Monday, March 5, 2012

The First Bloom

Out of the blue, Eric and I decided to take a weekend trip to Austin last weekend.  I felt that maybe we needed that... my parents have kept encouraging me to do something, but I hadn't felt like it.  I still felt uncomfortable going, but pushed myself and felt like I needed to get out of the house.  We didn't do anything crazy like my previous trips to Austin.  We drove up there Friday, got room service and just relaxed that night.  It was nice. 

The next day we went out early to Ikea and on the way there we saw a sign for the barbeque restaurant the Salt Lick that is always on TV.  Eric has been wanting to try that place for a long time so we took a detour and went there.  Although the food wasn't as good as we were expecting, I looked at Eric and felt an ease all of a sudden.  I told him that I felt that Cameron was glad we were doing this... that I'm glad that we were doing this and felt for the first time Cameron with us.  I had been waiting for feel his presence and hadn't until this moment.  I felt a sense of peace and really felt that Cameron wanted us to do something together like this.

Overall, it was a good trip.  I was set on seeing a comedy show that night because I felt I needed a laugh.  I don't feel I've laughed (like a real laugh) in so long.  And I feel so tense all the time... just like a weight on me all the time.  So, we went to Ester's Follies, a local comedy club in Austin, and then to another one right after that.  It was good to finally laugh and relax.  We then went back to the hotel and got a few drinks at the hotel bar and then fell straight to sleep!  A far cry from my old Austin days.

We headed back to San Antonio on Sunday.  On the way back, I got a text message from my mom of a picture of Cameron's tree.  And there was a flower on it!  It's first flower! 

I felt like this was a sign from Cameron.  A sign telling me that he was happy that I finally did something... finally felt happy... finally felt him with me.  THANK YOU, CAMERON!  I've been waiting for a sign from you and I probably wouldn't have thought much of the flower if I hadn't felt what I felt in Austin.  But because of that, I feel this was you telling me you were happy for us.  Oh, how I miss you, my baby.  I miss you so much.

I went to the tree yesterday, one week from the day I first saw the bloom... and there was a butterfly on one of the blooms (there's two now!).  I never liked butterfly's before.  It grossed me how that they are made from caterpillars.  But now they symbolize something else to me.  I see them and I think of Cameron.  I see how they are reborn and the caterpillars death turned them into something beautiful.  And that butterfly was on that bloom in the picture.  I tried to take a picture of it, but it flew away before I had a chance.  Like my precious baby... he flew away with his angel wings before he even had a chance...

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