Monday, September 17, 2012

. . .

I was, and still am, very indecisive and hesitant about writing this particular blog...

I don't know if this is too personal or something I should keep to myself, but I thought about it more and the more I thought about it, I felt it was important to share.  Especially because of who I write this blog for.  I write this blog for those angel mommies out there.  Those moms that lost their children too soon.  Those that have no one else to relate to in their "real life."

When I first lost Cameron I felt that no one around me understood.  And it was true, no one did.  Until I found an online community of blogs and postings and groups of mothers that felt the same way I did.  They had the same feelings I did... some that I couldn't put into words.  I wasn't alone.  Someone else had to go through the same feelings and understood.

Eric and I found out that we were pregnant last Sunday.  I was scared, but super excited.  Like, beyond excited.  I knew it wasn't a good time.  I know I just started school and we're in a one bedroom apartment now, and we're getting married October 20th.  But I didn't care anymore.  I wanted this baby so much.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Eric was too.  Through all the excitement though, I was scared.  How could I not be after Cameron?

I took about 12 tests... ha, yes, 12!!!  But reason being, half were coming out negative and the other half positive.  I know I was super early in my pregnancy.  I called my doctor first thing in the morning Monday and they sent me for a blood test to confirm.

It was confirmed!  I was pregnant!  Everyone at the office was super excited for me.  They too went through losing Cameron with me and saw my grief.

I immediately downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my phone to start tracking again... our baby was the size of a sesame seed!  I was already talking to him or her, and I had a good feeling about this pregnancy... a cautiously good feeling...  I went online and joined other pregnancy groups and was already looking at taking home outfits and baby picture props and outfits.  I couldn't wait.

I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew I was super early in my pregnancy and because of what happened last time... though with Cameron I was five and a half months pregnant when I delivered him.

Everything seemed to be panning out like it was supposed to.  I was confirmed pregnant, and coincidentally, the house across the street from my parents was for sale, which would be perfect since Eric and I are in school and would need babysitting.  I couldn't wait to hold and kiss this baby.

My doctor had wanted me to take additional blood tests every other day that week, I guess just to confirm the blood levels.  Wednesday was my second one, which I took during lunch.  When I came back from lunch I noticed I was spotting... I started panicking.  I called my doctor's office crying and they told me to come in right away.

Eric picked me up from work and we went to the doctor.  The whole time, everyone around me was telling me that bleeding was sometimes normal during early pregnancy.  I read it online too... gosh, I hoped this was the case.  Please be the case.

The doctor checked me out and even did a sonogram, but because I was so early on, he couldn't see anything.  He stated everything looked normal and good... and he even had a good feeling about this!  He stated my spotting was nothing and some women bleed throughout their whole pregnancy, and I was hardly bleeding.  Not to worry about it.

Whew.... I was so happy and relieved afterwards.  I felt so much better.  Everything was okay!  This baby is going to be okay!  :)

Thursday came and the spotting seemed to be getting more and more... I tried not to worry because the doctor did warn me that I was going to bleed more and heavier.  But I don't know... I just knew something was wrong.  A big clot came, but didn't hurt and didn't stain anything... I didn't know if this was part of the heavy bleeding the doctor had told me about, but I was nervous.

I called my doctor and felt like I was bugging them... I told the nurse who answered that it was me again and I know the doctor told me not to worry and I'm trying not to, but I am bleeding more... though he told me I would... but just wanted to see if they got the blood results back from the day before.  She told me they did and they were sitting on his desk, but it was a super busy morning so he hadn't had a chance to call.  But HE  would call me personally to tell me how they were.

Because the doctor was going to call me personally, I knew.... I just knew something was wrong.  Why would he call me personally?  I was nervous until that call... I was carrying my phone everywhere with me... finally about 1:10 PM, I went to the restroom, and that's when he called me.

I could tell instantly from his voice everything wasn't okay... he told me that he got the blood results back and it didn't look like good news.  He asked if I was bleeding more.  I said yes.  He said yes, my hcg levels came back at a FIVE.  A five!  That's super low... they dropped... a lot.  I was losing the baby... having a miscarriage.  I told him I knew... I had a feeling.  Then I started crying... what is wrong with me?  Why me?  What did I do?  Is this always going to happen?  Am I never going to have a live baby?

He reassured me that this was completely separate than what happened with Cameron.  Completely isolated incident.  Nothing to do with the other.  That a lot of women have miscarriages and most didn't even know they had them, especially this early in the pregnancy.  That I can still have another healthy baby... but he told me that last time and now look...

He told me to expect a lot of cramping in the next week or so... about five to seven days.  And I asked if I was just supposed to act normal... like just keep going to work and school while this is happening.  He said yes, sometimes, depending on the cramping... but because of all I've been through, he would write me a note if I wanted sometime off.  I hung up and cried.

I went to my supervisor at work and told her what happened.  I couldn't stop crying... it hurt so much.... another baby was gone.  Another hope and dream... I went home and cried.  And just laid in bed.  I couldn't do anything, again, to help my baby.  Was it because of stress?  I'm beyond stressed at my job... beyond... was it that, that made me lose this baby?  I kinda think it was... I don't know though... I know everyone will tell me it wasn't, but I think so and if so, it was my fault.  I couldn't protect he or she.

I had school that night too, but emailed my professor about what happened... hey, it's social work, they should understand.  And then I went to sleep.  My friend Melissa was calling me, I guess, but I didn't even hear my phone and even if I did, I don't know that I would have wanted to answer.  I was just wallowing in pain...

I called my friend Breanna and told her what happened... as I told her someone was knocking at my door.... it was Melissa.  She was worried about me since I wasn't answering my phone and even called Eric to find out if I was okay.  I am so thankful to find a friend like her... I have been very unhappy at my job... just so many issues and unfairness with the treatment of people in my particular unit , but I think that I may have been placed in this unit to meet her.   She bought me these flowers and a card:

It was so unexpected and so sweet.

I called in Friday... no way I could go to work.  And went for another blood test that day... still haven't gotten the results back from that one.

And today is Monday, and again, I'm home.  I don't understand how I can go on to work and school while in the process of losing my baby.  It doesn't seem right.

For the most part, I'm okay.  I'm sad, but I'm okay.  I just wish I knew what to expect.  I don't really know how long a miscarriage takes... or if I'm already done with it or if I should expect more... I don't know.  But I guess I'll find out.

This was supposed to be my rainbow baby.  I couldn't wait for my rainbow.  For those that aren't aware of what a rainbow baby is, it's the baby that is born after the loss of child through miscarriage or stillbirth... the rainbow after a storm.  I guess my storm isn't over, but I'll be waiting for my rainbow anxiously.

And Cameron now has company with him in heaven.  And I know he's taking care of his brother or sister.  I miss you my baby Cameron....

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