Such a Short Time, Such a Long Road

That lyric from I Will Carry You stands out to me so much, along with so many other lyrics in that song.  It was such a short time... I had five months, one week, and four days that I had with my angel, Cameron.  Yet, it's such a long road ahead.  The road doesn't seem to be getting easier either.  It's a rocky road... that seemed to be manageable a few weeks ago, but now it's gotten to the jagged parts.

I went to work yesterday, but it was hard.  I found myself crying several times at my desk and trying to keep it discreet.  I have the most amazing manager though... and I feel very lucky to be working in this unit at this company.  I don't know if I would have had this support anywhere else... well, I know I wouldn't have had this at Travelers.  Although I loved that company, I know there would be no understanding there.  I woke up this morning, yearning to go to work since I hate missing, but I couldn't.  I just kept replaying all the events that happened up until September 1, 2011... how I was paranoid the whole pregnancy.  Before every doctor visit, I was always nervous they wouldn't hear a heartbeat, although I had no reason to be.  But I was.  And Eric would always reassure me that there would be one... and there was August 29th, but it wasn't a strong heartbeat.  And on August 31st, there was none.

I remembered how I read tons of pregnancy books and all those books reassured me my fears of something happening were just that... fears.  That after 12 weeks, I was pretty much in the safe zone and less than 1% of pregnancies turn out badly... and it somewhat worked... I was reassured, but I still didn't feel right.  I kept worrying I wouldn't hear that heartbeat on my next visit.  And who knew I'd be part of that 1%?  I think it's a lot more than 1% now that I'm part of this awful elite groups of moms.  There are too many out there.

Then those dreams of my baby being a puppy... people said all pregnant women have those dreams, but these were more... more than I realized at that moment.  One dream I actually asked the doctor why they couldn't tell something was wrong from the ultrasound.  Was my baby trying to tell me something?  Eric even said that I was talking in my sleep at the hospital asking where my puppy was... where my baby was.

There's been coincidences today... I stayed home and cried and slept... when I awoke, I was sending Eric and e-mail from my phone.  I was writing him, "I feel very depressed today."  But the auto-text changed my words, as it always does... but it changed the word 'today' to 'firstborn.'  I was shocked when I saw that.  I left it there and entered down to tell Eric what I was trying to say... but wow.  Maybe that was Cameron telling me he was there with me right now... he is my firstborn. 

I called my Aunt Elva and she told me she had a dream that my grandpa, her dad, was sitting in a huge upholstered chair with something on his lap.  She realized it was a baby and asked him what he was holding.  She said he just had a huge grin on his face and she realized it was Cameron!  Cameron's hair was all tussled, but she said she felt peace after that.  She said she also remembered that he used to shop for upholstery at a shop called Cameron's something... and still has a receipt from there with his signature!  Wow! 

The counselor recommended me getting on antidepressants, but I don't know if that is the right solution.  Would that just be delaying the pain for later to come?  I don't want to numb myself... I lost my baby and that is very real. 

For now, Cameron, keep showing me signs... I know you are.  I know that when you turned that word to firstborn, that was you showing me you were with me.  I know that when Priscilla touched your pendant on my neck, that was her acknowledging you were here.  I want to see you in my dreams... I want to hold you again and hug you and kiss you.  I'm eagerly waiting for that time that I can see you.  I love you.

I Carried Him

I sit here on the bed, my second call-in of the week to work.  I didn't want to call in... I hadn't planned on calling in the last two days, but these feelings of despair have seemed to slowly creep up on me as if I had just lost Cameron all over again.  Why?  I felt this pain already... I know what it feels like to have no hope and no desire for life, so why make me feel like this again?

I felt like I was having more good days than bad days.  I would still think of Cameron every minute of every day and wish for him to be here, but I was able to handle the grief that came.  I woke up yesterday and felt heaviness in my heart.  I looked at his urn that I keep on my dresser while I sleep and held my arms as if I was holding him, wishing to remember how that felt, how he felt. I stayed home yesterday and cried a lot, aching for my baby.  I can usually talk about him freely now, without crying.  But yesterday, Eric's mom came over and the tears just came as we talked about him.  As they did this last Saturday also... I mentioned him to a stranger and without even realizing it, tears just flowed. 

