He's Here!

My rainbow has arrived.  Ethan Paul.

I won't lie.  The pregnancy was not easy.  I was in pain from week 15 and showing!  And the pain just progressed.  On top of that, I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which it turned out wasn't that bad.  But the worst part of the pregnancy was the anxiety.  I was so scared that he wouldn't arrive alive.  I bought a doppler, which was a lifesaver to me in the beginning.  Even at the end.  But I was constantly on edge that his heart would stop beating.  I didn't feel assured until I held him in my arms and saw him alive.

I think I actually told my husband when I held him in the delivery room, "He's alive!"

I look at him and am overwhelmed by him.  I can't stop looking at him.  He's beautiful and he's mine and he made it.

I think of his brother Cameron and wonder if he has some of him in him... he has to, right?  I wonder if he knows Cameron... if Cameron told him about me and his dad.  And then I realize there is too a guilt.  A guilt that I feel this strongly about another baby when I don't have my Cameron here.  But I know Cameron would want this.  I love Cameron so much and miss him more than anything.  But when I look at Ethan, I can see parts of Cameron in him... I think of Cameron's hands and feet and compare them.  And it's corny to say, but I become very emotional thinking of him growing up and losing his innocence!  He's so perfect right now and knows nothing of the evils of the world.  And he's growing so quickly... Not even two weeks old yet, but changed so much.

I'm happy he's here.  Happy to be his mommy.  And happy that Cameron has a little brother.

Long time no see

I've been pretty absent from this blog.  With school, full-time job, internship... and being pregnant, it's been hectic, to say the least.

Yes, I'm pregnant and due any day now.

For those that visit my blog due to your baby being born still also, I know it's difficult to see others write that.
I'm having a boy... he is going to be Cameron's little brother.  His name is Ethan.

I have been going crazy this whole pregnancy... even now.  I'm 37 weeks this week.  And still worried that he will not make it.  I know it happens.  I know some of you have been this far, and further and not got to hear your babies cry.  I'm so scared of that happening again... I will not be relieved until I hear Ethan cry and come out moving and loud!

I wish I could have him now.  The docs keep saying he's safer in my stomach at this time then out in the world.  But is that really true?  I know ya'll understand.

So, until next time... that is a bit of an update.

Why Me?

I've asked this a lot.  Still do.  I wonder why this happened to me.  Why mothers that drink and do drugs and abuse their children were allowed to have their children.  I miss Cameron.  I hate that I never got to hear him cry or laugh.  I never fully got to kiss him... his skin was too fragile for me to try.  And for some reason, it has given me more faith that I had before.  I guess I was at the end of my rope and had nothing else to believe in.  I saw this on Facebook and thought it was so beautiful:

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of angel babies are chosen? Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a angel baby."

God's angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a one of my precious angels to a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience to endure such hardship?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in the mother of an angel. You see, the child I'm going to give her lives in a world of its own. She will have to realize it lives in another world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even can live through this."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from her angel baby occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with an angel less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word from anyone. She will never consider a minor step ordinary. She will never hear her angel says 'mama' for the first time, she will never be a witness to that miracle. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

Hummingbird

This weekend, Eric and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when I saw a hummingbird come to the sliding door windows that lead to the backyard.  I was so surprised!  It came right up to the window and buzzed around looking inside a second and then flew away.  I had never seen a hummingbird come that close... or even see a hummingbird, really.  I was amazed.  And for some reason, I keep thinking about it.  So, today, I finally looked up the meaning, wondering if the hummingbird meant something and I was astonished by what I found. 

I found this on a blog A Light In The Darkness:

It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward.

The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance. In the Andes of South America the hummingbird is a symbol of resurrection. It seems to die on cold nights, but comes back to life again at sunrise.

Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again.
They teach us courage. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently toward ourselves and others is an important part of healing. Recovering lost parts of ourselves enables us to become healthily independent.

It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol - further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.

