Saturday, December 10, 2011

Hanging an Angel

Remember that angel I met on my post Angels Everywhere.  I met her again.

She remembered to invite me to the hanging of angel ceremony she told me about at the funeral home.  I was hoping she didn’t forget.  She provided me so much comfort at that time… she was the first person I had met, in person, that had gone through what I did.  I had been waiting for the invitation in the mail and when I saw it, I was so excited for the opportunity to go.  I knew I wanted to get her something too and I was hoping to get her something with her daughter, Erika's, name on it.  I got the invitation too late to custom make anything, but I was able to find a beautiful cross at a Christian store that had a glass that resembled a tear in the middle of it.  I don’t remember what the cross had exactly inscribed on it, but it was perfect.  It said something like, "A thousand tears remind me that you're still here."  Something like that.

Eric and I were rushing to get there on time… I wish I hadn't rushed.  When I finally got there, I felt like I wasn't able to fully appreciate what was going on because I was so jumbled.  But we walked in and the first person I saw was her.  She smiled and said, "Candice! I was hoping you'd remember.  I did."  She hugged me.  Of course I remembered.  I remembered how much her daughter still meant to her after 31 years.  How she still visits her resting place.  How she had tears in her eyes from thinking of her daughter.  How I felt knowing that Cameron will still be my son and still be my baby 31 years from now. 

I handed her the bag with her gift in it, along with one of Cameron's bookmarks.  She said I didn't have to, but I responded with I wanted to.  She led me to the paper angels they had where we could write our message to Cameron and hang it on a beautiful tree at the end of the aisle in the room.  My parents were already sitting in the pews.  I wrote my message to Cameron:

Everyone in the room gathered around the tree and said a prayer and some hymns.  Eric pointed out a red ornament that had Cameron's name written on it in permanent marker.  How nice, I thought… how sweet.  My mom tapped me from behind and told me that she did that. 

Then there were more… my mom tapped me again and showed me the one she wrote to him and the one my dad wrote and the one my little brother, Andrew, wrote…

Gosh… how did it come to this?  How are we here praying for my baby, but he's not here?  How could he be gone from me?  It makes me happy seeing how my parents write Grandma or Grandpa… yes, he was your grandchild.  And this is not how we should be loving him… we should be treasuring him in person… we should be hearing him cry and all holding him and staring at him.  Not memorializing him.  I looked at the other ornaments on the tree… many were for mom's and dad's and grandma's and grandpa's.  And then there was Cameron's… a baby.  And Erika's… a baby.  Those did not fit in there with the grandma's and grandpa's.  They were just babies.  They had a life to live.  They had parents that loved them and wanted them and cry for them and hurt for them.  But instead, they're not with their parents… they're somewhere we can't see or hold them.

Cameron has a lot of love.  He would have been the most treasured baby in the world.  I really hope I can see him one day.  I miss him more than words can express… my heart is always hurting.  Heal?  Not possible.

Michelle Dugger lost her baby… she was about the same length I was.  She named her daughter Jubilee.  They kept calling it a miscarriage and it wasn't.  I looked at the comments on some news website, just to see if some people corrected them… and that was such a mistake.  People are so cruel and evil.  This was her baby.  How dare someone judge until you've been through it yourself.  And then TMZ posted pictures of her daughter… and they mocked it.  Saying how disgusting that was and weird to take a picture of your dead fetus or something… wow.  I had to read the comments and people are just so ignorant and disgusting.  There were some that came to their defense.  This was her child!!!  This was her baby!  She was a part of this family!  They have a right to take pictures of their daughter.  That is the only way they will be able to see her again.  So, shame on people that judge someone that has gone through probably the most traumatic experience of their life… And shame on TMZ for posting them without their permission.  I just needed to get that out there because I felt terrible for her.  Yes, she has 19 kids, but that is still her child and one they were looking forward to and celebrating.  She now has 20 children.  I hope people acknowledge that.

I find the one thing that I crave all the time is for people to acknowledge Cameron.  Acknowledge he was my baby, I'm a mom, and he is loved.  He will always be a part of my family and I want to shout that from the rooftop to everyone!  He's my first born boy and I love him more than anything in this world.

1 comment:

  1. What a lovely memorial service to remember your baby & the others in Heaven. I'm glad you made a connection with the lady who then invited you. Every way we remember our children is so important in the grief journey. I sent you an email to see what color tag you want for Cameron. Do you have a preference? Blessings to all of you. xoxo