I started reading this book called, I Will Carry You by Angie Smith.  This mom was told at about 18 weeks that her daughter Audrey would not live, but she chose to carry her in hopes God would heal her.  Her diagnosis changed throughout the pregnancy, showing her God at work, and she was able to have a C-section and spent a few hours with Audrey.  Audrey still did not survive, but out of that came this amazing book and even more amazing song.

I truly recommend it.  I so wish I knew about this song earlier.  I want to thank Angie so much for writing this and helping create this song.  No one can understand what we go through as moms that lost their babies, except those that have already gone through it.  So many things struck me by this book... how she had a perfectly good pregnancy, just like me, but always felt something was wrong... just something was off, even though everything was happening as it should be.  I felt that... but I just thought it was me worrying... she says that maybe God was trying to prepare her for what was to come.  It was shock when she was told something was wrong since the pregnancy was great... as it was with me. 

I decided I want to get into counseling to help other mom's that have gone through this.  I found it so difficult to find a counselor that specialized in grief like this... and the two I found in San Antonio were booked completely.  My mom mentioned to me that maybe this is the overall picture... maybe I was chosen to help others because God knew I could.  I felt like this about this author, Angie Smith.  And I think she mentioned in the book too... but what a thing to be chosen for.  This is something that I did not want to be chosen for.

I feel in such despair right now... I feel like it just happened.  And I feel like I'm so cynical now... I see people pregnant and the first thing I think in my mind is, "Good luck..."  Or if they're already planning things and about five or six months, or really any month, I'm already thinking in my mind, "Oh, they don't even know what can happen... they think they're safe."  Gosh... why??

I don't know why I'm feeling so bad these last couple of days... maybe because of the holidays?  Maybe because Cameron was supposed to be here in about a month?  I should've been prepping for him and been huge and been feeling him kick.  Instead I'm staring at his urn, wishing things could change, but knowing they can't.

 

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

[Chorus]

Something No One Should Ever Have to Identify With...

Cameron's Stocking

Hi, Everyone,

As everyone knows, Eric and I lost our baby boy Cameron on September 1, 2011.  His original due date was January 8th, 2012, but he came four months early, without a breath.  I knew these upcoming holidays were going to be hard on me because I would be without Cameron in my tummy or in life.  This would have been Cameron's first Christmas… and our first Christmas to celebrate a brand new baby in our immediate family.  Eric and my first baby. 

I still want to be able to honor him and do something for him.  Although I can't shower him with gifts in the physical world, I know he is watching down on us and I want him to know that all of us our thinking of him. 

So, I am asking all my friends and family to please give Cameron a Christmas gift of kindness.  In memory of him, try to do a random act of kindness to someone.  And when you do, please write down what you did and send it to me by e-mail or mail or however you'd like.  Without reading them, I'll print them all out and put them in his stocking and open them on Christmas day.  This way Cameron could have a Christmas gift, as well.  I'd like to spread the heart of Cameron around and do good deeds in his name.  I want to make other people happy in his name.

So, please join us in spreading some cheer around in Cameron's memory.  I still think about him every single minute of ever single day and can't imagine that changing... he is my little boy.  It doesn't have to be a huge random thing, any small spread of joy will make a huge difference.  You never realize how much a small act of kindness can bring a smile to someone's face when it may only take a second of your time.  And to have a purpose behind it, which is Cameron, will mean the world to us.  I've attached some ideas just to get the wheels turning.  

I look forward to stuffing Cameron's stocking with all your good deeds!  

Love,

Cameron's Mom

One Quarter

Three months have gone by today.  In fact, at about this time three months ago, my baby Cameron was just being taken away from me and I would have seen him for the last time...

I never thought I would have been in this situation when I found out I was pregnant in May.  I never thought I'd be here, December 1, 2012, without my baby here physically.  I would have only had about a month left... but instead, three months ago he was born.  He was born without a breath...