Seeing the meaning of the hummingbird means more to me now... maybe Cameron was trying to tell me something with the upcoming arrival.  My mom keeps thinking of resurrection and the new baby being part of Cameron.  I know he's a part of Cameron because he's mine, but I wonder if he knew Cameron.  It's been hard to open my heart because of Cameron and the miscarriage after him... but it's slowly getting there.  As for courage... I feel anyone that has gone through this automatically has courage, but it's the part of creating new trauma that is hard.  You can't forget what's happened, but trying to live the best we can to get through it.  The symbolism just seemed so perfect.

My Wishes

It's been a while since I've updated.  School has kept me very busy along with other stuff.  I moved this weekend and got a new job a few months ago.  I was also interning... so I was extremely busy.  But I just talked with someone and needed to get down some thoughts I had:

My wishes for you... Ethan (right now)

1.  For you to be healthy
2.  For you to be alive
3.  For you to get to experience me as your mom in this life.
4.  For me to get to hold you and hear you cry and laugh
5.  For you to have the best life possible... I will try my best for you
6.  For me to be there to see you grow up
7.  For Cameron to be watching us and know that I am always thinking of him in everything I do, and I will ensure that you know about your big brother and how you are so lucky to have your big brother as an angel watching over you.  Most people don't have that.
8.  For Cameron to know that he will always be my first son.  And I cannot wait to see him and kiss him and hold him again.
9.  For Cameron to know that I will never forget him.  You are not replacing Cameron and you never could. You are your own person.  And while Cameron may see that I love you and cherish you and give you everything I can all the time... I hope he knows I would have done the same for him.  And I try my best in this life to honor him even though he's in heaven.
10.  For you to love me.
11.  And for me to love you as I love Cameron.

I had bad feelings throughout my pregnancy with Cameron.  I haven't had much with this baby, but I'm scared to have good feelings.  I am very aware of what can happen and know there is never a "safe" period. I am hoping that in November, I get to come home with my healthy and alive baby in my arms.  My rainbow.  I hate saying rainbow after the storm, because Cameron was not a storm.  But this baby will be a rainbow.

No Sleep.

The last several days I have had so much trouble sleeping.  It's five am right now and I'm still awake... luckily I don't work tomorrow, but I wanted to get things done during the day and now it looks like I may crash and sleep later.

Part of the trouble of not being able to sleep is how your mind doesn't sleep either.  It started out by looking up something on my computer and then I saw something titled Journal.  I opened it because I knew it was mine, but didn't remember what I had written.  But I knew it had to do with Cameron.  I opened it and then I remembered.  I started writing it about a week after I came home after delivering Cameron.  I realized that I wanted to remember every single thing possible about his delivery and the days after and in my state of mind at that time, I knew it would be difficult for me later on.

So, I started actually writing on paper from August 28th... when my world went upside down.  Then I moved on to the computer... struggling to remember everything that happened, but typing in chronological order.  Rereading right now... gosh... it was so sad.  And got me so angry again about how some people reacted.  And thankful for my parents.  But mostly sad.  I'm thinking about posting a few things I wrote on here... I had forgotten how much I ached to hold him longer... how much I was wanting to at the funeral home... and how I finally felt like a mom for the first time at the funeral home!  Isn't that crazy?  But they were really... and almost are the only people even NOW, that have treated me like a mother.  That funeral director was so sweet to call Eric several weeks later to see how I was doing and told Eric they had a necklace they wanted to give me.  It was a golden cherub told hold Cameron's ashes.  So sweet of them.

There was one point, and I think I wrote about it in this blog a while back, where Eric and I came home the day after I delivered him and we were laying down and I was almost going to sleep, but woke up suddenly and sat up because Eric grabbed my hand, but I swore that it felt like a baby's hand grabbing mine... it was only Eric, of course... Oh gosh, I was in a such a bad state then.  I didn't think my grief would end. 

