It's confusing for me... It's been almost seven months. It doesn't seem that long, but then again, it does. By now, I'm normally feeling okay, but out of the blue, sudden sadness overwhelms me. And even though I feel "okay" for the most part, I find that I'm way more sensitive to things now. While before I didn't allow things to bother me at work, I now take offense to a lot of things and can't control my emotions anymore. My counselor said it a really good way... that after I had Cameron, I wasn't able to live a normal life... I was just grieving and crying... I couldn't live outside and only smiled a few times... it's a parallel universe for me. But now, it's the opposite. My parallel has changed to where I am living now... I am living and going on with my life, but there's the other parallel of my grief. Still there and still hurting and still unchanging.
I'm fragile. When I have these breakdowns, it's a sudden reminder that I'm not myself anymore. Or am, by myself is different. I've changed. I'm a different person now. I'm fragile.
I don't want to be fragile... I'm not the fragile type. And I'm not the argumentative type at work... I am at home! lol, but not at work. And I find myself fighting back at work a lot now. I think it's just because things are aggravating me more and more... I'm just not the same. And as I used to ignore things that aggravated me at work before, now I don't.
I started feeling depressed this weekend... and I woke up this morning holding my arms, as if I was cradling Cameron in my arms... like I was holding him in the hospital. Hoping to relive that moment. Hoping to remember his little face in arms. But it doesn't work and it's just sad and frustrating. It's not fair. It's not fair that my baby died. It's not fair that other women have pregnancies and have their crying baby at the end. It's not fair that I have an urn in place of my baby. It's not fair that I'm not waking up and holding him everyday... that I'm not kissing him and not dressing him and looking at him. It's not fair that so many other women do that so easily and I can't. And I wanted it so much.
Why??? I'll never get an answer. There will never be a good enough answer. I want to be with him so much. I think how much longer I have... I'll probably live till 80 or something, and why? Why do I have to wait another 50 years to see my baby? IT's like very day is dragging on all the time... and it doesn't get easier.
This blog is to remember him... to honor him. But I don't want to remember him! I shouldn't have to remember my son! He should be here alive... a baby shouldn't be a memory. It's just not right.
I know it's not Eric's fault, but I find myself resenting that he already has two alive children... and the child he had with me is gone. So, I know he only has to worry about them... there's no way Cameron can be on his mind that much because he's not here. He has to worry about his two children on earth. I resent it. Even though Eric is here for me and is the closest person to me to understand what I'm feeling, he can't understand completely because he has his two kids here. He gets to see them laugh and smile and cry and hug them. And I don't even have that chance with mine. I never got to hear how Cameron sounded when he cried... I never got to see him smile at me. I don't know what that feels like to hear my child cry for the first time... or see him smile.
I was with my bridesmaid's this weekend and played this game called Loaded Questions. One of them was asking who I would choose to have dinner with... I chose God. I chose God because I need to know why he would choose to do this. Why he would choose to allow someone to live and mourn so much over the loss of their child. Why he would put anyone through this. I need answers.
((HUGS)) It is not fair and I am so sorry you have to live with this tragic loss. I am always praying to God to tell me why so I can give all the BLM answers to why they babies went to live in Heaven. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteBig ((hugs)).
ReplyDeleteAt this point the only "reason" I've found is so that we can be there for the next person who has to deal with a loss, and those that possible already have had a loss.
After I lost Eleanna. There were several ladies from my church who called to give me comfort and told me their stories of loss. Some had their losses over 40+ years ago... I could see in their faces that my situation brought back lots of felling for them, but their comforting words were such a blessing to me. I could also see that some of them were very pleased that I had so many keepsakes from Eleanna. A couple said they never held or even saw their babies. It's women like them who made changes for those who have come after them. They have made it possible for us to openly talk about our loss and help society start to get past the taboo of it all. I can't help but, think that has to be part of the reason. Now, do I think that it's enough of a reason...no...do I think that's the total reason...no...do I keep searing for a reason...yes.
At my support group meeting last wee there was a new Mom there. She lost her son on March 3. She is still blaming her self, etc. I told her if you your turn your focus to finding any good thing that could have possible come from your loss it changes your perspective.
Me knowing that I can help someone else even just a little bit helps me too.
Keep searching for those good reason. Look hard into your situation...and pick out those things about Cameron that brought you Joy, and even though the hurt, the missing him, the wanting him, and the pain will not be gone. You will find just that bit of happiness that will get you though to the next day.
Again big ((hugs)). I'm here if you need me...
Thanks, Rachel - yes, I've thought of that, maybe so I can be there for other mom's that have gone through this. But then I think more and I think why there should be any mom's that HAVE to go through this.
DeleteHow long has it been since you lost Eleanna?
I did run into a mom that was never able to hold her baby and I couldn't imagine that. I am so grateful I got to hold him and touch him. I don't know how I would have dealt with it had I not held him at all.