Thursday, December 1, 2011

One Quarter

Three months have gone by today.  In fact, at about this time three months ago, my baby Cameron was just being taken away from me and I would have seen him for the last time...

I never thought I would have been in this situation when I found out I was pregnant in May.  I never thought I'd be here, December 1, 2012, without my baby here physically.  I would have only had about a month left... but instead, three months ago he was born.  He was born without a breath...

Thanksgiving was odd this year... I kept wondering, what should I be thankful for?  How could I be thankful for anything when my baby was gone?  But I was thankful that I at least got to hold him and see how beautiful he was.  I got to touch his tiny hands and feet, and got to have a plaque to memorialize them.

I'm thankful for my family... for helping me and being there for me whenever I needed them.  For coming by almost every night when everything first happened... it was hard for Eric and I to be alone.  We shouldn't have been alone, we should have had a crying baby with us.

There are so many things that have happened "coincidentally."  I'm thankful that I chose to go to that 3D place to get his picture... that they didn't get a good picture so I had to go two weeks later, which put a red flag something was wrong.  Had I had a good picture the first time, I would have never gone back for the rescan and there would have been no indication anything was wrong.  And I would have waited till my next doctors appointment September 2nd, and by then his heart had stopped.  So, I'm so thankful that I went August 27th, because that prompted my emergency visit August 29th where I was able to see my baby alive for the very last time.  August 30th his heart stopped and September 1st, he was born.  All so fast and so sudden.

I never expected my life to change so drastically and so fast.

We booked our wedding venue today at the Crowne Plaza downtown... we planned to sign at the Doubletree two nights ago, but because of a contract change we did not sign there.  But because of that, we found the most beautiful venue and were able to sign for the venue exactly three months after Cameron was born, almost about the same time he was born... 6:13 PM.  On the way to the venue today also, my dad and I passed a street named Cameron, only about two blocks away.  My baby is happy to see his parents marry.  And I hope he is watching down smiling and making all these "coincidences" happen.

Also, for the first time since the first 3D ultrasound, I saw his DVD... this was the first time I felt I could watch it.  I cried and cried... I want him here with me.  I want to hold him and kiss him.  And I just really hope that he can see me.  I know people always say that he's with me, but I really hope that is true.  I hope he knows that I think about him every single day... every single minute.  And I miss him more than anything in the world... and I'd give anything to have him back with me.  I love you, Cameron.

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