THANK YOU

A huge thank you to those that did kind things in Cameron's name... you'll never know how much it means to me. I loved that Cameron's stocking was full to the brim of cards and notes, to the point where it was hard to stuff some things in it.  I know Cameron appreciated it, as did I.  Things like that show me who is really there for me and who really cares a lot.  So, thank you to my parents, my brothers, Yolanda, Breanna, Adrienne, Aunt Mary, Stephanie, Uncle Robert, Elissa, and Elva.  It was absolutely beautiful reading how others were made happy in my baby's name.

Christmas wasn't as sad as I thought it'd be. But I think it helped because some of my family came over, like my cousin and her daughter, Chelsey. Otherwise, I think it would have been depressing. We hadn't had a family celebration in several years.... but they knew I needed it now and I was able to open the gifts of kindness for Cameron... everyone was supportive and Cameron was not forgotten at my parents house at all. It was something I really enjoyed that I hope we continue to keep doing.

These last two days have been a little sad for me... but a different kind of sadness. I felt it yesterday at work... and then I went to lunch and considering just going home from there because I just felt a heaviness within me. It's a different kind of sadness because I'm not outwardly crying a ton like I had previously been. Although I did shed a tear or two at work yesterday. Luckily, my coworkers understand. I have been trying to find another position within my company and interviewed last week, but I feel that my attendance will be an issue and not allow me to get the position. I just feel I need a change... I like my job now and love my boss here, but I think that because everything happened in this same unit with the same people and everything, that makes it more difficult for me. I need a complete change to kind of start over...

But I woke up today and took a shower getting ready for work and I still feel sad. I'm not crying though, but I feel like I can't smile and just want to go to bed. It's like I just want to sleep and sleep instead of doing anything. I looked at Cameron's pictures and touched his footprints... he was so beautiful. And then I think of right now I would have been huge... I would have been due next weekend. Instead of a blow-up mattress in the next room, there would have been a crib there with a rocking chair and dresser full of his tiny clothes. And a bassinette right next to me right now... but instead there's a messy room, with a desk full of papers and a blow-up mattress in the middle of the room. And next to me is my dresser with dirty clothes on the floor. It shouldn't have been like this. I was supposed to by a crib and be anticipating my baby's arrival. He arrived, but not how any parent wants.

So, is it progress that I'm not crying a ton like I did before? That instead I'm just feeling the sadness? I don't know... I want to smile... I want to be happy and instead I can't. Instead I feel that something is missing.... I feel a permanent frown on my face.... I feel my heart hurting. It literally hurts. I smile to others, but it's always just an act now... I don't feel smiley.... it's more of a habit. Maybe I'm not crying because of the Prozac the doctor has me on? I don't know.... I think it's better that I'm not. But I still feel sad... so, it's almost like it's hidden now. The tears gave some outward indication of how I felt inside, but now there's none, but I still feel the same.

I know it sounds like a broken record, but I miss my son. I miss my baby. I want him here with me. I want to hold him and kiss him and feel his tiny hands and feet again. All you parents out there, do not take your baby for granted.... the simplest things such as just touching their fingers are something that I only got to do once.

Hanging an Angel

Remember that angel I met on my post Angels Everywhere.  I met her again.

She remembered to invite me to the hanging of angel ceremony she told me about at the funeral home.  I was hoping she didn’t forget.  She provided me so much comfort at that time… she was the first person I had met, in person, that had gone through what I did.  I had been waiting for the invitation in the mail and when I saw it, I was so excited for the opportunity to go.  I knew I wanted to get her something too and I was hoping to get her something with her daughter, Erika's, name on it.  I got the invitation too late to custom make anything, but I was able to find a beautiful cross at a Christian store that had a glass that resembled a tear in the middle of it.  I don’t remember what the cross had exactly inscribed on it, but it was perfect.  It said something like, "A thousand tears remind me that you're still here."  Something like that.

Eric and I were rushing to get there on time… I wish I hadn't rushed.  When I finally got there, I felt like I wasn't able to fully appreciate what was going on because I was so jumbled.  But we walked in and the first person I saw was her.  She smiled and said, "Candice! I was hoping you'd remember.  I did."  She hugged me.  Of course I remembered.  I remembered how much her daughter still meant to her after 31 years.  How she still visits her resting place.  How she had tears in her eyes from thinking of her daughter.  How I felt knowing that Cameron will still be my son and still be my baby 31 years from now. 