It still hasn't.  In the middle of class last week, I suddenly started thinking about Cameron's hands and feet and how they felt.  And I kept trying to remember it... I had to leave class for a bit and cried in the restroom.  I miss him so much... I want to feel him again. 

Here's a snippet of what part of my journal was from the day after I delivered him... I wrote this this about a week after, but it was about that day, September 2, 2011:

There was also a bracelet made with his name Cameron Conrad Exon-Garcia out of beads and a paper ruler, I guess to show how big he was… 10 inches.  Also a little book of all this prints and info and bracelets.  My baby.  This box is pretty much all I have of him… isn’t that sad?  He’s my baby and I have him in a box.

When it was time to leave, Leah told me to get my stuff ready… we were getting all the things packed when she came in with a wheelchair.  The closer it was getting time for me to leave, the more I didn’t want to.  How could I?  This hospital was where I spent the only time I would ever be able to spend time with my poor baby.  I will never be able to see him anywhere else, but this hospital.  I felt like I was abandoning him.  I wasn’t supposed to leave the hospital without a baby.  The baby was supposed to come with me… but yet, I have empty arms.  I asked for a moment alone before I left… the nurse somewhat hesitated and told me they would wait outside.  I cried and cried.  I didn’t want to leave…. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!  Not at all!  How could this happen?!  I loved him so much and I couldn’t do anything.  I couldn’t do anything.  I failed.  I couldn’t protect him and now I was leaving him.  This was where I spent the most precious moments of my life… with my precious baby.  And I had to leave it.  I stood by the crib he laid in and touched it and tried to remember everything from the night before.  There was a brown napkin, like the ones from school, in there that had his name on it.  I took it for another momento… I’m grasping at momentos since I have so few… I had so few moments with him to cherish, but I had to cherish all I had.  I looked around the room and tried to grasp the reality of what had happened the night before… I gave birth to my baby in this same room.  I felt like it was a different room, but it wasn’t.  I just cried and cried… I didn’t want to leave.  I went to the door to finally exit and the nurse Leah had already begun opening the door.  This made me more mad also… how can you be rushing me out of here?  Yes, I was as ready as I was going to get to leave, but I didn’t reach for the door yet, Leah did.  I sat down in the chair and Eric put all the things in the back of the chair and got the rest of my items out of the closet and my pillow.  

I was rolled without seeing any of the healthy babies crying, but once I got to the lobby area there was a girl in pajama pants walking around with another girl with her IV thing.  I kept looking at her and just knew that she probably just gave birth to a baby and was happy inside.  I wonder if they knew.  I wonder if they saw my tears and how sad I looked.  I wonder if they wondered why someone was so sad on this floor… afterall, this was the maternity ward… this was a happy place.  All the mommies are supposed to be happy, yet if they looked at me, I was the complete opposite.  Could they guess? 

Another Angel Mom

I've mentioned it before, but I credit so many other angel mom's for being able to function.  I will never say "get over" because I don't think anyone can get over the loss of their child.  The only thing that helped me was reading other mother's experiences and their feelings... I finally felt I wasn't alone.  And I wasn't crazy.  These mom's felt the way I did... unfortunately.

I met someone today at my internship named Jane.  She asked me why I decided to go back to school and I told her about Cameron.  She smiled and said her daughter passed four years ago in a car accident.  She told me about her daughter and how much she missed her and both of us had tears in our eyes.  I'm sure the other guy intern in the back of the car felt a bit uncomfortable!  lol... but he was a trooper and even touched my shoulder and gave me some relief when I told them about my guilt for wanting a girl instead of a boy. 

It amazes me how many women I have come in contact with just in my daily life who has lost their child... One of the other interns also had her son named Andrew six years ago who was born still.  She has a tattoo of of a teddy bear and his name and it was something we could bond over.  I told her about Molly Bears, the organization that makes weighted bears in the weight of your baby that is in heaven.  She said she told her mother about them and thinks she's going to get one.

