I've mentioned it before, but I credit so many other angel mom's for being able to function. I will never say "get over" because I don't think anyone can get over the loss of their child. The only thing that helped me was reading other mother's experiences and their feelings... I finally felt I wasn't alone. And I wasn't crazy. These mom's felt the way I did... unfortunately.
I met someone today at my internship named Jane. She asked me why I decided to go back to school and I told her about Cameron. She smiled and said her daughter passed four years ago in a car accident. She told me about her daughter and how much she missed her and both of us had tears in our eyes. I'm sure the other guy intern in the back of the car felt a bit uncomfortable! lol... but he was a trooper and even touched my shoulder and gave me some relief when I told them about my guilt for wanting a girl instead of a boy.
It amazes me how many women I have come in contact with just in my daily life who has lost their child... One of the other interns also had her son named Andrew six years ago who was born still. She has a tattoo of of a teddy bear and his name and it was something we could bond over. I told her about Molly Bears, the organization that makes weighted bears in the weight of your baby that is in heaven. She said she told her mother about them and thinks she's going to get one.
I was able to ask the other intern questions I hadn't asked anyone else because I haven't met anyone I saw on a daily basis that went through something similar to my experience to get the comfort level to ask questions. I asked how she answers when people ask how many children she has... she said three, one who passed away and two others. She said he was here and she acknowledges him. I felt comfort in that because I always answer one. I can't fathom denying Cameron's existence and I know it may make others uncomfortable, but that's not my problem. He's my son and I want to acknowledge him.
Jane, the lady who's daughter had passed four years ago, told me when we said goodbye that it gets easier, but it's not something anyone could get over. And then sometimes she meets someone like me, and she loves talking about her. I love talking about Cameron. When she was telling me about her daughter and her personality and quirks and stuff, I just kept wishing that I had stories like that of Cameron to remember. All I have is how he looked in my arms... his tiny smirk that reminds me of Eric... his flat tiny feet... his perfect nails and toes. He was such a beautiful baby that never got to experience life on this earth.
Jane told me that her son had a baby and she sees so much of her daughter in him. When her daughter was in the car accident, something happened to her heart and her grandson was born with that same defect. Luckily the grandson is doing good now, but how odd that her grandson was born with the same defect that her daughter had. She said her grandson is extremely attached to her... makes you wonder.
I don't think I would want Cameron to be reincarnated, if that's even possible. I want him with my grandma and Puffins in heaven.... I want to see him when I get there. I don't want to wait any longer once I get to heaven... and I want to see him in his true form.
This is a video I found of Jane's daughter Kara.... it's a tearjerker.