It Creeps...

I returned back to work for the second time on February 8th.  I was hesitant at first and didn't feel I was up for returning, but knew I had to.  It turned out that I was feeling better than I had since I lost Cameron.  I felt good for once.  I felt energetic.  I felt, dare I say, somewhat happy.  And I didn't feel guilty for it, for once.  But the whole time, I had Cameron on my mind.  I think before, I started worrying that I was forgetting him because I wasn't thinking of him every single second like I used to... I was still thinking of him about every minute, but not every second.  At that point, I was still in a depressed state.  Now, I was feeling almost like myself again, but I really had him on my mind every second.  I liked it.  I felt like this was how I was supposed to be living now... this was my new normal, as other moms refer to it.

I saw this and thought it explained things perfectly...

Then yesterday happened.  Well, let me start off by saying that although I felt "my new normal" that I was happy with, I started having dreams.  Of Cameron.  I hadn't had dreams of him since I lost him.  I was always hoping to, but still hadn't.  This last week I have had dreams of him... well, somewhat.  But my dreams were of me crying and sad and looking for my baby.  I was just extremely sad in my dreams.  It was almost like I was okay in the outside, but my dreams were telling me that I really wasn't.

I woke up yesterday actually feeling that sadness again... feeling like I wanted to stay in bed and just mourn again.  But I knew I couldn't.  I was tempted though... I knew I had to get up and go to work.  Yesterday was exactly two weeks since I returned.  It's almost like, how am I really supposed to go on with my life without disturbing others around me?  I'm disturbing my work, my co-workers, my manager, because of me taking off so often... but I needed the time off... but why?  Because my child died... That shouldn't be the case.. that should have never happened.

So, I ended up getting dressed, going to work, and I did feel better again.  I was laughing and smiling and was there again.  I started a new duty at work and am learning the process of it.  I actually like it a lot.  I'm glad I'm doing it now, but all of a sudden I started getting very, very stressed.  I have been working since I was 16 years old, 13 years.  I have never cried on a job from stress... I have never been overwhelmed while on the job and panicked... and I worked at USAA as a Claims Adjuster!  Haha...  But all of a sudden here, I felt the tears coming and felt like I couldn't handle it and couldn't breathe and just felt so frustrated and couldn't stop the tears.  I don't know what happened, but it was terrible.  On top of that, I was also handling drama with Eric and his kids and the visitation, so I think it was all those things combined... but I know in the back of my mind, it's Cameron.

I hadn't felt the grief in about two weeks or so.... but I did in my dreams.  And I think it was just manifesting itself within me and then it just creeped out throughout the day yesterday.  Melissa, a co-worker at work, had gone to my desk after I came back from lunch, and that's the beginning of when it started... she could tell I was panicking and the tears kinda started.  She tried to calm me down, which did kind of work.  But then we went to the backroom for the job and something went wrong back there (it really was nothing though, I think I was already on the brink), and I started tearing up again.  We went back to our desks and I was okay again for a few minutes, but then I just couldn't stop crying.  I ended up clocking out and leaving an hour and a half early and just went home to bed to sulk.

It's soon to be six months since I lost my baby... since I held his tiny body.  It seems long, but it's not.  How long will it have to be to get over the loss of my son?  I feel guilty because it now seems to be affecting my work, when it shouldn't.  I've missed so much work already to sort of recover (but how do you recover from this?) and I'm now back, but it still shows up randomly.

I think the medication has helped... I think the time off from work has helped.  I was off the normal six weeks from delivery that they give to all moms... but that didn't account for moms that couldn't bring their babies home.  Or bought their babies home in an urn.  The additional four weeks off later did help.  And I love my job... I love the company I work for and I take pride in doing a good job.  I've always been like that... so it did really affect me yesterday when I had to leave early because I couldn't stop crying.

Is this my new normal???  I sure hope not...

March For Babies

I had heard of March for Dimes, but never knew exactly what it was.  There was a meeting at work which I wasn't invited to.  I asked my lead why and she told me she just thought it was too sensitive a subject for me.  I accepted her answer and thanked her.  I really did accept it.  I trusted that she knew what I should or should not be around and decided it probably was for the best.  Two days later we had a meeting and a girl in my unit had a pin on her sweater for March for Babies... throughout the meeting I couldn't stop staring at it.  I kept thinking of Cameron, of course.  But still didn't know exactly what it was for.

