I Miss Him...

I miss my son.

So much.

I woke up today feeling worse than I have in a while... wanting to relive everything.  I feel bad other days, but today, I feel that emptiness feeling again like I felt those first several weeks... that emptiness that is so raw. 

When I came back from the hospital after delivering Cameron, I started writing a ton on a legal notepad.  I wanted to remember everything.  I wrote everything I could remember from August 29, that Monday, to September 1st... when I held him.  I haven't looked at that notepad since.  I finally pulled it out this morning and read it.  I wanted to relive holding him... to relive delivering him... to relive seeing him for the first and last time.

I loved reading it and remembered how all it felt then.  Oh, how I miss him... oh, how I wish things could change.  Oh, how I wish I had my baby here with me. 

I also started a separate notepad of what was happening in the days after I came home.  I know that one is more depressing and has a lot of the anger I felt toward people those first few days or weeks... I'm not going to read that one yet.  I just wanted to remember my angel today.... remember how I felt with him.  How everything happened so fast... remember how everything transpired so quickly.

It is just terrible knowing that I have to go through the rest of my life without my son by my side.  Or maybe he is here with me, but I can't take care of him and can't hold him.  It's just not the same... I can't share the joys other mom's can with their kids. 

I miss you so much, Cameron.

Today is just a bad day.