I'm a Mrs.!

I am married!  Cameron's parents are married!

I hope Cameron was with us and saw his parents take their vows toward each other. 

Eric and I got married on October 20th, this past Saturday.  At the beginning of the ceremony, we lit a memorial candle for those that have passed, and made a special prayer for our son, Cameron. 

I even kept on Cameron's necklace with his ashes throughout the wedding. 

Oh, my baby Cameron... you have changed my life so much.  Your dad is one of the best men I have ever met.  And the sweetest to me.  You've changed my career path... I am now working on my Masters in Social Work for you.  And now I am married to your dad! 

The wedding was beautiful.  For the most part.  There was drama at the end at the sort of "after party" in Eric and my suite.  We had people come up to continue celebrating with us, but the drama did not ruin our wedding, though people are still talking about it. 

I want to thank my parents sooooo much for this wedding. They really tried to make it the wedding of my dreams and if I had calmed down and didn't rush, I would have actually enjoyed it more and took it all in!  But I was so rushing through the whole thing... I don't even think I looked at myself in the mirror!  lol

So, now I am a Mrs.  I'm keeping my last name though... and I'm happy to know that Cameron can see his parents unite in their love for each other.

Been Busy

It's been a while since I wrote, but I have so busy.  I started working on my Masters, which I love, working, and planning for my wedding coming up this weekend!

This Masters degree is really taking up way more time than I thought it would.  I had no idea it would take this much and these many projects.  Way more than law school ever took from me.  So, I have quit my job.  And I feel good about it.  I felt bullied in my department and felt I did a considerable amount of the work without recognition.  It was tiring and putting a huge toll on me that I did not need.

Luckily, my fiance encouraged me and supported my decision to quit.  I am so lucky to have him.  I know it's going to be a struggle for us, but it's also for the best. The more and more I get into this degree, the more I realize that I am in the right place.  This degree fits me so well, it almost frustrates me that I didn't know about social work before!  :)  And, it's all because of my Cameron. 

So, this weekend I am getting married!  We will be doing a memorial candle before the ceremony starts to symbolize those that passed in our lives... and especially for my baby Cameron.  Oh, Cameron... everyday I think of him.  Everyday I worry if I'm forgetting him, but I know I'm not.  I'm not as sad as I used to be... and this kinda scares it.  It scares me because I feel that if I'm not sad, it's a form of forgetting.  But I know it's not.  I can never forget my angel.  I miss him all the time.  I think of him all the time....all the time.  When there is work in class I don't want to do, I remember that I am doing this for Cameron.

So, this was just a quick hello since I haven't written here for a while.  Next time I write, I'll be a Mrs.!

. . .

I was, and still am, very indecisive and hesitant about writing this particular blog...

I don't know if this is too personal or something I should keep to myself, but I thought about it more and the more I thought about it, I felt it was important to share.  Especially because of who I write this blog for.  I write this blog for those angel mommies out there.  Those moms that lost their children too soon.  Those that have no one else to relate to in their "real life."

When I first lost Cameron I felt that no one around me understood.  And it was true, no one did.  Until I found an online community of blogs and postings and groups of mothers that felt the same way I did.  They had the same feelings I did... some that I couldn't put into words.  I wasn't alone.  Someone else had to go through the same feelings and understood.

Eric and I found out that we were pregnant last Sunday.  I was scared, but super excited.  Like, beyond excited.  I knew it wasn't a good time.  I know I just started school and we're in a one bedroom apartment now, and we're getting married October 20th.  But I didn't care anymore.  I wanted this baby so much.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Eric was too.  Through all the excitement though, I was scared.  How could I not be after Cameron?

I took about 12 tests... ha, yes, 12!!!  But reason being, half were coming out negative and the other half positive.  I know I was super early in my pregnancy.  I called my doctor first thing in the morning Monday and they sent me for a blood test to confirm.

It was confirmed!  I was pregnant!  Everyone at the office was super excited for me.  They too went through losing Cameron with me and saw my grief.

I immediately downloaded all the pregnancy apps on my phone to start tracking again... our baby was the size of a sesame seed!  I was already talking to him or her, and I had a good feeling about this pregnancy... a cautiously good feeling...  I went online and joined other pregnancy groups and was already looking at taking home outfits and baby picture props and outfits.  I couldn't wait.

I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew I was super early in my pregnancy and because of what happened last time... though with Cameron I was five and a half months pregnant when I delivered him.

