Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Lifetime Movie

I've been off from work for the last two weeks, and I have to say, it's been good for me.  I've felt better than I have since Cameron died, but there's still something missing.  But I guess there will always be something missing, right?  My baby.  I wonder if the medication is helping me and maybe making me think less about the sorrow and longing for him... and I wonder if I'll have to always be on it to have that longing feeling go away.

I've been watching a lot of Lifetime movies.  Lots!  I saw one this morning called Still Small Voices... I put this on about 7 AM, but was sleepy and was going to go back to bed.  But then the storyline intrigued me... the woman in the film delivered her baby stillborn... she named her daughter Emma.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so hoping for a girl and I picked the name Emma for her.  So, this storyline already stuck out to me... it was weird at first.  It started off as her working as an emergency dispatcher and her taking pills... at this point, I had no idea what she had gone through.  I just thought it was going to be one of those corny, thriller Lifetime movies that I'm so addicted to.  But then her boss comes up and gives her a card.  She puts it away and says she'll open it later and follows to take some pills.  Then she goes home and walks past some unopened baby shower gifts and puts the card with other cards.  As soon as I saw those unopened baby gifts, I wondered if she had lost her baby like I did mine.  She did.

She ended up having a dream right after that of her in labor and not hearing her baby cry right afterwards.  But then there was a ghost girl in the dream and the lady woke up screaming saying that she was taking Emma.  I sympathized with her so much.  Her husband was comforting her and I felt like that was me and Eric.  Poor Eric for having to deal with my hysterics at night sometimes... especially at first.  I would just wake up randomly in the night crying for my baby.  Just crying.

In the movie, the woman had an aneursym, which she accounted for her having visions of a little girl.  The husband was trying to get her to a hospital, but she refused to go because she felt the aneursym was allowing her to do something for her daughter Emma, and if she died from it, it was meant to me.  I related to her with this too.  I'm not afraid of death anymore.  I used to be.  All the time.  I was afraid of car accidents and someone breaking in and bridges falling, and just whatever else you can imagine.  I still am, but it's more of now that if something does happen, I'm okay with it.  I just get to be with Cameron then.  I had told my counselor about this and she mentioned that it's because I don't feel like I have a purpose for life anymore.  I lost my purpose.  I didn't think about it like that, but it made sense.  

Everyone thinks of their children as their lifeline.  Their heart.  They would do anything for their children, but I didn't get that chance.  I didn't even get to hear how he sounded when he cried.  

She felt like she needed to keep looking into the visions she was having to make a purpose for Emma dying.  And the end of the movie, she had her "rainbow" baby.  A rainbow baby is something I've seen referred to on a lot of Stillbirth message boards.  The baby is the rainbow after the storm.  But she was with her family and the baby celebrating her first birthday... and I could empathize with how grateful she was probably to have that baby in her arms, but then also wondering whether I would always be starting at my rainbow baby wishing their brother was here.  I kept looking at her baby's birthday celebration and to me, it was bittersweet... there was another family member missing and a celebration the mom never got to celebrate with her firstborn.  

So, yes... I did an analysis of a Lifetime movie!  Haha... but it's relatable to me... well, except the psychic visions and kidnapping and stuff.  :)  I keep telling Eric that my dream now is to be a stay-at-home wife and become a socialite!  I think I have to keep dreaming about that!  

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