Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Tomorrow I return to work.  I know I need to because we have bills to pay and are saving for a house and our wedding... but I'm so scared to go back.  I know many people do not understand this... I wouldn't want anyone to understand this.  This is something that no one should have to go through.  It's hard to explain, but I feel uncomfortable being around people at work... and feel uncomfortable even working.  I feel like I'm living when I shouldn't be.  Cameron should be here and he should be living... how is it fair that I am?  I feel like I'm having to do something that's forced... to live as if nothing has happened.  As if my child didn't die.  And just keep going on with my life... how?  How is that possible? 

I came to the realization that I will never get over this.  How can I?  I know that even in the happiest moment, there's always a tinge of sadness because Cameron is missing out.  I know that even when I have my rainbow baby, there will never be a complete ease or happiness because I know that their brother is not here to celebrate with us as a family.  It's hard to want to live knowing all this.  I read about a seven month old baby that the parents found dead yesterday in their home because they didn't have a heater... this is in San Antonio.  I felt so sad and started crying after reading the article.  I felt so terrible for that poor baby.  And I know this sounds crazy, but I start thinking that I wonder if Cameron was there to welcome that baby... that maybe all baby's are together and help them transition.  I would have been a great mom.  I would have protected him and loved him and made sure that he was safe... and I don't even have that chance.

I think about holding him in the hospital.  How I wish I could go back to that day and deliver him again... even as painful as labor was!  And I wish I didn't have any drugs to cloud my mind... had I known that those drugs they gave me would have made me feel groggy and make it difficult to remember some things, I would have never said yes to the drugs.  I only had a few hours with my baby and to know that my memory is cloudy from those drugs and that I can't even remember a few moments of the few hours I had with him kills me.  He's my baby and I only had about three hours with him... and I wasn't even holding him the whole time. What was I thinking?  I don't remember the baptism... But I do remember holding him and touching his little hands and perfect feet... and thinking how beautiful he was.  He was so beautiful... so beautiful.  I miss him more than words can ever express.  I think about the weeks after I had Cameron and how I was having to bind myself because of the breast milk coming in... my body was telling me that he was supposed to be here, but he wasn't.  Everything was telling me that he was supposed to be here... telling me it wasn't supposed to be like this.  That this was wrong.

So, tomorrow I start going back to life... however that is.  I start going back to living as if everything is okay... living a lie.  I need a change.  But in the meantime, I'll be going back to work and making the best of it as I can.  It just hurts being there... that's where I got the call that changed my life forever.  All my co-workers were with me as I was excited about becoming a mommy and touching my stomach as it grew.  And they were there when it all ended so suddenly.  Their life goes on and is the same, but mine isn't.

1 comment:

  1. I hope work was gentle on you today...I hope you can find a quiet place somewhere when you need to go sob....this is HARD, I dreaded returning to work, but they were all very understanding thankfully, and I cried (and still do) at my desk for weeks. Many thoughts are with you...my heart aches with your words, I know honey, I know...xoxoxo Nan