Everything seemed to be panning out like it was supposed to.  I was confirmed pregnant, and coincidentally, the house across the street from my parents was for sale, which would be perfect since Eric and I are in school and would need babysitting.  I couldn't wait to hold and kiss this baby.

My doctor had wanted me to take additional blood tests every other day that week, I guess just to confirm the blood levels.  Wednesday was my second one, which I took during lunch.  When I came back from lunch I noticed I was spotting... I started panicking.  I called my doctor's office crying and they told me to come in right away.

Eric picked me up from work and we went to the doctor.  The whole time, everyone around me was telling me that bleeding was sometimes normal during early pregnancy.  I read it online too... gosh, I hoped this was the case.  Please be the case.

The doctor checked me out and even did a sonogram, but because I was so early on, he couldn't see anything.  He stated everything looked normal and good... and he even had a good feeling about this!  He stated my spotting was nothing and some women bleed throughout their whole pregnancy, and I was hardly bleeding.  Not to worry about it.

Whew.... I was so happy and relieved afterwards.  I felt so much better.  Everything was okay!  This baby is going to be okay!  :)

Thursday came and the spotting seemed to be getting more and more... I tried not to worry because the doctor did warn me that I was going to bleed more and heavier.  But I don't know... I just knew something was wrong.  A big clot came, but didn't hurt and didn't stain anything... I didn't know if this was part of the heavy bleeding the doctor had told me about, but I was nervous.

I called my doctor and felt like I was bugging them... I told the nurse who answered that it was me again and I know the doctor told me not to worry and I'm trying not to, but I am bleeding more... though he told me I would... but just wanted to see if they got the blood results back from the day before.  She told me they did and they were sitting on his desk, but it was a super busy morning so he hadn't had a chance to call.  But HE  would call me personally to tell me how they were.

Because the doctor was going to call me personally, I knew.... I just knew something was wrong.  Why would he call me personally?  I was nervous until that call... I was carrying my phone everywhere with me... finally about 1:10 PM, I went to the restroom, and that's when he called me.

I could tell instantly from his voice everything wasn't okay... he told me that he got the blood results back and it didn't look like good news.  He asked if I was bleeding more.  I said yes.  He said yes, my hcg levels came back at a FIVE.  A five!  That's super low... they dropped... a lot.  I was losing the baby... having a miscarriage.  I told him I knew... I had a feeling.  Then I started crying... what is wrong with me?  Why me?  What did I do?  Is this always going to happen?  Am I never going to have a live baby?

He reassured me that this was completely separate than what happened with Cameron.  Completely isolated incident.  Nothing to do with the other.  That a lot of women have miscarriages and most didn't even know they had them, especially this early in the pregnancy.  That I can still have another healthy baby... but he told me that last time and now look...

He told me to expect a lot of cramping in the next week or so... about five to seven days.  And I asked if I was just supposed to act normal... like just keep going to work and school while this is happening.  He said yes, sometimes, depending on the cramping... but because of all I've been through, he would write me a note if I wanted sometime off.  I hung up and cried.

I went to my supervisor at work and told her what happened.  I couldn't stop crying... it hurt so much.... another baby was gone.  Another hope and dream... I went home and cried.  And just laid in bed.  I couldn't do anything, again, to help my baby.  Was it because of stress?  I'm beyond stressed at my job... beyond... was it that, that made me lose this baby?  I kinda think it was... I don't know though... I know everyone will tell me it wasn't, but I think so and if so, it was my fault.  I couldn't protect he or she.

I had school that night too, but emailed my professor about what happened... hey, it's social work, they should understand.  And then I went to sleep.  My friend Melissa was calling me, I guess, but I didn't even hear my phone and even if I did, I don't know that I would have wanted to answer.  I was just wallowing in pain...

I called my friend Breanna and told her what happened... as I told her someone was knocking at my door.... it was Melissa.  She was worried about me since I wasn't answering my phone and even called Eric to find out if I was okay.  I am so thankful to find a friend like her... I have been very unhappy at my job... just so many issues and unfairness with the treatment of people in my particular unit , but I think that I may have been placed in this unit to meet her.   She bought me these flowers and a card:

It was so unexpected and so sweet.

I called in Friday... no way I could go to work.  And went for another blood test that day... still haven't gotten the results back from that one.

And today is Monday, and again, I'm home.  I don't understand how I can go on to work and school while in the process of losing my baby.  It doesn't seem right.

