Monday, January 30, 2012

I Got Out!

Before the pregnancy, I was a "going out" person.  Albeit, not as much as I was when I was younger, but I enjoyed going out with friends and to bars and just hanging out with people.  Of course during the pregnancy, I didn't go to any bars or drink or anything.  But even since then, I haven't felt like doing anything.  I went out a few months ago again, but just to small place... I no longer felt like being around crowds anymore, and if I were to go out, I wanted it to be very low-key.

I've been home from work since about January 9th or so.  I had also started Prozac since then.  Only a small dosage, but I started getting sleepy since taking it and became even more of a homebody.  It seems that although I am starting to feel better most of the time (like not always feel sad all the time), I'm also feeling like being by myself more and more and just not even wanting to go out.  The counselor recommended that maybe I lower my Prozac dosage even more by taking it every other day, so I have.  It's only been a few days so still hard to tell if that is going to make a difference, but I hope it does.  I'm just afraid to stop taking it now because I don't want to feel that unbelievable sadness again.  I was constantly thinking of Cameron all the time... and missing him and longing for him.  I feel guilty to say that I'm not thinking of him every minute anymore... but now I just feel kinda here.  I, of course, still think about him constantly throughout the day, but it's not every single second anymore.  

Well, my friend Adriana invited me out last week to a local club.  I hadn't been to a club in about a year... it wasn't my thing anymore and it's just too crowded for me now... plus, I'm usually sleepy!  But I agreed this last Thursday to go out with her.  And I'm glad I did!  Maybe that's what I need sometimes?  Just to get out and relax?  But I don't know... I still felt out of place there.

Adree and I

I've changed so much... I know I've grown these last several months.  How could I not have?  But I feel out of place and not like myself at places that used to be me.  It's weird.  Even now, I usually like going to work.  I really don't mind going there... not like at my previous job at USAA!  haha.... so it's not like me to not want to go back right now.  I'm confused by it because I'm usually relishing to go back... and I know I need to.  But I still feel like just secluding myself and staying in, even though I feel somewhat better.  Yes, I know it's a huge contradiction, but it is what it is, I guess.

I guess the best way to explain it is that I feel like a shell of myself now.  I feel like myself... I"m still here, but I'm not.  I'm different.  I also keep thinking of all the dreams I used to have... I wanted to be a lawyer my whole life and actually went to law school!  But then quit.  At that time, I wasn't happy there.  Being a lawyer wasn't what I expected and it was expensive!  I couldn't imagine putting myself in that much debt knowing that many that graduated weren't making it up in salary.  And I just didn't have the motivation at all... which if you know me, that is completely not like me!  When I want something, I don't lose motivation for it!  But with that other memo I was having to do for my legal analysis class, I just could never get up the motivation to do it.  I hadn't felt like that before.  

So, since being a lawyer was what I planned for my whole life, there's another part of myself I lost in that... what else was I supposed to do?  I went from being a pilot to teacher to real estate agent... just one extreme to another.  But because of Cameron, I know I want to be a counselor to help other parents that have gone through losing their child and keep Cameron's memory alive in that.  Maybe Cameron passing was showing me what I should do for the rest of my life... but gosh, that can't be it and I hope it wasn't.  That means Cameron dying was in vain to show ME what to do for myself.  I just can't accept that.  But maybe it was to help others in this situation... I like that reasoning better, although I wish I had him here more.

For now, I have to start prepping myself to go back to work... but it still seems impossible.  I know I need to though because we're running low on funds and I need to contribute to this household also!  I feel very lucky to have Eric in my life... he's been supportive and trusts me.  I just need to trust myself about this grief process and how I am handling it.  Not easy though.

No comments:

Post a Comment