Friday, February 24, 2012

It Creeps...

I returned back to work for the second time on February 8th.  I was hesitant at first and didn't feel I was up for returning, but knew I had to.  It turned out that I was feeling better than I had since I lost Cameron.  I felt good for once.  I felt energetic.  I felt, dare I say, somewhat happy.  And I didn't feel guilty for it, for once.  But the whole time, I had Cameron on my mind.  I think before, I started worrying that I was forgetting him because I wasn't thinking of him every single second like I used to... I was still thinking of him about every minute, but not every second.  At that point, I was still in a depressed state.  Now, I was feeling almost like myself again, but I really had him on my mind every second.  I liked it.  I felt like this was how I was supposed to be living now... this was my new normal, as other moms refer to it.

I saw this and thought it explained things perfectly...

Then yesterday happened.  Well, let me start off by saying that although I felt "my new normal" that I was happy with, I started having dreams.  Of Cameron.  I hadn't had dreams of him since I lost him.  I was always hoping to, but still hadn't.  This last week I have had dreams of him... well, somewhat.  But my dreams were of me crying and sad and looking for my baby.  I was just extremely sad in my dreams.  It was almost like I was okay in the outside, but my dreams were telling me that I really wasn't.

I woke up yesterday actually feeling that sadness again... feeling like I wanted to stay in bed and just mourn again.  But I knew I couldn't.  I was tempted though... I knew I had to get up and go to work.  Yesterday was exactly two weeks since I returned.  It's almost like, how am I really supposed to go on with my life without disturbing others around me?  I'm disturbing my work, my co-workers, my manager, because of me taking off so often... but I needed the time off... but why?  Because my child died... That shouldn't be the case.. that should have never happened.

So, I ended up getting dressed, going to work, and I did feel better again.  I was laughing and smiling and was there again.  I started a new duty at work and am learning the process of it.  I actually like it a lot.  I'm glad I'm doing it now, but all of a sudden I started getting very, very stressed.  I have been working since I was 16 years old, 13 years.  I have never cried on a job from stress... I have never been overwhelmed while on the job and panicked... and I worked at USAA as a Claims Adjuster!  Haha...  But all of a sudden here, I felt the tears coming and felt like I couldn't handle it and couldn't breathe and just felt so frustrated and couldn't stop the tears.  I don't know what happened, but it was terrible.  On top of that, I was also handling drama with Eric and his kids and the visitation, so I think it was all those things combined... but I know in the back of my mind, it's Cameron.

I hadn't felt the grief in about two weeks or so.... but I did in my dreams.  And I think it was just manifesting itself within me and then it just creeped out throughout the day yesterday.  Melissa, a co-worker at work, had gone to my desk after I came back from lunch, and that's the beginning of when it started... she could tell I was panicking and the tears kinda started.  She tried to calm me down, which did kind of work.  But then we went to the backroom for the job and something went wrong back there (it really was nothing though, I think I was already on the brink), and I started tearing up again.  We went back to our desks and I was okay again for a few minutes, but then I just couldn't stop crying.  I ended up clocking out and leaving an hour and a half early and just went home to bed to sulk.

It's soon to be six months since I lost my baby... since I held his tiny body.  It seems long, but it's not.  How long will it have to be to get over the loss of my son?  I feel guilty because it now seems to be affecting my work, when it shouldn't.  I've missed so much work already to sort of recover (but how do you recover from this?) and I'm now back, but it still shows up randomly.

I think the medication has helped... I think the time off from work has helped.  I was off the normal six weeks from delivery that they give to all moms... but that didn't account for moms that couldn't bring their babies home.  Or bought their babies home in an urn.  The additional four weeks off later did help.  And I love my job... I love the company I work for and I take pride in doing a good job.  I've always been like that... so it did really affect me yesterday when I had to leave early because I couldn't stop crying.

Is this my new normal???  I sure hope not...

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