I handed her the bag with her gift in it, along with one of Cameron's bookmarks.  She said I didn't have to, but I responded with I wanted to.  She led me to the paper angels they had where we could write our message to Cameron and hang it on a beautiful tree at the end of the aisle in the room.  My parents were already sitting in the pews.  I wrote my message to Cameron:

Everyone in the room gathered around the tree and said a prayer and some hymns.  Eric pointed out a red ornament that had Cameron's name written on it in permanent marker.  How nice, I thought… how sweet.  My mom tapped me from behind and told me that she did that. 

Then there were more… my mom tapped me again and showed me the one she wrote to him and the one my dad wrote and the one my little brother, Andrew, wrote…

Gosh… how did it come to this?  How are we here praying for my baby, but he's not here?  How could he be gone from me?  It makes me happy seeing how my parents write Grandma or Grandpa… yes, he was your grandchild.  And this is not how we should be loving him… we should be treasuring him in person… we should be hearing him cry and all holding him and staring at him.  Not memorializing him.  I looked at the other ornaments on the tree… many were for mom's and dad's and grandma's and grandpa's.  And then there was Cameron's… a baby.  And Erika's… a baby.  Those did not fit in there with the grandma's and grandpa's.  They were just babies.  They had a life to live.  They had parents that loved them and wanted them and cry for them and hurt for them.  But instead, they're not with their parents… they're somewhere we can't see or hold them.

Cameron has a lot of love.  He would have been the most treasured baby in the world.  I really hope I can see him one day.  I miss him more than words can express… my heart is always hurting.  Heal?  Not possible.

Michelle Dugger lost her baby… she was about the same length I was.  She named her daughter Jubilee.  They kept calling it a miscarriage and it wasn't.  I looked at the comments on some news website, just to see if some people corrected them… and that was such a mistake.  People are so cruel and evil.  This was her baby.  How dare someone judge until you've been through it yourself.  And then TMZ posted pictures of her daughter… and they mocked it.  Saying how disgusting that was and weird to take a picture of your dead fetus or something… wow.  I had to read the comments and people are just so ignorant and disgusting.  There were some that came to their defense.  This was her child!!!  This was her baby!  She was a part of this family!  They have a right to take pictures of their daughter.  That is the only way they will be able to see her again.  So, shame on people that judge someone that has gone through probably the most traumatic experience of their life… And shame on TMZ for posting them without their permission.  I just needed to get that out there because I felt terrible for her.  Yes, she has 19 kids, but that is still her child and one they were looking forward to and celebrating.  She now has 20 children.  I hope people acknowledge that.

I find the one thing that I crave all the time is for people to acknowledge Cameron.  Acknowledge he was my baby, I'm a mom, and he is loved.  He will always be a part of my family and I want to shout that from the rooftop to everyone!  He's my first born boy and I love him more than anything in this world.

Such a Short Time, Such a Long Road

That lyric from I Will Carry You stands out to me so much, along with so many other lyrics in that song.  It was such a short time... I had five months, one week, and four days that I had with my angel, Cameron.  Yet, it's such a long road ahead.  The road doesn't seem to be getting easier either.  It's a rocky road... that seemed to be manageable a few weeks ago, but now it's gotten to the jagged parts.

I went to work yesterday, but it was hard.  I found myself crying several times at my desk and trying to keep it discreet.  I have the most amazing manager though... and I feel very lucky to be working in this unit at this company.  I don't know if I would have had this support anywhere else... well, I know I wouldn't have had this at Travelers.  Although I loved that company, I know there would be no understanding there.  I woke up this morning, yearning to go to work since I hate missing, but I couldn't.  I just kept replaying all the events that happened up until September 1, 2011... how I was paranoid the whole pregnancy.  Before every doctor visit, I was always nervous they wouldn't hear a heartbeat, although I had no reason to be.  But I was.  And Eric would always reassure me that there would be one... and there was August 29th, but it wasn't a strong heartbeat.  And on August 31st, there was none.

I remembered how I read tons of pregnancy books and all those books reassured me my fears of something happening were just that... fears.  That after 12 weeks, I was pretty much in the safe zone and less than 1% of pregnancies turn out badly... and it somewhat worked... I was reassured, but I still didn't feel right.  I kept worrying I wouldn't hear that heartbeat on my next visit.  And who knew I'd be part of that 1%?  I think it's a lot more than 1% now that I'm part of this awful elite groups of moms.  There are too many out there.

