Friday, January 6, 2012

What Happy New Year?

New Year's Day came and went.  I wasn't sure how it'd feel.  Would I be okay?  Would I be sad?  I knew I didn't want to have a big celebration.  I didn't want to go to a party or club or bar like I normally did.  This was not a year to celebrate.  I'd feel guilty celebrating a new year without my baby with me.  So, I knew I would stay home, but thought maybe we should invite a friend or two over.  It ended up just being Eric and I, but I wanted to make it our own celebration still.  I wasn't feeling as sad as I thought I would so I thought a nice, intimate celebration would be good for us.  We grilled some steaks and stuffed crab, and I made queso and had cheese and crackers out for us.  We also had champagne and drinks and even had a little dance in our living room together.  It was sweet. 

But then midnight came.  I felt a rush of sadness come over me.  Eric hugged me and we just hugged for a couple of minutes.  I cried.  I was expecting to feel okay… I had been feeling okay up until that moment.  I felt so sad as we saw people celebrating the new year on TV and here I was in my apartment feeling empty.  I told Cameron Happy New Year and told my cat, Priscilla, Happy New Year… since she surprisingly made it out at midnight from her long nap.  But Cameron and Priscilla were the only two I said Happy New Year to.  I haven't told anyone else that.  I haven't felt right telling anyone else that. 

People keep telling me and I think it's so odd.  Happy New Year to me?  What could be happy about it?  Yes, I'll be getting married this next year, which is a happy time.  But I just don't feel right being wished a happy new year to.  And I don't feel right wishing anyone else one since I don't feel happy.  Every time someone tells me that, I just reply with, "You too," so as to not be rude.  So, midnight came and I felt bad.  I felt worse and sad and depressed.  And now, I'm three days away from my would-be due date… January 8th. 

I keep thinking how different my apartment was supposed to be.  I looked in the second bedroom this morning and pictured where the crib was supposed to be and the dresser and rocking chair.  And instead, it's the same as it was before I got pregnant.  Nothing has changed… but everything has. 

Cameron's Urn and things

My birthday is also coming up next weekend.  I ended up sending an e-mail to the person who coordinates the birthday's at work to not do anything for mine… I didn't want to make it awkward, but I just rather not have any sort of celebration this year.  I don't want people to be celebrating me and I don't feel like celebrating either.  She told me that they wanted to, but they would respect my wishes and not do anything.  I just told her not to even mention it to anyone else since no one would remember if she didn't remind them and then it wouldn't be awkward. 

As for this Sunday, Cameron's would-be due date… what to do?  I know I want to go to church.  I was thinking about releasing balloons for him.  I don't know… I don't know how I'll feel.  Today I've felt better than I have in a long time… but that's the thing, everything is so unpredictable.  One day I feel amazing and great… then the next day I feel like staying in bed and crying.

I do know that 2012 will be a better year than 2011.  How could it be any worse?  There is just no way possible.  I lost my baby Cameron, my family had some drama that I still can't get over, and it just seems like my life was crumbing around me.  After all that family drama, I found out I was pregnant, which just elated me so much.  It took my mind off everything and I was so looking forward to being a mom.  This was supposed to be the best year ever... but instead 2011 will take the cake as the worst year ever possible.  Nothing will top this.

As for Cameron, I miss you my sweet baby… I hope you are okay and happy and I hope you can't feel anything I'm feeling.  And Happy Birthday, Mamo… I hope you're taking care of my sweet baby boy.  I love you both. 

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