Tuesday, January 10, 2012

If Only

Sunday was January 8, 2012.  This was the day that Cameron was supposed to be born.  His supposed to be due date.  But instead he came September 1, 2011.  Four months early.  Too early to live or take a breath.  I didn't know what to expect Sunday... I didn't know if it would be a hard day or sad or what.  But I expected the worse.  Maybe my expectation helped me because it really wasn't that bad of a day.  I had went to an online message board the day before and read another mom talking about her upcoming due date.  I read it because I wanted to see how she was handling it.  One response stood out to me by saying that she wished that the anticipation of the due date would be worse than the actual day.  I thought that was odd at first, but thought it then and wondered if maybe that would be my case.  It was.

I wanted to remember Cameron all throughout the day, and we did.  We went to church in the morning and then had breakfast.  And I had decided I wanted to release balloons for Cameron.  A lot of moms tend to do this... I thought it would be a nice gesture, but until I did it, I didn't realize how symbolic it actually was.  Eric and I went to Party City and bought some baby blue and white balloons.  I wrote a note on one of the balloons to Cameron just telling him how much I missed him and loved him.

There were five balloons.  I gave one to Eric, my brother Andrew, and my mom and dad.  We all said a little something and released them up to the sky.  The balloons went South... and stayed together as a group.  Watching them fly away was sad, but hopeful.  I hope Cameron can see that we are thinking about him and remembering him and knowing that we are doing our best to love him and show him that.  The balloons were bittersweet.  I didn't understand why people released balloons, but now I know.  It's almost a symbolism of freedom and the balloons are going up to the heavens where my baby is.  They're free in the sky and air, with nothing to shield them or hold them back.  They're just in the air, like my baby is.

Maybe it helped that I was with Eric and family throughout the whole day.  I was actually feeling at ease all of Sunday.  After we released the balloons, my family and I went to another church to light a candle for Cameron.  Saturday night I woke up dreaming that I was holding Puffins and she was looking at me with those eyes that told me she loved me and licking my face... I felt it in my dream!  It was so real and I woke up feeling elated... I felt Puffins again!  Maybe she came back to me in my dreams knowing that this would be a hard day for me and came to tell me she loved me.  I hope she's with Cameron... We miss him so much.

I keep imagining how things should have been right now... let me daydream for a moment:

I would be off from work for the next six weeks.  Eric had to go to work, but I was already up at 3 AM because Cameron started crying.  I have him in the bassinet next to my side of the bed.  Actually, I still don't think I can even get a good sleep because I'm constantly staring and checking on him.  Always looking in the bassinet at him sleeping... looking at his little mouth and hands... and just gazing at how beautiful he is.  Making sure he's warm and breathing and just in awe of him.  We have the nursery set-up in the other room with his dark wood crib and dresser with the jungle theme crib set and a glider to rock him to sleep.  But I don't want him to sleep in there just yet... he's too little and I just bought him home.  He needs to be right by me... not in another room.  Not yet.  

Eric leaves for work and I get up and go to the living room to put on the TV.  I take the bassinet with me... he's never leaving my side.  A few minutes later I see Cameron turn and his mouth open and he cries.  I love hearing him cry... it tells me he's there and alive and he needs me.  I pick him up gently and hold him and kiss his head and rock him.  I tell him how much I love him and how beautiful he is.  I go and change his diaper on his brand new changing table.  This is the one thing I don't care for doing, but I'm enjoying it because he's mine!  I put him in a warm little onesie and sit in the rocking chair to feed him.  I rock him and sing a lullaby to him and talk to him and tell him about how much we wanted him and how we're all so glad he's here. 

I would walk back to the living room and hold him while I watch a little tv... then put him down for a nap.  I try to take a nap too.  I always heard to sleep when the baby is sleeping... so that's what I try to do.  But I can't stop looking at him.  He's so perfect and he's all I ever wanted.  My doorbell rings and it's my parents... they can't wait to see him and hold him also.  I tell them to be quiet because he's sleeping, but they're all gathering around him cooing and touching his hands and feet.  He is the most loved child of all time.  

That's how I keep imagining how things should be right now.  But it's not... it's not even possible.  Instead I have rituals now that I know some will think are crazy.  I have his urn with his rosary around it.  Eric's mom had given him the rosary in the hospital when he was born and it was around him in the hospital crib... so now it's always around his urn.  Every morning I wake up and I take his urn to his table in the living room.  I can't stand to leave him in the bedroom because I feel that he will be alone all day... and who wants to be in a dark bedroom all day?  I'd rather him be where the light is and where the more action is.

When Eric comes home, he has his ritual of lighting a candle by Cameron's table for him.  When we're about to go to bed, Eric takes the urn off the table in the living room and brings him to my dresser and places him on there with his rosary.  So, he could be by my bedside like he was supposed to be in the bassinet.  I can't imagine leaving him alone in the dark, empty living room at night.  Is this crazy?  I don't know... I know it's just his ashes, but it's still him.  Those ashes were him.  They're our most prized possession.

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