The Realization of Mondays...

I wrote a couple of posts ago about Monday's always being hard for me.  I wasn't sure if it was just from being home all weekend and thinking about everything... and then it just went over to Monday also.  I still think that may be part of it, but after posting my issue on dailystrength.org (which is such a great resource for all Angel Mom's!), some mom's responded with their hard days.  Many stated their hard days corresponded to something significant that happened with their angel babies... whether that was when they found out something was wrong, their baby's heart stopped, the delivery date of their baby, etc. 

I don't know why I didn't realize it, but August 29th, the day that changed my life, was a Monday.  I went to work as I always did... Eric kissed my stomach as I left that morning telling the baby inside me that he loved him, as he always did.  I was at my desk at work and my cousin Elissa was e-mailing me about my baby shower plans.  I was writing down a guest list when all of a sudden my phone at my desk rang.  I saw my doctors name on the Caller ID.  I answered cheerfully and he told me hello.  His next question if I had seen an ultrasound specialist this past weekend.  That question told me something was wrong... how did he know?  Did I do something wrong?  He told me he had gotten a call from her this morning... Oh, no... and she felt there may have been some abnormalities with the baby.  This was Monday morning.

It makes sense now why Monday's are hard for me.  Especially at the same location and everything.  It's a reminder all the time.  A reminder of that morning... of me running out of there, standing in front of the office crying on the phone.  A reminder of waiting in that high risk specialist doctor's office wondering how we got there.  Believing that this was all a mistake.  Believing that 3D doctor didn't know what she was talking about.  I saw his picture on the screen... I saw his heartbeat.  He was okay!  This was all a mistake.  But no, it wasn't. 

How crazy how everything can change so quickly.... how someone's whole life can change so quickly and drastically. 

Pic from our engagement session... with blue balloon to represent our Cameron

I'm sure one day Monday's will get easier for me... I thought they had a while back, but it just creeps and creeps back up like a bulldozer.  It doesn't seem to be getting easier.  I guess that's depression.  Never thought I'd be one to be depressed... but I am.  And I'm okay with it.  I just hate that it's affecting my life so much.  I hate that I'm missing work sometimes due to this.  But again, I'm trying to be okay with it.  Everyone else there has their children at home... I'm the only one that has my baby at home, but in an urn. 

I miss you so much Cameron... I love you.