it is coming from my work experience.  I've worked since I was 16 and have worked for major corporations and have made a pretty good salary.  And now I'm kinda back at the bottom as an intern.  And I hate being treated like I'm just starting out and a kid.  I'm not, dangit.  I just turned 30!!! 

So during my field training class yesterday, I covered my whole paper with messages to my Cameron and his name, and writing that I am doing this for him.  I keep having to remind myself because otherwise, I think I'd just withdraw.  That's how much I am unhappy over here.  I'm keeping the placement anonymous and all the details pretty broad for confidentiality purposes... but gosh, it's going to be an effort to be there till August.  But for you my baby Cameron!!!  I'm doing it...