Thanksgiving was odd this year... I kept wondering, what should I be thankful for?  How could I be thankful for anything when my baby was gone?  But I was thankful that I at least got to hold him and see how beautiful he was.  I got to touch his tiny hands and feet, and got to have a plaque to memorialize them.

I'm thankful for my family... for helping me and being there for me whenever I needed them.  For coming by almost every night when everything first happened... it was hard for Eric and I to be alone.  We shouldn't have been alone, we should have had a crying baby with us.

There are so many things that have happened "coincidentally."  I'm thankful that I chose to go to that 3D place to get his picture... that they didn't get a good picture so I had to go two weeks later, which put a red flag something was wrong.  Had I had a good picture the first time, I would have never gone back for the rescan and there would have been no indication anything was wrong.  And I would have waited till my next doctors appointment September 2nd, and by then his heart had stopped.  So, I'm so thankful that I went August 27th, because that prompted my emergency visit August 29th where I was able to see my baby alive for the very last time.  August 30th his heart stopped and September 1st, he was born.  All so fast and so sudden.

I never expected my life to change so drastically and so fast.

We booked our wedding venue today at the Crowne Plaza downtown... we planned to sign at the Doubletree two nights ago, but because of a contract change we did not sign there.  But because of that, we found the most beautiful venue and were able to sign for the venue exactly three months after Cameron was born, almost about the same time he was born... 6:13 PM.  On the way to the venue today also, my dad and I passed a street named Cameron, only about two blocks away.  My baby is happy to see his parents marry.  And I hope he is watching down smiling and making all these "coincidences" happen.

Also, for the first time since the first 3D ultrasound, I saw his DVD... this was the first time I felt I could watch it.  I cried and cried... I want him here with me.  I want to hold him and kiss him.  And I just really hope that he can see me.  I know people always say that he's with me, but I really hope that is true.  I hope he knows that I think about him every single day... every single minute.  And I miss him more than anything in the world... and I'd give anything to have him back with me.  I love you, Cameron.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

This used to be to me.  I absolutely LOVE Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I love the food and family of Thanksgiving and I LOVE picking out the perfect gift and wrapping and seeing someones reaction.  I love the decorating of the tree and hanging on the stockings and the warm feeling that the whole season brings.  And this year, I was especially looking forward to it because I was pregnant!  I was due on January 8th, but I had a feeling I would be having him around Christmas, or even hoping New Year's Eve since that was my grandma's birthday.  I thought I would be huge by now and I would be getting baby gifts and prepping for my baby's arrival.  Instead, I'm home from work right now because I keep thinking of holding my one pound, lifeless baby in my arms and coming home from the hospital refusing to get out of the car, crying, because I wasn't supposed to come home without him.  It wasn't right.  It still isn't right. 

Eric has two nephews and a new baby niece... I'm wondering if I'll have to go to Christmas with them and see all the little boys open their gifts and see the baby dressed up in her Christmas outfit.  While I'm without my precious baby.  I just can't imagine being in my situation right now.  This year, Christmas was supposed to be a wonderful time for me this year!  I should have been anticipating the birth of my angel, but instead, I'm mourning the loss of him. 

My manager at work is also expecting a baby soon... his wife and I were almost about the same timeline.  He's been wonderful though.  Somehow, he understands what I'm going through and told me that he will work with me for whatever time I needed off and if I just didn't feel like coming in one day, like I just couldn't do it, it was okay.  I was thankful to have someone like that, but was hoping to never take one of those "sad" days since I had taken off so much already.  That was up until today.  Today, I felt like I woke up okay and then as I was walking out the door, I just started feeling terrible.  I just kept thinking of my poor baby... and how he wasn't here and how that just wasn't right.  I miss him so much. 