Then those dreams of my baby being a puppy... people said all pregnant women have those dreams, but these were more... more than I realized at that moment.  One dream I actually asked the doctor why they couldn't tell something was wrong from the ultrasound.  Was my baby trying to tell me something?  Eric even said that I was talking in my sleep at the hospital asking where my puppy was... where my baby was.

There's been coincidences today... I stayed home and cried and slept... when I awoke, I was sending Eric and e-mail from my phone.  I was writing him, "I feel very depressed today."  But the auto-text changed my words, as it always does... but it changed the word 'today' to 'firstborn.'  I was shocked when I saw that.  I left it there and entered down to tell Eric what I was trying to say... but wow.  Maybe that was Cameron telling me he was there with me right now... he is my firstborn. 

I called my Aunt Elva and she told me she had a dream that my grandpa, her dad, was sitting in a huge upholstered chair with something on his lap.  She realized it was a baby and asked him what he was holding.  She said he just had a huge grin on his face and she realized it was Cameron!  Cameron's hair was all tussled, but she said she felt peace after that.  She said she also remembered that he used to shop for upholstery at a shop called Cameron's something... and still has a receipt from there with his signature!  Wow! 

The counselor recommended me getting on antidepressants, but I don't know if that is the right solution.  Would that just be delaying the pain for later to come?  I don't want to numb myself... I lost my baby and that is very real. 

For now, Cameron, keep showing me signs... I know you are.  I know that when you turned that word to firstborn, that was you showing me you were with me.  I know that when Priscilla touched your pendant on my neck, that was her acknowledging you were here.  I want to see you in my dreams... I want to hold you again and hug you and kiss you.  I'm eagerly waiting for that time that I can see you.  I love you.

I Carried Him

I sit here on the bed, my second call-in of the week to work.  I didn't want to call in... I hadn't planned on calling in the last two days, but these feelings of despair have seemed to slowly creep up on me as if I had just lost Cameron all over again.  Why?  I felt this pain already... I know what it feels like to have no hope and no desire for life, so why make me feel like this again?

I felt like I was having more good days than bad days.  I would still think of Cameron every minute of every day and wish for him to be here, but I was able to handle the grief that came.  I woke up yesterday and felt heaviness in my heart.  I looked at his urn that I keep on my dresser while I sleep and held my arms as if I was holding him, wishing to remember how that felt, how he felt. I stayed home yesterday and cried a lot, aching for my baby.  I can usually talk about him freely now, without crying.  But yesterday, Eric's mom came over and the tears just came as we talked about him.  As they did this last Saturday also... I mentioned him to a stranger and without even realizing it, tears just flowed. 

I started reading this book called, I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  This mom was told at about 18 weeks that her daughter Audrey would not live, but she chose to carry her in hopes God would heal her.  Her diagnosis changed throughout the pregnancy, showing her God at work, and she was able to have a C-section and spent a few hours with Audrey.  Audrey still did not survive, but out of that came this amazing book and even more amazing song.

I truly recommend it.  I so wish I knew about this song earlier.  I want to thank Angie so much for writing this and helping create this song.  No one can understand what we go through as moms that lost their babies, except those that have already gone through it.  So many things struck me by this book... how she had a perfectly good pregnancy, just like me, but always felt something was wrong... just something was off, even though everything was happening as it should be.  I felt that... but I just thought it was me worrying... she says that maybe God was trying to prepare her for what was to come.  It was shock when she was told something was wrong since the pregnancy was great... as it was with me. 

I decided I want to get into counseling to help other mom's that have gone through this.  I found it so difficult to find a counselor that specialized in grief like this... and the two I found in San Antonio were booked completely.  My mom mentioned to me that maybe this is the overall picture... maybe I was chosen to help others because God knew I could.  I felt like this about this author, Angie Smith.  And I think she mentioned in the book too... but what a thing to be chosen for.  This is something that I did not want to be chosen for.

I feel in such despair right now... I feel like it just happened.  And I feel like I'm so cynical now... I see people pregnant and the first thing I think in my mind is, "Good luck..."  Or if they're already planning things and about five or six months, or really any month, I'm already thinking in my mind, "Oh, they don't even know what can happen... they think they're safe."  Gosh... why??