I was able to ask the other intern questions I hadn't asked anyone else because I haven't met anyone I saw on a daily basis that went through something similar to my experience to get the comfort level to ask questions.  I asked how she answers when people ask how many children she has... she said three, one who passed away and two others.  She said he was here and she acknowledges him.  I felt comfort in that because I always answer one.  I can't fathom denying Cameron's existence and I know it may make others uncomfortable, but that's not my problem.  He's my son and I want to acknowledge him.

Jane, the lady who's daughter had passed four years ago, told me when we said goodbye that it gets easier, but it's not something anyone could get over.  And then sometimes she meets someone like me, and she loves talking about her.  I love talking about Cameron.  When she was telling me about her daughter and her personality and quirks and stuff, I just kept wishing that I had stories like that of Cameron to remember.  All I have is how he looked in my arms... his tiny smirk that reminds me of Eric... his flat tiny feet... his perfect nails and toes.  He was such a beautiful baby that never got to experience life on this earth.

Jane told me that her son had a baby and she sees so much of her daughter in him.  When her daughter was in the car accident, something happened to her heart and her grandson was born with that same defect.  Luckily the grandson is doing good now, but how odd that her grandson was born with the same defect that her daughter had.  She said her grandson is extremely attached to her... makes you wonder.

I don't think I would want Cameron to be reincarnated, if that's even possible.  I want him with my grandma and Puffins in heaven.... I want to see him when I get there.  I don't want to wait any longer once I get to heaven... and I want to see him in his true form.

This is a video I found of Jane's daughter Kara.... it's a tearjerker.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9qoly_r-i-p-kara_people

Reminding myself.

I started this social work program in dedication for Cameron.  And I keep having to remind myself that during these challenging sessions through my internship. 

I am not having the best experience at my field placement.  It's a brand new program starting up that I do not feel is really helping people.  All the suggestions I have made have kinda been shunned and the boss favors two of the other interns.  My field laison from my school talked to them about the issues and now I am feeling retaliation.

I think a lot of it is coming from my work experience.  I've worked since I was 16 and have worked for major corporations and have made a pretty good salary.  And now I'm kinda back at the bottom as an intern.  And I hate being treated like I'm just starting out and a kid.  I'm not, dangit.  I just turned 30!!! 

So during my field training class yesterday, I covered my whole paper with messages to my Cameron and his name, and writing that I am doing this for him.  I keep having to remind myself because otherwise, I think I'd just withdraw.  That's how much I am unhappy over here.  I'm keeping the placement anonymous and all the details pretty broad for confidentiality purposes... but gosh, it's going to be an effort to be there till August.  But for you my baby Cameron!!!  I'm doing it... 

Haitus

Since I started working on my masters degree, I haven't updated this blog as much as I planned to.  I think it also helps that I am in a different place in my life now. 

I don't cry when I talk about Cameron.  My eyes may get watery a bit, but no tears.  I am now okay with this.  I used to feel guilty, but working on this degree has channeled my sadness into my work.  I started in Social Work for the purpose of dealing with grieving parents.  I still would love to deal with them, but I also know if that doesn't happen, I am going to help so many people with my MSW.  And every single person that I help will be because of Cameron. 

Right now I am doing my internship at the food bank and I'm challenging myself to make it a program that is more supportive of those looking for jobs since I am assigned to the workforce division.  Cameron is always in the forefront of my mind.  He's my baby.  I actually meant another intern there who met her first social worker when she had her baby who was born still.  How amazing how these babies in heaven are still making their marks in other peoples lives and it's a trinkling down effect....

So, my point of this is just to say that I probably will not be updating this as much.  I still will, but it'll be like the last several months of once a month or so.

I'll still leave it up because I don't know who will come across it.  When I first out that Cameron wasn't going to make it and the doctor gave me options on what to do, I went online and that is when I came across the blog community made by grieving mothers... and it helped me decide what to do and helped me with the process afterwards.  I wish I could find those initial blogs I found that helped me make my decision.

So, just a note... heading to my next class soon.