On another note, I found out what happened to Cameron.   I got a call at work and saw that it was my doctor on the caller ID.  I panicked.  The last time I saw him, he had told me not to expect anymore calls from him UNLESS a test out of the 100 tests they gave me came out positive, which they didn't expect to happen.  Well, here was the call.  I nervously answered the phone and he told me that he wanted to go over some test results that he thought explained what happened to my baby.  He had something called Tricomy 21... it was Down Syndrome.  But really severe and it affected his heart, which lead to the Hydrops.  I tested normal chromosomes, so they don't expect this to happen again, but I will be high risk from now on.  Why?  How could this have happened?  I almost felt better not knowing why this happened.  Because then it was just a fluke and it just happened.  But now knowing, I feel even more helpless because there was nothing I could do or could have done.  I wish I could have some control over it... I wish it was my fault or something I did.  Is that weird? 

So, here I am at home now... when I should be at work.  But I'm here, crying by myself and writing on my blog.  This blog has actually helped me quite a bit... connecting with other mom's that have lost their babies. 

I just wish I could skip Christmas or the holiday's n general.  What reason do I have to celebrate? 

I have been toying with ideas of something to do for Cameron for Christmas.  One idea I had was to kinda of adopt a baby in need for Christmas and by the baby gifts that I would have for Cameron.  Another one that I saw some other mom had done was to have a stocking for Cameron, which I will anyway, but to have family and friends to random acts of kindness and write them on papers and put them in his stocking.  Then on Christmas, I'd be able to open those and see all the nice things that people did in Cameron's name.  Seems like a sweet way to honor Cameron...

Cameron's Parents

Eric's asked me to marry him.  He's asked me before, but I had always said no... I didn't want to marry while I was pregnant.  But going through a tragedy makes me reevaluate a lot of things.  And I realized how great of a partner Eric really is.  I actually think I am lucky to have had a partner like Eric to go through this with... he's been an awesome partner through this and has been extremely supportive.  So, I've said yes.

The ring is beautiful, sort of antique looking.  And it has a matching band.  We went out to eat at his local Italian restaurant named Little Italy to celebrate and I had told Eric that I hoped that Cameron was watching us and was happy to know that his parents were going to be devoting each other to themselves for the rest of our lives.  We ate and had a wonderful dinner and sat in the corner seat booth of the restaurant.  The waiter even gave us a slice of Italian Wedding Cake that was absolutely devine. As we got up to leave, I noticed the entire time there was a statue of a baby angel behind us the whole time!  Wow!  That spoke so much to me.  I felt like this was a small way (or maybe a big way!) of Cameron telling us that he was there to celebrate with us.  He was in the middle of our dinner the whole time without me even noticing... yet, always thinking of him.

The baby angel behind us at dinner

I started off wanting a small, intimate wedding with only my immediate family... but it's growing and growing now.  I just felt that after all this, nothing really matters to me anymore.  All the things that used to be important to me aren't anymore.  What is important to me is my family, Cameron, and my future children.  After Cameron, I wanted to try for another child as soon as possible, which I hear is pretty normal for someone that has gone through something like this.  Have a "rainbow baby," as they're called.  The rainbow after the storm.  I want my rainbow.

But I would like to be married before I have another child too.  So, there lies the dilemma.  I want to try as soon as possible for my rainbow... which per the doc, will be after six months, which is in March.  So, I'd like to get married by March so I could start trying right away... but that's so soon!  So, we were thinking next October... which I thought was fine, but I'm still stuck with the dilemma of wanting to get pregnant again by March and then I'd be unmarried... again.  I don't want to be pregnant at my wedding.  But at this point, I don't know.  I'd also like to lose weight for my wedding pictures.  So, today, Eric and I have decided to try for the end of March wedding and lose as much weight as possible until then... that's today though.  It may change!

In other news, I saw the counselor for the first time this past week.  It was good and she seemed to understand.  I talked about the insensitivity of some people and how I feel sometimes.  How I can be great throughout the day, but then suddenly feel an emptiness and sadness within myself.  How can I explain this except to know that it's because I'm missing the most precious part of myself?  

I miss my Cameron... I miss my baby and wish I could hold him.  This whole event has changed my outlook on EVERYTHING in my life... my family, friends, career goals, education, everything... more on that later...