For the most part, I'm okay.  I'm sad, but I'm okay.  I just wish I knew what to expect.  I don't really know how long a miscarriage takes... or if I'm already done with it or if I should expect more... I don't know.  But I guess I'll find out.

This was supposed to be my rainbow baby.  I couldn't wait for my rainbow.  For those that aren't aware of what a rainbow baby is, it's the baby that is born after the loss of child through miscarriage or stillbirth... the rainbow after a storm.  I guess my storm isn't over, but I'll be waiting for my rainbow anxiously.

And Cameron now has company with him in heaven.  And I know he's taking care of his brother or sister.  I miss you my baby Cameron....

Happy Birthday, My Love

September 1st was Cameron's birthday.  I was anxious as the day was approaching.  Wondering if it would be just a regular day or if I would just completely breakdown.  The closer the day came, the more I realized how much harder it was becoming for me.  I was crying the days leading up to the 1st... and the actual first, I didn't do much at all.

I didn't want to be home.  Eric and I went to a bed and breakfast in town just so I didn't have to.  I felt maybe that would get me away... as we walked into our room, look at the bed sheets on our bed! 

Yes, I believe that was Cameron showing me he was with me still.

I have way more things to say that I don't know if I will yet... some things that have happened recently that I am dealing with right now.  I will write about it soon because I feel the need to share with other mom's that have gone through this.  I know reading about others experiences helped me the most... I will soon.

But right now, I just wanted to write a quick post saying that I miss Cameron.... I hope he's watching over us and I love you so much and wish you were here.  Happy birthday, my love! 

I'll be writing more this weekend... I think.

Remember to Breathe...

I felt like I had been doing a ton better the last month or two.  I felt better.  Even as Cameron's birthday was approaching on Saturday... I was actually wondering if it would have an affect on me.  Or if it would just be another day.  Stupid me.

Last night I started crying a lot... my first sign I wasn't going to take it well.

Right now I am home from work... I went to work this morning.  And now I'm home.  I had a panic attack.  I couldn't breathe.  Some girl at work had her baby and they were going to email out pictures.  My first thought when she had her baby was, "Great... her baby is good.  He's alive."  Isn't that sad that that's my first thought about a newborn???

My manager asked me first if I wanted to be included on the e-mail with the baby picture.  I said I'd rather not, but was thankful she asked me.  I thought it was okay, until I went back to my desk.  Then thoughts just kept running through my head. 

I kept anticipating when she was going to send the e-mail... then I'm going to hear everyone around me cooing and ahhing over the baby.... and he was born on the day that Cameron died!

Yes, one year ago today is when I truly believe Cameron passed away.  About 9 PM at night... I told Eric I felt him leave.  And it was confirmed the following day by ultrasound.  We had just heard his heartbeat the day before... it happened so fast.  So fast.  Too fast.

I just kept thinking and thinking... my baby was supposed to be here... my baby.  I couldn't breathe and started crying.  I went outside hoping to recover, but it didn't help and I took an early lunch.

So here I am... trying to breathe.  Remembering to breathe.  I sat in my car for about 30 minutes crying.  I hadn't cried like that in so long. 

I remember when everything first happened, I had such a sorrowful cry.... I would wake up in the middle of night WAILING... shouting, crying, yelling for my baby... just yelling for Cameron... crying for my baby... heaving and wailing.  That crying happened again today.  And oh my gosh... it just reminded me of everything.

I am dreading Saturday.  It's Cameron's birthday... his first birthday in heaven.  I don't know what I'm going to do....

A Boy

As of August 8th, 2012, it has been one year since Eric and I found out we were having a boy. 

No idea it had been that long.

I had a rough couple of days.  I was tempted to just not come back to work during lunch yesterday after just breaking down during lunch. 

One of my coworkers is pregnant.  I've done good ignoring it, but it also doesn't help that my coworkers seem to hate me.  So, they have no sensitivity to things.  Before I went to lunch they were just talking and talking about the new baby boy coming and all the plans and the 3-D ultrasounds and everything.... I was stuck in the middle listening.  I finally got up and just went to lunch.  And that's when I just cried....

I even tried calling K Love to talk to one of their pastors... that's how hard it was. 

I thought I was getting better?  But I guess these anniversaries creep up on you unexpectedly and hit you like a boulder.

