I finally left my apartment yesterday, by myself. And it was weird... I remembered the first time I left my apartment by myself after I lost Cameron. I left to finish making Cameron's memorials and bookmarks. I felt so odd... I remember I kept looking at my backseat where the car seat should have been. I remember getting out of my car and feeling like I should have had to carry Cameron with me and his baby bag and whatever else I needed. But instead, it was just me. Alone. Empty handed, except for papers for Cameron's memorial.
I felt a similarity yesterday. I felt alone and almost scared going out by myself. I feel bad for calling in.... although I am under FMLA now. But still... I never ever thought that I'd be calling in for the grief of my son. Never thought I'd be on FMLA for depression. But here I am.
I sent Eric a text message this morning telling him I was feeling bad again and he suggested I take the rest of the week off... only two days, but still. I wrote back to him telling him that I just wanted to feel like I used to, but I guess that's never going to happen. Eric wrote me this back: It may not babe, but at least you know you have many people who love and support you.
Our First Engagement Picture
I loved that he said that. I know I do, but I also know that no one around me truly understands what I'm going through. Nor do I want them to. I don't want anyone to know what this feels like. But I do end up wondering how I'm supposed to have a normal life from now on. I don't know how I'm supposed to go to work everyday and go on like nothings happened.
I hate the question of how are you... hate it. I wanna say that I'm never okay. That I miss my baby. That I hate having to live. That my life will never be great. But instead I just answer with okay.
So, I think I'll be back to work on Monday... I have to. I feel guilt missing work and having the others have to cover for me. But I know for the most part, they understand. Maybe. I think it's hard for people to understand how much this affects someone life. I'm sure one or two people at my work think that it's already been seven months... that I should just move on, but if they think about if they lost their child too, they'd maybe understand. And maybe they'd give me credit for even coming back to work, because that in itself is a feat.