Thursday, December 8, 2011

Such a Short Time, Such a Long Road

That lyric from I Will Carry You stands out to me so much, along with so many other lyrics in that song.  It was such a short time... I had five months, one week, and four days that I had with my angel, Cameron.  Yet, it's such a long road ahead.  The road doesn't seem to be getting easier either.  It's a rocky road... that seemed to be manageable a few weeks ago, but now it's gotten to the jagged parts.

I went to work yesterday, but it was hard.  I found myself crying several times at my desk and trying to keep it discreet.  I have the most amazing manager though... and I feel very lucky to be working in this unit at this company.  I don't know if I would have had this support anywhere else... well, I know I wouldn't have had this at Travelers.  Although I loved that company, I know there would be no understanding there.  I woke up this morning, yearning to go to work since I hate missing, but I couldn't.  I just kept replaying all the events that happened up until September 1, 2011... how I was paranoid the whole pregnancy.  Before every doctor visit, I was always nervous they wouldn't hear a heartbeat, although I had no reason to be.  But I was.  And Eric would always reassure me that there would be one... and there was August 29th, but it wasn't a strong heartbeat.  And on August 31st, there was none.

I remembered how I read tons of pregnancy books and all those books reassured me my fears of something happening were just that... fears.  That after 12 weeks, I was pretty much in the safe zone and less than 1% of pregnancies turn out badly... and it somewhat worked... I was reassured, but I still didn't feel right.  I kept worrying I wouldn't hear that heartbeat on my next visit.  And who knew I'd be part of that 1%?  I think it's a lot more than 1% now that I'm part of this awful elite groups of moms.  There are too many out there.

Then those dreams of my baby being a puppy... people said all pregnant women have those dreams, but these were more... more than I realized at that moment.  One dream I actually asked the doctor why they couldn't tell something was wrong from the ultrasound.  Was my baby trying to tell me something?  Eric even said that I was talking in my sleep at the hospital asking where my puppy was... where my baby was.

There's been coincidences today... I stayed home and cried and slept... when I awoke, I was sending Eric and e-mail from my phone.  I was writing him, "I feel very depressed today."  But the auto-text changed my words, as it always does... but it changed the word 'today' to 'firstborn.'  I was shocked when I saw that.  I left it there and entered down to tell Eric what I was trying to say... but wow.  Maybe that was Cameron telling me he was there with me right now... he is my firstborn. 

I called my Aunt Elva and she told me she had a dream that my grandpa, her dad, was sitting in a huge upholstered chair with something on his lap.  She realized it was a baby and asked him what he was holding.  She said he just had a huge grin on his face and she realized it was Cameron!  Cameron's hair was all tussled, but she said she felt peace after that.  She said she also remembered that he used to shop for upholstery at a shop called Cameron's something... and still has a receipt from there with his signature!  Wow! 

The counselor recommended me getting on antidepressants, but I don't know if that is the right solution.  Would that just be delaying the pain for later to come?  I don't want to numb myself... I lost my baby and that is very real. 

For now, Cameron, keep showing me signs... I know you are.  I know that when you turned that word to firstborn, that was you showing me you were with me.  I know that when Priscilla touched your pendant on my neck, that was her acknowledging you were here.  I want to see you in my dreams... I want to hold you again and hug you and kiss you.  I'm eagerly waiting for that time that I can see you.  I love you.


  1. Im sorry hon...more hugs to you. Im glad you areseeing a counselor, and if you find yourself just unable to stop crying constantly, thats always been my extra cue to mayb try some meds...dont be afraid to ask for more help or even see the counselor more times a are doing everything you can to keep sane...and im glad your work allows you to work through this difficult time. Ps...I was on meds for 6 months just to try and see if it would help, it didnt numb me or anything it just helped me not cry allllll of the time. Big hugs, nan xxxooo

  2. Thanks, Nan... weird how one day you feel so completely down and the next day is a 180 turnaround. But yeah, going to see the doc tomorrow... I'll see what happens. :)