Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Carried Him

I sit here on the bed, my second call-in of the week to work.  I didn't want to call in... I hadn't planned on calling in the last two days, but these feelings of despair have seemed to slowly creep up on me as if I had just lost Cameron all over again.  Why?  I felt this pain already... I know what it feels like to have no hope and no desire for life, so why make me feel like this again?

I felt like I was having more good days than bad days.  I would still think of Cameron every minute of every day and wish for him to be here, but I was able to handle the grief that came.  I woke up yesterday and felt heaviness in my heart.  I looked at his urn that I keep on my dresser while I sleep and held my arms as if I was holding him, wishing to remember how that felt, how he felt. I stayed home yesterday and cried a lot, aching for my baby.  I can usually talk about him freely now, without crying.  But yesterday, Eric's mom came over and the tears just came as we talked about him.  As they did this last Saturday also... I mentioned him to a stranger and without even realizing it, tears just flowed. 

I started reading this book called, I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  This mom was told at about 18 weeks that her daughter Audrey would not live, but she chose to carry her in hopes God would heal her.  Her diagnosis changed throughout the pregnancy, showing her God at work, and she was able to have a C-section and spent a few hours with Audrey.  Audrey still did not survive, but out of that came this amazing book and even more amazing song.

I truly recommend it.  I so wish I knew about this song earlier.  I want to thank Angie so much for writing this and helping create this song.  No one can understand what we go through as moms that lost their babies, except those that have already gone through it.  So many things struck me by this book... how she had a perfectly good pregnancy, just like me, but always felt something was wrong... just something was off, even though everything was happening as it should be.  I felt that... but I just thought it was me worrying... she says that maybe God was trying to prepare her for what was to come.  It was shock when she was told something was wrong since the pregnancy was great... as it was with me. 

I decided I want to get into counseling to help other mom's that have gone through this.  I found it so difficult to find a counselor that specialized in grief like this... and the two I found in San Antonio were booked completely.  My mom mentioned to me that maybe this is the overall picture... maybe I was chosen to help others because God knew I could.  I felt like this about this author, Angie Smith.  And I think she mentioned in the book too... but what a thing to be chosen for.  This is something that I did not want to be chosen for.

I feel in such despair right now... I feel like it just happened.  And I feel like I'm so cynical now... I see people pregnant and the first thing I think in my mind is, "Good luck..."  Or if they're already planning things and about five or six months, or really any month, I'm already thinking in my mind, "Oh, they don't even know what can happen... they think they're safe."  Gosh... why??

I don't know why I'm feeling so bad these last couple of days... maybe because of the holidays?  Maybe because Cameron was supposed to be here in about a month?  I should've been prepping for him and been huge and been feeling him kick.  Instead I'm staring at his urn, wishing things could change, but knowing they can't.



There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?



  1. I hope this comment cmes through, im writing from my cell and it keeps erasing :( I just wanted u to know u r not alone. The roller coaster of ups and downs just plain sux, and I wish u did not have to feel this way. Some things that have helped me is remembering to exhale when u feel u have be en holding ur breath, embrace these feelings and keep blogging and writing, also finding an online grief forum of other women who you can connect with helps, blogging is great, but forums tend to be more active and people will write you quicker when you need the extra help. This song makes me bawl everytime I hear it, usually on when I go on my girls' blog....anyhow, go easy on yourself sweet girl, these waves wash over, but then you can start coming to the surface for air again soon, let them come. Big hugs xxxooo

  2. Thanks, yeah, the online forums actually do help a lot. Just seeing that other people are, unfortunately, going through the same thing you are going through. I do love this song though... thanks for your comment. :)