It's been a while since I've updated. School has kept me very busy along with other stuff. I moved this weekend and got a new job a few months ago. I was also interning... so I was extremely busy. But I just talked with someone and needed to get down some thoughts I had:
My wishes for you... Ethan (right now)
1. For you to be healthy
2. For you to be alive
3. For you to get to experience me as your mom in this life.
4. For me to get to hold you and hear you cry and laugh
5. For you to have the best life possible... I will try my best for you
6. For me to be there to see you grow up
7. For Cameron to be watching us and know that I am always thinking of him in everything I do, and I will ensure that you know about your big brother and how you are so lucky to have your big brother as an angel watching over you. Most people don't have that.
8. For Cameron to know that he will always be my first son. And I cannot wait to see him and kiss him and hold him again.
9. For Cameron to know that I will never forget him. You are not replacing Cameron and you never could. You are your own person. And while Cameron may see that I love you and cherish you and give you everything I can all the time... I hope he knows I would have done the same for him. And I try my best in this life to honor him even though he's in heaven.
10. For you to love me.
11. And for me to love you as I love Cameron.
I had bad feelings throughout my pregnancy with Cameron. I haven't had much with this baby, but I'm scared to have good feelings. I am very aware of what can happen and know there is never a "safe" period. I am hoping that in November, I get to come home with my healthy and alive baby in my arms. My rainbow. I hate saying rainbow after the storm, because Cameron was not a storm. But this baby will be a rainbow.