Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Stepping Stones

My birthday was this Monday, the 16th.  When I first found out I was pregnant and Cameron was due January 8th, I kept saying, "He's going overshadow my birthday!"  Oh, how I wish he was here to do that.  Instead, it didn't feel like my birthday at all this year. 

I usually love my birthday.  I love getting all my friends together and having fun and letting loose.  But even the days leading up to my birthday, I didn't feel like my birthday was coming.  I actually somewhat forgot my birthday was coming.  So, now I'm 29.  No celebration or anything; it would have felt odd to have a celebration when it didn't even feel like my birthday. 

On a good note, I think the medication has been helping.  The doctor told me it usually kicks in about three weeks into it and I think I have felt a difference.  Luckily, I am blessed with a super understanding manager and was able to take a few weeks off from work.  I think I went back to work too early.  I wasn't ready to go back yet.  I should have known from the start when I was crying every week... but I just thought that was normal.  I mean, I just lost my precious baby... it's normal to cry.  But maybe that also should have been a signal to me to take some more time for myself.

I'm also blessed to have Eric support me from being off of work.  I know it may difficult money-wise and such, but it's something I think is helping me in the long run.  I also want to start volunteering at different places around town.  I think me helping others and making other people happy will be therapy for me, as well.  I called Threads of Love... the people that made the little knitted hat for Cameron and a sock baby also.  So, I want to be able to make things for other family's that went through something like I did.  I also need to get my application together to get my Masters in Social Work.  I'd like to work with other mom's or family's that have lost their children and try to help them cope with this.  Although I'm still in the beginning stages of my grieving process, I know that it is important to me to help others.  I hate that others have to go through this and feel like this.  It's not fair to anyone and anyway I can help also, I want to.

So, this is a quick note from me... I'll write another posting later in the week. 

Thank you everyone for reading.  I've gotten notes from others about my blog helping them too and that's motivation enough for me to keep Cameron's name out there and know that my baby is making a difference in others lives too.

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