Saturday, October 22, 2011

Back to the Daily Grind...

I have just completed my first week back at work, and it was a whirlwind.  It was harder than I thought at first, but as the weekend went on, it got easier and easier.  I was hoping that everyone knew about what happened so I didn't get those awkward comments or have to explain everything, and most everyone did.  What I didn't expect was all the "I'm Sorry" stares and people talking gently to me.  As much as I wanted them to acknowledge what happened, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.  I wanted people to be sorry the event happened, but ask about Cameron and be happy I got to see my baby.

Well, here it goes... Monday, I walked in and felt nervous and scared, but I thought I'd be okay.  I thought I'd go to my desk and maybe get a hug or two and that's it.  I didn't expect to be overcome with emotions as soon as I got to my desk.  I got there and saw my co-worker, Keimesha, and just broke down.  I don't know what happened, but I felt so odd and felt like I wanted to run out of there.  It was weird being back at work and being in that environment... and coming back not pregnant anymore and without a baby to take care of.  It should have been one or the other.  Well, Keimesha seemed like she understood and smiled and told me it was okay and just kept talking, which was perfect.  As people trinkled in, everyone said they were happy to have me back and things like that.  But every single person I talked to, I couldn't help but cry.  It was inevitable to talk about it, and if they didn't, I felt like I had to bring it up, because how could you not?  Plus, I still had a baby... I needed to acknowledge him.

Tuesday I went in knowing it was going to be a little easier... everyone had already gotten over the inital sorry's and whatnot... but there was one co-worker that was just coming back.  She is this older lady and when she saw my cat on the background paper, I mentioned she had also passed this weekend and she was like, "Wow!  That's like boom, boom!  You must be jinxed!"  And just started laughing. I didn't... I just kinda smiled and said yeah... even though I thought this was so rude and so inconsiderate!  I'm jinxed because I lost my precious baby... yeah, sure seems like it.  There was a point Tuesday where I just felt so much sadness... just overcome with sadness and just sat at my desk with tears running down my face... and starting and just thinking.  I bought over Cameron's plaster of foot and handprints today so others could see them and know that he was a real baby.  Everyone loved them... weird that this is really the only tangible evidence I have of him... and sad.

Wednesday, I thought I felt a big better about going.  But we had an Employee of the Quarter meeting at about 3:30 PM.  Keimesha was getting her five year award, so I was going to go just to see her get it.  She had been really supportive with my transition coming back, so I wanted to support her. Yet, almost as soon as the meeting starts, they start announcing the "New Arrivals" and giving congratulations to the new parents that had a baby this last quarter.  I tried to remain calm and just kinda looked around... but then started thinking that they couldn't acknowledge Cameron.  Why not?  He was as much a baby as those babies.  And ya know, maybe I wouldn't have wanted them to announce him, but they all get a little gift from the company, why couldn't Cameron get something?  I love getting presents for him because that just adds to the little memories he has.  If he had been healthy, he would have gotten a gift.  Why is he being treated like he didn't exist?  I kept thinking and thinking about this and then all of a sudden tears just started rolling down... I left quickly.

When I got back to my desk, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. My manager stopped by my desk and without her even knowing I was crying, put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if it was hard.  I turned around and just nodded.  She said she was across the room and as soon as they started doing the new arrivals, she thought of me and felt so terrible... she looked across the room at me and was watching me when I walked out.  She knew it had to be hard.  It was... I just cried and cried.  Why couldn't Cameron get his baby gift too?  Why couldn't anyone acknowledge that I had a baby?

Thursday the day was going okay... but it seemed every time I saw a new co-worker that I hadn't seen up to that point yet, I was overcome with nervousness and anxiety.  I didn't know how they'd react and I wanted to cry instantly.  What was wrong with me?!  Well, this morning I was in the break room making oatmeal when a co-worker I hadn't seen up to that point came to me and was like, "Hey!  How are you and the baby?"  Very cheerfully.  I was dreading this moment, and didn't know how to react.  I kinda fumbled and asked, "Oh... you haven't heard, right?"  And I proceeded to tell her what happened... while tears coming down my face.  I'm sure she felt terrible.  Later that afternoon, I had a meeting with a quality person and afterwards she was telling me about her sister that went through the same thing years ago.  When I told her that I was learning to find God and such after she kept saying how close to God she was, she replied with, "Well, you know never know... maybe this is God telling you watch out.  And this is what happens when you don't have faith."  I was in shock!  I didn't say anything and just smiled and that was it... but it upset me quite a bit.  I went back to my desk and confided in Keimesha, as I had been doing all week..

I woke up Friday with a renewed view and energy around me.  I felt okay for the first time since all this happened.  And I felt upbeat.  Was I doing okay?  I actually went through most of the day without crying.  Even when a co-worker Melissa read Cameron's memorial program and bookmark and started crying, I didn't.  I didn't even cry when I explained to her what happened.  Wow... I didn't cry.  Is this a new step?  I did cry a little bit toward the end of the day, but overall, everything felt okay...

Cameron's Bookmarks

So, I got through my first week.  And I'm glad I'm back in a routine.  But I still can't get over that this happened.  I miss my baby... I miss Cameron.  It's still unbelievable that this happened.  It's unbelievable that I gave birth to my baby already and held his lifeless body in my arms.  It wasn't supposed to be like this at all.

I had a talk with my manager Irene at the end of the day Friday and although she has never gone through any of this, I think she said some of the most "right" things that anyone has told me so far.  Almost like she understood.  She acknowledged that he was my baby... he was mine.  That it didn't matter whether he had lived 15 years or just the 21 weeks I had with him, he was my baby... the pain would have felt the same.  She said people don't understand that as mom's, we bond with our babies in our womb... they're ours and we care for them.  And she actually predicted the oh so ever popular comment that all angel mommy's seem to get... you can have another child.  I was like, yes!  Everyone says that!  And she said she knew they would and she was surprised that other women would say that since they should know how it felt to have a child and that bond so instantly.  She knew that I could never replace him... he was my baby... my first born and will never be forgotten.  And I will not let him die for no reason.  I will make something out of this and keep his memory alive.

I love you, Cameron.

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