Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Seeing Through Windows...

I never used to dream, but started once my grandma passed away in 2004.  After Mamo passed away, I'd have such vivid dreams of her hugging me or holding my hand and I'd actually feel it in the dream and when I woke up.  It was amazing and comforting.  It never made me sad... I felt at peace in the dreams and loved that I was able to feel her hug me again since I missed her so much.

I have always been skeptical about things like this and about spirits coming to you... but after those dreams, I was more open to it.  They felt so incredibly real!   Maybe Mamo was really coming to me since she knew how much I missed her.  If anything, this would be the only way she'd be able to come to me.

My Grandpa, Aunt Elva, and Mamo

After this whole tragedy and feeling the need to hold my precious baby, I was so hoping to dream of Cameron... but I still haven't. The closest I've had was when I dreamt that Puffins was cuddling with his stuffed dinosaur. 

I've heard that dreams are the windows to the soul.  And now, even more than ever, I'm hoping that Cameron was talking to me in my dreams.  I don't know if this will sound crazy to others or what, but I'm grasping.

There were no complications throughout my pregnancy.  Everything seemed to be going right on track and I felt good about it.  I had one dream that I was breastfeeding a puppy with extremely sharp teeth, but I kept trying to breastfeed him because he was my baby.  I laughed about this and told others about it.  I had heard about those crazy dreams that pregnant women have.  Then about a week or two before this whole fiasco happened, I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby and he looked like a real baby, but I knew he wasn't.  I knew he was a puppy even though he looked like a baby.  And in that dream, I kept asking the doctors, 'Couldn't you tell from the ultrasound?  How could you not tell something was wrong or different?'  And then they explained to me that puppies and human babies sometimes look the same in ultrasounds and it's hard to tell.

Then, that particular dream didn't mean anything to me... I just thought it was part of those crazy dreams.  But once I found out on August 29 that something was wrong, that dream meant so much more to me.  Was my body telling me something was wrong and was it manifesting it in my dream?  Was Cameron trying to tell me something was wrong?  Did I subconsciously know something was wrong even though everything was going great throughout my pregnancy?

 Cameron, August 8, 2011... my mom noticed this 
picture looks like he has angel wings already...

August 29th was a Monday.  Tuesday night I told Eric I thought he left... I thought his heart stopped beating.  In the middle of the night, I woke up scared.  I told Eric that I felt like my baby was mad at me... I disappointed him... I couldn't protect him and save him and I felt like he was staring at me, mad.  I know this was probably just my mind, but I felt so terrible then... and so guilty.

The first night in the hospital, they gave me Ambien to go to sleep.  I kept having to go to the restroom and kept waking up Eric to help me.  Everything was extremely groggy that night because of the medication, but Eric said as I was walking to the restroom, I started mumbling things like, "Where is my baby?  Where is my puppy?  I want my puppy dog back... I want my baby."  Even through the dreams, I never thought of my baby as a puppy, but I guess my mind was already associating it...

The night I had Cameron, September 1st, I couldn't sleep at all.  Eric knocked out, but when I tried waking him up in the middle of the night, he woke up extremely startled and was looking all around the room.  He didn't tell me anything then until we went home, but he said he swore he saw Cameron standing next to him looking at me.  I felt he thought he saw something... he thinks it was a dream, but he said Cameron was smiling.  And the next day when we came home, I was closing my eyes and Eric was holding my hand and I swore I felt a tiny hand squeeze mine and quickly opened my eyes... but it was Eric's hand.  I couldn't help but wonder.... or maybe just wish... that maybe that was Cameron... I could hope.

Well, that's kinda of been it, until recently.  My Aunt Elva had a dream last weekend that completely touched me.  I keep wanting to do things for baby Cameron... I can't take care of him and I want to so much.  I wanted to hold him and feed him and rock him and I couldn't... but I still had those needs.  I think that's why I needed to do the programs and bookmarks for him and am feeling good putting together his scrapbook... it's the only things I can do for him since he's not here.  Well, Elva had a dream that Cameron was in a bassinet in a room and we were all around bustling... trying to take care of him and get things ready for him.  But there was a huge mass over him... kind of like a bubble and she felt it was a man.  

She said she felt scared, but comforted at the same time.  But it grew in size and then shrunk to our size, but it was around Cameron.  Cameron was facing away from us, but she said he turned his head and he jet black hair.  She saw his face and his little mouth and she felt him tell her something along the lines of, 'You can't take care of me anymore.  I'm with my Father and he's taking care of me.  I'm okay.  You can't do anything for me.  I'm being taken care of."  

Wow.  Just wow.  She cried telling me this and I cried.  Could that be Cameron talking to her to comfort me?  Does he know how much I'm hurting for him?  I pray every night he doesn't... I don't want him to know how much I'm hurting... I want him to be happy and not worry.  But that dream gave me some sense of security that I hadn't had.  Maybe, through all things of logic, just maybe the dreams are a window to him... and that's the only way he can tell me he's okay.  I'd love to believe that.  Wouldn't you?


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