I don't know why I'm feeling so bad these last couple of days... maybe because of the holidays?  Maybe because Cameron was supposed to be here in about a month?  I should've been prepping for him and been huge and been feeling him kick.  Instead I'm staring at his urn, wishing things could change, but knowing they can't.

 

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

[Chorus]

Something No One Should Ever Have to Identify With...

Cameron's Stocking

Hi, Everyone,

As everyone knows, Eric and I lost our baby boy Cameron on September 1, 2011.  His original due date was January 8th, 2012, but he came four months early, without a breath.  I knew these upcoming holidays were going to be hard on me because I would be without Cameron in my tummy or in life.  This would have been Cameron's first Christmas… and our first Christmas to celebrate a brand new baby in our immediate family.  Eric and my first baby. 

I still want to be able to honor him and do something for him.  Although I can't shower him with gifts in the physical world, I know he is watching down on us and I want him to know that all of us our thinking of him. 

So, I am asking all my friends and family to please give Cameron a Christmas gift of kindness.  In memory of him, try to do a random act of kindness to someone.  And when you do, please write down what you did and send it to me by e-mail or mail or however you'd like.  Without reading them, I'll print them all out and put them in his stocking and open them on Christmas day.  This way Cameron could have a Christmas gift, as well.  I'd like to spread the heart of Cameron around and do good deeds in his name.  I want to make other people happy in his name.

So, please join us in spreading some cheer around in Cameron's memory.  I still think about him every single minute of ever single day and can't imagine that changing... he is my little boy.  It doesn't have to be a huge random thing, any small spread of joy will make a huge difference.  You never realize how much a small act of kindness can bring a smile to someone's face when it may only take a second of your time.  And to have a purpose behind it, which is Cameron, will mean the world to us.  I've attached some ideas just to get the wheels turning.  

I look forward to stuffing Cameron's stocking with all your good deeds!  

Love,

Cameron's Mom

One Quarter

Three months have gone by today.  In fact, at about this time three months ago, my baby Cameron was just being taken away from me and I would have seen him for the last time...

I never thought I would have been in this situation when I found out I was pregnant in May.  I never thought I'd be here, December 1, 2012, without my baby here physically.  I would have only had about a month left... but instead, three months ago he was born.  He was born without a breath...

Thanksgiving was odd this year... I kept wondering, what should I be thankful for?  How could I be thankful for anything when my baby was gone?  But I was thankful that I at least got to hold him and see how beautiful he was.  I got to touch his tiny hands and feet, and got to have a plaque to memorialize them.

I'm thankful for my family... for helping me and being there for me whenever I needed them.  For coming by almost every night when everything first happened... it was hard for Eric and I to be alone.  We shouldn't have been alone, we should have had a crying baby with us.

There are so many things that have happened "coincidentally."  I'm thankful that I chose to go to that 3D place to get his picture... that they didn't get a good picture so I had to go two weeks later, which put a red flag something was wrong.  Had I had a good picture the first time, I would have never gone back for the rescan and there would have been no indication anything was wrong.  And I would have waited till my next doctors appointment September 2nd, and by then his heart had stopped.  So, I'm so thankful that I went August 27th, because that prompted my emergency visit August 29th where I was able to see my baby alive for the very last time.  August 30th his heart stopped and September 1st, he was born.  All so fast and so sudden.

I never expected my life to change so drastically and so fast.

We booked our wedding venue today at the Crowne Plaza downtown... we planned to sign at the Doubletree two nights ago, but because of a contract change we did not sign there.  But because of that, we found the most beautiful venue and were able to sign for the venue exactly three months after Cameron was born, almost about the same time he was born... 6:13 PM.  On the way to the venue today also, my dad and I passed a street named Cameron, only about two blocks away.  My baby is happy to see his parents marry.  And I hope he is watching down smiling and making all these "coincidences" happen.

Also, for the first time since the first 3D ultrasound, I saw his DVD... this was the first time I felt I could watch it.  I cried and cried... I want him here with me.  I want to hold him and kiss him.  And I just really hope that he can see me.  I know people always say that he's with me, but I really hope that is true.  I hope he knows that I think about him every single day... every single minute.  And I miss him more than anything in the world... and I'd give anything to have him back with me.  I love you, Cameron.