Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pregnancy and Infact Loss Awareness Day...

This is a day I hoped I'd never be part of, but I am... this is my first and, unfortunately, one that will never change.

Someone posted this and I fell in love with it.  I thought it said it perfectly.  I'm so scared that people are going to forget that I had a son... I had a baby.  I don't want this to be forgotten, so this spoke so much to me.  They also had one for Grandparents and Uncles and such... I gave those to my brothers and parents so they can remember they too are uncles and they too are grandparents... even though we all lost our first baby in the family.

They had a Walk to Remember today at the Grotto... sort of a church with a courtyard to meditate and pray and light candles this morning.  But I wasn't able to go.  I went later on in the afternoon and lit a candle for Cameron... and Puffins, of course.  As soon as we walked in there was a statue of Jesus holding a little boy... I wasn't expecting that and just broke down.  I couldn't stop crying.  And loud crying too... it caught me off guard.  But it was something that spoke words to me and that I needed.  I think that was the first visualization of my baby being held by Jesus... and me realizing it was probably like that.

Eric and I prayed for Cameron and I found little golden charm of a baby... I'm thinking it was probably left over from this morning, but I love that I found one.  We then walked along the trail and saw another statue of Jesus sitting next to a woman crying and clutching her heart necklace... and Jesus was holding a tiny baby.  Oh, wow... this was me!!!  I had my necklace that I clutch all the time... and he had my baby.  MY baby.  Why does he have my baby?  Again, I just broke down again... I touched the baby and kept asking why... why, why, why?  Why did you take my baby?  It was weird... I looked at Jesus's face and eyes and it seemed like he was staring at me and for the first time, I kind of felt anger toward him... You did this.  You took my baby.  I'm sorry if this will offend people, but I felt like hitting the statue... hitting his head... I just felt so much anger all of a sudden.  Why did you take my baby?  He was mine!  I should be holding him... he shouldn't be just a memory.  And hardly a memory at that... I have so little of him and it's just not fair.  I know others say that God gives us babies and life and it's his to take away... saying like Cameron wasn't mine at all, but he was.  He was from me... He needed me and I needed him.  So, why?  I just kept looking at the statue and touching the baby's face and wondering why.  It was a beautiful statue though... and I am glad it was there.  I'm sure it will be a place for me to go back to for Cameron.

I spent a lot of today crying... and a lot of it was for Puffins.  It just seemed like everything was hitting me head on.  I kept thinking of the way Puffins would look at me.  She looked at me liked she loved me.  You could just tell by the looking on her face.  I thought about how we would go to sleep and she would jump on my chest and lay right on it.  How she'd roll her eyes at my mom.  And how she had such a distinctive meow when she needed to.  She was my princess and she knew it.  I'd always call out for her in the backyard when she wasn't home, and within five minutes, she was at the french doors waiting to be let in.  She was my baby... my earth angel.  And now she's with my baby Cameron.  

All day it was bothering me about how she may have passed... I couldn't get passed it.  I couldn't get over the fact that she may have suffered... I couldn't imagine my princess suffering.  I kept looking at pictures of her and I just couldn't see her having buzzards around her and to be disgraced like that.  I kept wondering, how can I get over this now?  How can I just forget this?  I want to!  But I couldn't.  The more and more I thought about it and talked about it with Eric, I think we came to a reasoning of what may have caused her death... and it's the only thing that makes sense to me... and even more, it gives me comfort. 

We think she knew she was passing and went to hide, like cats do, to go.  She went to her favorite space under the shed at the neighbors and probably passed Friday or Saturday... hopefully, in her sleep and painlessly.  Saturday night was the terrible storm that flooded a lot of yards and she was pushed out by the water.  And Sunday, the neighbor saw the buzzards and that night I had the dream.  It doesn't make sense that should would just be lying in the backyard in the open... the neighbor has no dogs and there's no reason for that.  Or that she didn't come home before the storm... she always made it home before, she knew when it was coming.  Once we came to this conclusion, it's given me some comfort.  And the dream of her with Cameron has made me feel good that she's there with my baby keeping him warm and telling him how much his mommy loves him.

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