Thursday, March 29, 2012

Another Step Backwards...

I've ended up calling in all this week.  Every night I went to bed thinking I'll go in to work the next day, but the next day comes and I can't get myself to get out of bed.  I end up staying in bed till mid afternoon almost.  Just thinking about Cameron... getting myself lost in a book.... or jut going back to sleep.

I finally left my apartment yesterday, by myself.  And it was weird... I remembered the first time I left my apartment by myself after I lost Cameron.  I left to finish making Cameron's memorials and bookmarks.  I felt so odd... I remember I kept looking at my backseat where the car seat should have been.  I remember getting out of my car and feeling like I should have had to carry Cameron with me and his baby bag and whatever else I needed.  But instead, it was just me.  Alone.  Empty handed, except for papers for Cameron's memorial.

I felt a similarity yesterday.  I felt alone and almost scared going out by myself.  I feel bad for calling in.... although I am under FMLA now.  But still... I never ever thought that I'd be calling in for the grief of my son.  Never thought I'd be on FMLA for depression.  But here I am.

I sent Eric a text message this morning telling him I was feeling bad again and he suggested I take the rest of the week off... only two days, but still.  I wrote back to him telling him that I just wanted to feel like I used to, but I guess that's never going to happen.  Eric wrote me this back:  It may not babe, but at least you know you have many people who love and support you.

Our First Engagement Picture

I loved that he said that.  I know I do, but I also know that no one around me truly understands what I'm going through.  Nor do I want them to.  I don't want anyone to know what this feels like.  But I do end up wondering how I'm supposed to have a normal life from now on.  I don't know how I'm supposed to go to work everyday and go on like nothings happened.

I hate the question of how are you... hate it.  I wanna say that I'm never okay.  That I miss my baby.  That I hate having to live.  That my life will never be great.  But instead I just answer with okay.

So, I think I'll be back to work on Monday... I have to.  I feel guilt missing work and having the others have to cover for me.  But I know for the most part, they understand.  Maybe.  I think it's hard for people to understand how much this affects someone life.  I'm sure one or two people at my work think that it's already been seven months... that I should just move on, but if they think about if they lost their child too, they'd maybe understand.  And maybe they'd give me credit for even coming back to work, because that in itself is a feat.


  1. Have you thought about setting some new life goals. New dreams and aspirations can help with moving one to the next stages of grief.

    Even if it is something as simple as trying a new hair style, or I want to make it my goal to spend time with these people by this date.

    That actually is one of the things I did first. I made a list of friends and family that I wanted to call or visit and I did. It was nice to do things like spend an afternoon at our local art museum with me best friend. We had not done anything alone together in years. I also went to my Grandma's and we did some baking together. I spent an afternoon crafting with my Mom. Just stuff like that...

    Having a reason for living should help get you past these hard days. I know it's so hard when you feel like some days you just want to curl up and die right along with Cameron. I feel that way too from time to time, but the thing is that's not what Cameron would want. He'd want you to live you life, grow emotionally, carry him in your heart, but keep on moving.

    Soon you find a way to balance remembering him and living. You just need to make it your goal.

  2. Hi honey. One thing Ive learned is that this is forever, it softens with time (ugh, I know, time sux) and you intertwine it with your life the best that you can. Even three years after losing my girls, I have my roller coaster still. I also let myself cry at work, if you can do it freely at work, do it, if not, find a place and tell your boss you need a break. I think I cry atleast once a week at work.if something either witha friend or my own situation hits me. Anyway, I hope this helps if even a little, and if u find urself just staying in a deep dark place, its ok to ask for a little pharmaceutical help too....I did, in combination with a psychologist. If you have any questions, send me an email. Big hugs xoxoxo