One year ago, I was actually kinda mad I was having a boy.  I wanted a girl.  I felt so guilty for this after I lost Cameron... thinking that somehow it was my fault.  That I should have never been mad about this little fact.  I just want my little boy back!

I told Eric today that I don't care what we have next time... I'm not going to be picky.  Yet a little part of me wants a boy now... not to replace Cameron... NEVER.  But I guess to see what it would be like to raise a boy since I missed out with Cameron. 

Today they were also having two baby showers at work... both for two people that were expecting boys.  Wow, it's like it's all coming down on me now.  I luckily didn't go in because I don't know what I would have done.  And don't know how much further behind that would have put me.

Just a short note for the time being...

Remembering Cameron

I struggled with ways to remember Cameron after I lost him... Many mom's had memorial items they made for other angel mommies.  It was such a sweet thing to do and helped me memorialize Cameron.  I tried to think about something I could do, but could never think of a good enough idea.  Like other angel mommies, I had a hard time feeling the NEED to take care of my baby, but have no baby to take care of.  I think a lot of us start doing memorials and blogs in order to feel that need to take care and mother our babies.  This is the only way we have.  Christian's Memorial Beach is one that a mother made for her baby and she writes names in the sand during a sunset.  It's so beautiful and thank you for making me one for my son!  :)

As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a lawyer.  I went through my whole life and through college with the sole intent on going to law school.  And I went.  I was ecstatic about getting accepted and moving to Fort Worth.  It was my dream.  And I loved it.  At first.

As the second semester came, I realized my heart wasn't in it.  It wasn't what I imagined and it was super expensive.  And then I saw the job market.  I read tons of articles about law students that couldn't find lawyer jobs after they graduated with $150,000 in loans!  I just couldn't do it and I left back to San Antonio.  And I came back completely confused.  All my life I had planned on being a lawyer... and now I decided I didn't want to do that, so what was I to do?

I went from wanting to be a pilot to a teacher to back to being a claims adjuster.  I was just all over the place, but didn't feel that those were any that I wanted to make a career out of.  Then the regret set in of quitting law school.  I thought I shouldn't have.  I should have just stuck it out.  And although I know I wouldn't mind being a lawyer still, Cameron has showed me my real calling.  I figured this out shortly after I lost him. 

My doctor had referred me to a postpartum counselor.  I called her and told her what happened and she didn't seem to be very understanding... everything was business.  Plus, she was booked up for the next two months!  I asked if she had another counselor she could refer me to and she told me the only other one that specialized in postpartum counseling was her partner and she was also booked for about the next two month.  I was dumbfounded.  I live in San Antonio, Texas.  One of the largest cities and there's only two postpartum counselors here?  I did my own research online and found the same results.  I also looked in Houston and Dallas and found similar results.  This was crazy.

I was frustrated and sad and grieving... feeling all those emotions and needing a counselor... and wanting one that understood.  Yet, I would have to wait two months to speak to someone.  I ended up finding another counselor that a co-worker recommended to me... and it's worked out well, but I can't believe that I was having to deal with the dilemma of finding a counselor that specialized in my difficult type of loss on top of my grief.  It just didn't seem right.  I was crying out of frustration and didn't know what to do. 

I wondered how many other women had to go through this.  Had to feel the dread and sorrow of losing their child and then having no one to go to.  No one that understood them. 

I realized that this is what I wanted to do.  I want to be a resource for other parents.  For other people dealing with grief, but especially dealing with the loss of their child.  It's a totally unfair situation that we have to deal with.  And with no one to turn to immediately, it just seems to compound more and more...

I already had my bachelor's degree... so I applied to UTSA for my Master's in Social Work.  I was first going to go into counseling, but my counselor advised me that the Social Work master's program will give me better opportunities and is more respected in the community.  I so thank her for telling me this since I had no way to navigate on my new career path!

Just yesterday I got a response from UTSA that I was OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED!  

I am beyond ecstatic.  These last three days have been pretty hard on me... I've been stuck inside my home, sleeping all day.  I haven't felt like doing anything nor had any energy to do anything.  I know this is part of the whole depression thing... and I'm working on it.  It's just hard to overcome.  I will never wake up to Cameron's cry... and that's something I realize everyday I awake.

But now I am on a path to keep Cameron's memory alive and help other mom's and dad's that have to go on this terrible, unfortunate path that no one should have to go on.  Because of Cameron, he showed me my path in life.  I love you my baby.  I hope I can do good in your name.  I promise to try my best and make you proud.