I then got an e-mail later that day telling me what March for Babies was about and I couldn't wait to join.  I've felt this need to get involved with anything I can to help other parents, mom's, babies, that have gone through something like this.  That have lost their child.  So, I signed up.  Please visit my page at http://www.marchforbabies.com/4cameron.  And if you feel compelled to do so, please make a donation.  Any donation of any size will make a difference and will be greatly appreciated.

One day.  One day I hope to have another baby and be able to hear them cry and feel the warmth of their skin... not the coldness of a babies skin.  I'll never forget the coldness of Cameron's feet and hands.  My  baby was so cold.  One day I hope to give birth to one of Cameron's healthy brother's or sisters.  And I'm working on doing that.  I'll be walking on April 14, 2012 at Sea World and I'll be praying the entire time for some day to end all stillbirths.  Maybe one day in my life time... and I will work at this in honor of my angel, Cameron.  Because of Cameron, I am doing this.  Because of him, I am trying to help other babies and other parents.  Because of him, he's changed my life for the better.  I feel so lucky to have an angel looking out for me... my own personal angel.

So, please think about donating to my cause... help me reach my goal in honor of my baby.  Or your baby, if you are one of the unfortunate ones to have to go through this also.  I'll be walking in your babies honor too.

Living

Tomorrow I return to work.  I know I need to because we have bills to pay and are saving for a house and our wedding... but I'm so scared to go back.  I know many people do not understand this... I wouldn't want anyone to understand this.  This is something that no one should have to go through.  It's hard to explain, but I feel uncomfortable being around people at work... and feel uncomfortable even working.  I feel like I'm living when I shouldn't be.  Cameron should be here and he should be living... how is it fair that I am?  I feel like I'm having to do something that's forced... to live as if nothing has happened.  As if my child didn't die.  And just keep going on with my life... how?  How is that possible? 

I came to the realization that I will never get over this.  How can I?  I know that even in the happiest moment, there's always a tinge of sadness because Cameron is missing out.  I know that even when I have my rainbow baby, there will never be a complete ease or happiness because I know that their brother is not here to celebrate with us as a family.  It's hard to want to live knowing all this.  I read about a seven month old baby that the parents found dead yesterday in their home because they didn't have a heater... this is in San Antonio.  I felt so sad and started crying after reading the article.  I felt so terrible for that poor baby.  And I know this sounds crazy, but I start thinking that I wonder if Cameron was there to welcome that baby... that maybe all baby's are together and help them transition.  I would have been a great mom.  I would have protected him and loved him and made sure that he was safe... and I don't even have that chance.

I think about holding him in the hospital.  How I wish I could go back to that day and deliver him again... even as painful as labor was!  And I wish I didn't have any drugs to cloud my mind... had I known that those drugs they gave me would have made me feel groggy and make it difficult to remember some things, I would have never said yes to the drugs.  I only had a few hours with my baby and to know that my memory is cloudy from those drugs and that I can't even remember a few moments of the few hours I had with him kills me.  He's my baby and I only had about three hours with him... and I wasn't even holding him the whole time. What was I thinking?  I don't remember the baptism... But I do remember holding him and touching his little hands and perfect feet... and thinking how beautiful he was.  He was so beautiful... so beautiful.  I miss him more than words can ever express.  I think about the weeks after I had Cameron and how I was having to bind myself because of the breast milk coming in... my body was telling me that he was supposed to be here, but he wasn't.  Everything was telling me that he was supposed to be here... telling me it wasn't supposed to be like this.  That this was wrong.

So, tomorrow I start going back to life... however that is.  I start going back to living as if everything is okay... living a lie.  I need a change.  But in the meantime, I'll be going back to work and making the best of it as I can.  It just hurts being there... that's where I got the call that changed my life forever.  All my co-workers were with me as I was excited about becoming a mommy and touching my stomach as it grew.  And they were there when it all ended so suddenly.  Their life goes on and is the same, but mine isn't.