Saturday, March 17, 2012
Why? Why did I start writing this?
I started writing this blog when I first found out I was pregnant. I was so excited and never imagined I would even get pregnant. So, I wanted to be sure I documented it. But I slacked. I didn’t update it much at all.
I didn’t update it much at all until I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Being no longer pregnant, you’d think I have a baby in the end. I don’t. I don’t have a baby to hold or feed or cradle or stay up with all night. I have emptiness and heartache instead.
So, this blog took a drastic turn than from what it was supposed to be. I remember trying to come up with a name for it on my first entry. I went through different one’s, but many people already had blogs about their pregnancy with those names. Then I thought, well, hey, my tummy has a baby in it. It’s full of baby! And thought of Belly Full of Baby. That was when I had a strong baby boy tossing and turning in there.
When I lost my baby boy, I turned to the internet for comfort. I never expected to find comfort here. I hadn’t actually visited message boards since I was in middle school! Or blogs! Blogs? What was the point of them? I didn’t know they still existed… I thought it was a thing of the past, in the realm of AOL. But when I came home from the hospital and felt an emptiness I had never felt before… and felt so alone, I found different websites. No one in my life understood how I felt. People compared it to losing their parents or grandparents or people knew of someone it happened to, but this was not the same. People aren’t supposed to lose babies. Not their child.
While I was pregnant, I was always at the What to Expect board and I couldn’t bring myself to visit it anymore… I didn’t want to read about how ecstatic the mom that just found out she was pregnant was. So, I googled… I googled What to Expect Grief. And this led me directly to their grief board, so I didn’t have to navigate through their homepage of baby stuff. This is the first time I realized that I wasn’t alone. And that it happens to so many people. How sad.
I ended up finding most of my comfort at a website called Dailystrength.org. What to Expect wasn’t updated as frequently as I needed… I suspect because mom’s didn’t want to go through the whole website to get to a grief board about losing their baby when everything around them on that website was congratulating them.
Dailystrength.com had a huge, close-knit community. And they responded quickly to posts. They were critical in helping me cope and helping me arrange Cameron’s memorial. Seeing the women’s posts on there spoke to me… they felt what I felt! Things I couldn’t say, they said. Things they felt, I felt. It was sad to see new people on that board… even when I visit it now, I see someone new. People welcome them, but what a group to be welcomed to? It’s a group that wants no new members.
From my google searches, I found people’s blogs about the loss of their children. I saw so many women doing things to remember their children. Helping other mom’s out. Keeping their child’s memory alive. During this time, I was home from work and I was just there. I didn’t feel like watching TV, I didn’t want to listen to music. TV, I just had no interest in. Music was different to me… I knew music would make me sing and it normally made me feel happy… I honestly felt guilty to listen to music. So, I didn’t. I didn’t want to sing. And I wasn’t happy. I don’t think I listened to music until several months later. And when I did, I started listening to Christian music. Christian music gave me more hope… I didn’t feel the complete guilt I felt listening to other music. I felt like the music was speaking to me… trying to help me feel better. I still have mostly only listened to Christian music now.
But while I was home, not doing anything, I spent all my time online. I spent time googling and found women’s blogs about their children. I read them and felt a connection to them. I cried with them. I was trying to figure out how to cope because I didn’t know how to. The first several weeks I spent time making Cameron’s memorial and bookmarks. This was super important to me because this was the only thing I got to really do for him… I felt like it was my gift to him. This was my motherly duty.
During this dark time, I started writing in my blog. I kept the name Belly Full of Baby because I do hope to have another child someday… never to replace Cameron because that’s impossible. He was his own person and I will miss him always. But another child for me to love and raise and care for on this earth. And I know Cameron will be there with us and his brother or sister will know everything they can about Cameron.
I always think how Cameron will always be a baby. He will never grow up, become a teenager or anything… he’s always going to be my baby. Except he’s an extra special baby… he’s an angel.
So, why blog? I started writing in here because I didn’t know what else to do… I didn’t know who else to talk to about it. When I did start talking, I’d cry. I felt better expressing myself through writing… and I cried while I typed, but it was easier for me to just type and not feel someone staring at me feeling sorry for me. I was also thinking that maybe another mom that was going through this would read my blog and maybe know that they are not alone. I wanted to provide the same support I got from other moms online. And most important, I feel like this is my only way of being there for Cameron, almost. I almost feel like I am being his mom by writing this blog and letting people know about him and keeping his name out there. My baby Cameron Conrad.
It’s therapeutic. And I get to keep Cameron through here… and people get to know him through me. And Cameron knows that I am always thinking about him. I hope other mom’s find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone when they read my words. And I hope my friends and family always remember Cameron, my first born.
Some mom’s make things in memory of their child for other moms that have lost their babies, such as handkerchiefs, digital images, scrapbook tags, videos, etc… I want to do something like this, but have no idea what to do… so this is my next project.